The Star

The star
A bright star shines above the trees,
Above the reach of wind and breeze,
I reached but it was far away
Among the other stars it lay,

It led me through the woods and streams,
Half-wishing this was not a dream,
With aid of stars I reached the end,
And there I found my dearest friend,

All treasures that I have around
Are nothing to what I have found,
Without her I am nothing more,
Than ocean without any shore,

I held her tight and looked up far,
Towards the bright light of a star,
It winked at me like friends would do,
I smiled and wished the dream come true.

holyiao wrote:The star
A bright star shines above the trees,
Above the reach of wind and breeze, Wind and breeze are the exact same thing. "Wind and...(something different)"
I reached but it was far away
Among the other stars it lay,

It led me through the woods and streams,
Half-wishing this was not a dream,
With aid of stars I reached the end, Be economic with your use of "star(s)." Here it sounds overused already.
And there I found my dearest friend,

All treasures that I have around "I have around" does not make these treasures sound all that special.
Are nothing to what I have found, Again, "I have around" really negates from the meaning of this line.
Without her I am nothing more,
Than ocean without any shore,

I held her tight and looked up far,
Towards the bright light of a star, Um, hang on, isn't the star the friend? I am very confused. Clarify this bit a little more. Also, "star" still sounds odd.
It winked at me like friends would do,
I smiled and wished the dream come true. This line does not sound quite right.

Well, this was a fairly good poem, though the rhyming was a tad bit annoying. You really could go much deeper into the description of stars if you were not so limited by the words you are forced to use. Friendly atmosphere, pleasant imagery. Keep writing.

-Kafka

I have a soft spot for cute rhyming poems, and this was very much a cute rhyming poem. I smiled a little as I was reading it.

That said, you did a pretty good job of keeping the rhythm consistent, which is always great to see in rhyming poetry. As a result, this flowed very nicely, which added to the overall feeling of sweetness.

There were a couple of lines that could use some tweaking, like the last for instance, so I suggest you play around with the word choice a little. One suggestion for a rewording of the last like would be "I smiled and wished a dream-come-true."

The one thing that really took away from your poem was how you had almost every line ending in a comma, even though it wasn't appropriate. Forget whatever someone told you about lines having to end in commas. Poetry is generally punctuated the same way as regular writing, so if it doesn't make sense when written out in regular form, then it doesn't make sense in a poem.

That said, don't be afraid to experiment with punctuation (or anything) in poetry. The nice thing about poetry is that there are no hard-and-fast rules. Only guidelines, and you can break those guidelines if you really feel your poem will be the better for it.

This was a good poem, and I like that it rhymes.

Watch your grammar, and don't rhyme to much, but use better adjectives.

Other then that, keep up the good work!

cassidyRose

Hey! I thought that this was a good poem with some great imagery.

A bright star shines above the trees,
Above the reach of wind and breeze,
I reached but it was far away
Among the other stars it lay,

I liked this first stanza; the opening lines were quite good. Only the last line, "among the other stars it lay" sounded a little bit awkward. That's the thing with rhyming poems, often the rhyme sounds forced. I did think you did well with rhyming, though. It gave the poem a nice flow.

All treasures that I have around
Are nothing comparedto what I have I'vefound,
Without her I am nothing more,
Than ocean without any shore,

The last line makes the stanza sound a bit unfinished. Also, I think line 2 would make more sense if you changed it.

It led me through the woods and streams,
Half-wishing this was not a dream,
With aid of stars I reached the end,
And there I found my dearest friend,

This a stanza I liked and wouldn't change anything about, so well done on that. Overall, good job, this was a good poem!

It's a cute, fun poem to read. It's reletively simple, yet still entertaining. Most of the things that could/should be changed have been mentioned allready, but I do have to agree that the last line doesn't quite sound right. Great job.

Hey holyiao,

I really enjoyed reading this poem! Someone said the rhyming effect was annoying - NO WAY! It was really well done and it fit the poem perfectly. This isn't an over-dramatic piece, so the rhyming made the poem happy and sweet. The mood fit the subject of your poem perfectly. Great job. And I loved the imagery in this! It was so pleasant and not all dark and depressing like other poems I've read.

I won't babble on about grammatical errors and what-not the others have already said. It could be improved a little, but it's pretty good anyway. And to the person that said it was annoying, that's his own opinion about it, you don't need to change your poem because one person feels it's annoying!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf