A woman, who sounded like a man? read on to find out!

In October, 2009, I was lucky enough to visit Benidorm, in Spain. I know that this 'travelogue' is extremely late, but it dawned upon me that I should share this story with the poeple of The Young Writers Society!

Well, my parents decided to check-out a show bar, (basically, it's men dressed as women - miming to songs dressed in costumes - don't think WOAH! Where is this going? Don't worry, it's normal!)

Unfortunatley, one drag queen had an eye for me, and got me on the stage. As soon as I was up there, the music was on and I was all in a daze, this sixty-odd year old man in a dress, picked me up and was waving me around the small stage, in front of a crowd of cross-dressers, elderly and generally drunk holiday makers. Unfortunatley, my parents have photographic evidence of this event, so there's no point hiding!

This old cross-dresser put me down, and said to me in a deep voice "run round me! quick!", it shocked me as moments ago this elderly 'gentleman' was speaking in a high tone, and acting like Marilyn Monroe!
Anyway, after my ordeal was over, I sat down, and s/he shoved a custard cream in my mouth, and the crowd was clapping.

Overall, if you plan on going to Benidorm, be aware of showbars and drag queens!

You certainly have a story here. I'm not sure, however, that it should have been posted as a literary piece. It almost sounds like a blog entry, so maybe you should have put it in your blog. I'll comment on your grammar though.


In October, 2009, I was lucky enough to visit Benidorm, in Spain.
When you put a comma in a date it's normally between the day and the year, so I don't think there's a comma between the month and the year here.

Unfortunatley, one drag queen had an eye for me, and got me on the stage.
You mean unfortunately. You don't need a comma before the and since the clause afterwards is dependant.

As soon as I was up there, the music was on and I was all in a daze, this sixty-odd year old man in a dress, picked me up and was waving me around the small stage, in front of a crowd of cross-dressers, elderly and generally drunk holiday makers.
This sentence is very confusing. I think it's a run-on, if I'm reading it right. First you need a comma before the first and since those are two independant clauses. You then need a period after daze instead of a comma. You need a comma before the second and since you're listing verbs. I'm pretty sure everything else is correct though it's still confusing.

Unfortunatley, my parents have photographic evidence of this event, so there's no point hiding!
This is the second time you've used unfortunately in two paragraphs.
Those photos are probably hilarious. I'd like to see them.

This old cross-dresser put me down, and said to me in a deep voice "run round me! quick!", it shocked me as moments ago this elderly 'gentleman' was speaking in a high tone, and acting like Marilyn Monroe!
You don't need the comma before the first and. The second clause is dependant. You need a comma after deep voice, and you need to capitalize run. A comma never goes outside of quotation marks. You don't need it. Just capitalize it. You don't need a comma before the second and.

Anyway, after my ordeal was over, I sat down, and s/he shoved a custard cream in my mouth, and the crowd was clapping.
Do you mean she/he? The sentence, grammatically, is correct, but it sounds really lengthy because you go, "And I did this and he did that and the crowd clapped." You have too many conjuntions.

Overall, I liked the story. It was a funny anecdote. Just work on brushing up your punctuation.
I saw you're fairly new to YWS. If you need a review or just need to ask a question, PM me.
Megsug

Lmao, did this actually happen? :')
It made me really giggle, but I would of really liked more detail of your emotions and more of what you were actually seeing because I did feel it was missing a lot out.
A really good piece though, and if I do ever go there I will watch out for these people.
Well done!

I certainly agree with meg as far as it sounding more like a blog entry, but this was quite funny nonetheless. Did this really happen?

Meg has pretty much made all the corrections I would have pointed out. Good work!

-Kafka

I thank-you for your opinions, and the entry WAS meant to sound like a blog entry. Thank-you for finding it commical, and yes, it really happened.

As for megsug, I would like to ask how you have that much time to evaluate my punctuation (haha). Thanks for your comments, but the style in which I wrote the entry was for a specific reason, I thank-you for your critisism, and would like to add that some of the entry had typo's and I wrote the entry off the top of my head, and didn't really put much thought into it.

Be sure to read my first post under catagory 'others' it's entitled 'becoming a journalist'.