The Wildflower

The Wildflower
As I was walking by the sea,
I saw a curious thing to me,
A flower growing in the sand,
Of all, why in this wretched land?

I wondered how the flower grew,
On dry and dusty sand I knew,
But still it blossomed perfectly,
It’s such a pleasant sight to see.

Its petals blue just like the sky,
Just like the ocean crashing by,
For a short time this flower had,
Erased my thoughts of being sad.

I wanted so to make it mine,
But death will hold it like a vine,
And so I left it, I depart,
But still it stays within my heart.

As I was walking by the sea,
I saw a curious thing to me, The "to me" really makes the reader feel excluded, and does not do too much to make the poem any better.
A flower growing in the sand,
Of all, why in this wretched land? Beaches? Wretched? Why, who can't like beaches? Think of a better adjective here.

I wondered how the flower grew, Not the most sophisticated of statements, but, oh well.
On dry and dusty sand I knew, You knew...what?
But still it blossomed perfectly, There are so many other more descriptive "-ly" adverbs out there...
It’s such a pleasant sight to see. Ugh. You're telling the reader, not showing. You have no justification for saying this. Even if you did, you should never be saying something like this.

Its petals blue just like the sky,
Just like the ocean crashing by, This is what I'm looking for! Give me something to work with!
For a short time this flower had,
Erased my thoughts of being sad. This statement is so generic and emotionless, I am about to cry.

I wanted so to make it mine,
But death will hold it like a vine, Huh? Death? This doesn't make any sense to me.
And so I left it, I depart,
But still it stays within my heart.

These are my overall critiques:

1. You do a great amount of telling, and not showing, the reader what is going on. You give only half of a stanza to describe what the flower actually looks like, and then most of the remainder of the poem just says how much you like it and think it's a pleasant sight. While you're saying this, I'm thinking, It is? I don't believe you.

2. I have seen so many poems that attempt to utilize rhyme, but in the end sound extremely forced. Rhyming can sometimes be strengthening, but in this case it is very limiting. I feel you could do so much more to describe what the flower looks like, and what your feelings are, if you were not held back by the words you were allowed to use. Also, the rhythm sounds abnormally halted, and I think a lack of having to stick wit a rhyming pattern would easily mend this. I understand that taking out the rhyming would mean completely redoing the poem, but this is just something to keep in mind during future poems.

3. I can't follow the tense. Throughout the poem you continually switch back and forth between past and present tense. You need to fix this in order for it to be followable. I personally find present tense more poetic, but it's your choice.

Well, I hope you found this review in some way helpful. Keep writing!

-Kafka

Hi! I thought this was a nice idea - something of beauty distracts you from feeling bad about whatever, and you describe it. I like it. However, you change from past to present tense a couple of times. The first stanza is in past tense, up until the last line in the second stanza. Then we're back to past tense for the third stanza, and then you're in present tense again in the second to last line of the last stanza. So pick a tense and stick with it. Also, in the second stanza you say "On dry and dusty sand I knew", but I'm not sure what it is that you knew. It sounds like you decided to say that just to make it rhyme. Don't be a slave to your rhyming scheme! You own it, it doesn't own you. Apart from that, you use some good description in here, so well done.

Hi there. This is my 3rd review (and, maybe, my last o.o) for today. I've got some nitpicks for you:

I saw a curious thing to me,

- Maybe, it makes more sense if you said 'near me' or something alike?

On dry and dusty sand I knew,

- I knew? I didn't get this part. o.o

Its petals blue just like the sky,

- Grammatically speaking, this is wrong. Maybe, rephrasing it or adding a few punctuation marks would help.

Just like the ocean crashing by,

- I suggest using a less 'violent' word than 'crashing'. Splashing, perhaps? xD


This is actually a nice and interesting poem. I like the rhymes and the imagery. I think, those two features of this poem stood out the best. The idea was nice too, just like what the other comment said. Also, I like the simplicity of the poem. It is short and the measure seems followed well.

Keep writing!

I saw a curious thing to me,

This sentence is worded awkwardly and I think it is the result of you trying to hard to continue the rhyming scheme. I suggest reading back over this and relaxing a bit with trying to rhyme, if you wait a bit and maybe even ask around I'm sure you can find a way to make that sentence flow better.

A flower growing in the sand? Now, that's something to ponder. I wonder what the flower symbolizes to you. To me, as I read this, I suppose it would symbolize something like hope. A lot of things symbolize hope these days so that's just a general conclusion on my part. Perhaps it means something mroe to you. That is the point of poetry after all, to represent something deeper about the author.

Anyway, let me depart before I start to ramble. After all was read I can say that I liked this poem. It was sweet.

Cosmic

man....
those comments hurt me a lot......

most of these are one-sided comments...
they only tell what you think and not what the writer thinksssss
all people are different... our likes and dislikes aren't the same....
you don't have to spoil what i like just for the sake of what you like....
don't be like kanye west here

man......

I actually liked the sentence: 'I saw a curious thing to me' XD It sounds kinda poetic or something
nice write, I really enjoyed it!

I really like your poem! It had rhythm and rhyme, two things I like in poetry. The only comment I would make is the fourth line, that starts with "of all". That just seemed a bit out of wack compared to the other lines. Otherwise, it was great!