Tall, Dark, and Wintry

I’m flying. It’s rather dark, and cold as high as I am, and… it feels a bit… empty… Am I alone? No, there’s someone with me. There always is when I fly. It’s always the same person, no matter what form they take, but today they’re simply… dark. Maybe because I don’t know who to see right now.

It’s quiet. I hold on to him—I know it’s a he—tightly, because he’s warm. I don’t know who he is yet, but I know I love him very much, and he loves me too. I stay close as I can as we float over cities and then towns, and then nothing but trees. The wind feels nice, cool as it is, refreshing and freezing at the same time. It is utterly peaceful.

Picture this: you’re walking outside on a cool November evening. A few leaves blow by in a cool breeze that makes you shiver. You pull your warm hat lower over your ears, tuck your hands into your pockets, and look up… only to see two dark shapes floating slowly by high above. One seems to notice you and waves, and you wave in return. A few children down the street look up and see the figures too; they laugh innocently, amused beyond measure.

The laughing children make me smile as we float low over nearly empty streets. The sound is like musical bells chiming upwards. A few try to jump and catch us, which makes me laugh as well. But the cold wind catches in my throat and makes me gasp; this only makes me smile more.

Suddenly I feel the urge to spin, if only to feel more of the freezing air rush around me. I let go of my dark partner for only a moment and, looking downward at the lake now below us, I fall freely, my arms out like wings. I laugh but am falling too quickly to hear anything but the wind rushing through my long hair. I keep my eyes open, even as they fill with tears, so as to see the beautiful shimmering lake coming closer as if it were coming up into the air to greet me.

The moonlight makes the water sparkle as if one of the laughing children has thrown glitter over the murkiness of the lake. As I fall nearer and nearer, I notice something moving just below the surface of the water… something long and shining… I watch in wonder as it brings a majestically scaled head and neck out into the cold air, a great monstrous dragon whose intention is to swallow me whole as I fall… Yet I am too mystified and surprised to stop myself from falling. I let the creature’s head loom ever closer noticing only how it shines dark aqua and green like the inside of a seashell.

It seems to lower itself a bit, and only after it has jumped towards me do I realize why. By then it is much too late to stop myself; I am prepared to let the shimmering demon have me, but I find myself going up and away from it instead. My dark partner has caught me—as I somehow knew he would—and instead of being angry at my foolishness is only worried for me.

I remain silent as he says the usual loving things one says to someone who has come close to being hurt, and focus more on his face. It is still dark, the voice clear yet unrecognizable. For a moment I want nothing more than to know who my love is, who has saved me and who it is that loves me so… but then the feeling is gone and I wish only to be held close and kept warm.

But there is too much to see from the sky, all the beauty below and the uncounted stars above, to be buried in his arms. It is silent again, and I listen for another moment to the whoosh of icy air around us. I think to myself how I shall never want to fly alone; I will always want to be with this person. They are the reason I can see the beauty in the world and dare to try counting the stars. They are the reason I can fly, the reason I do fly, and the only one I shall ever fly with.

And though I don’t know who they are, I know they will always be with me. They will always be there to catch me when I fall too fast, or when I am too awed to see danger below me. And I will always be there for him; we both know that.

So I take his hand and fly on beside him, his warm hand all I need for now to be comforted.

Hello and welcome to YWS, I'm kind of new myself so I will try to review as best as I possibly can, but, I warn you, I can be harsh.

So, let's get started then.

I’m flying. It’s rather dark, and cold as high as I am, and… it feels a bit… empty… Am I alone? No, there’s someone with me. There always is when I fly. It’s always the same person, no matter what form they take, but today they’re simply… dark. Maybe because I don’t know who to see right now.

First thing I notice here is, too many '...', personally, I belive them to be childish and tacky if used to often. Although, one here and there can add a sense of mystery and development. Don't be afraid to vary your punctuation a little as it make your piece more exciting and can add a whole new pespective. I would of phrased the first sentence like this:
'I'm flying. It's rather dark; cold as high as I am, and.... it feels a bit, empty? Am I alone?'

Other than that, it is good for an opening paragraph, it is mysterious and keeps you clinging on for more. Brilliant.

It’s quiet. I hold on to him—I know it’s a he—tightly, because he’s warm. I don’t know who he is yet, but I know I love him very much, and he loves me too. I stay close as I can as we float over cities and then towns, and then nothing but trees. The wind feels nice, cool as it is, refreshing and freezing at the same time. It is utterly peaceful.

I really like this paragraph. It's very pleasing and fresh in some way. Although remember to check over your work to make sure that it makes sense, such as, 'I stay close as I can' should be 'I stay as close as I can'. Also, I would have used a similie in my opening sentence and made it something like, 'It's as quiet as an empty meadow.' But that may just be my love for similies and metaphors. It's your choice whether to use it or not.

Picture this: you’re walking outside on a cool November evening. A few leaves blow by in a cool breeze that makes you shiver. You pull your warm hat lower over your ears, tuck your hands into your pockets, and look up… only to see two dark shapes floating slowly by high above. One seems to notice you and waves, and you wave in return. A few children down the street look up and see the figures too; they laugh innocently, amused beyond measure.

This is a really effective way to grab the reader's attention and set a picture in their mind. However it can sometimes be a bit jumpy when you suddenly move from reading a story in first person then second person so be careful not to use it too much.

The laughing children make me smile as we float low over nearly empty streets. The sound is like musical bells chiming upwards. A few try to jump and catch us, which makes me laugh as well. But the cold wind catches in my throat and makes me gasp; this only makes me smile more.

This is amazing! You use a variety of techniques such as a simlie and you vary your punctuation. It is really capturing and you describe your surroundings really well.

Suddenly I feel the urge to spin, if only to feel more of the freezing air rush around me. I let go of my dark partner for only a moment and, looking downward at the lake now below us, I fall freely, my arms out like wings. I laugh but am falling too quickly to hear anything but the wind rushing through my long hair. I keep my eyes open, even as they fill with tears, so as to see the beautiful shimmering lake coming closer as if it were coming up into the air to greet me.

I've noticed that you often use the same words over and over again, such as freezing. I'm sure if you found a thesaurus you would be able to find a bunch of different, more exciting words to fit this category. Other than this, this paragraph is written really well.

The moonlight makes the water sparkle as if one of the laughing children has thrown glitter over the murkiness of the lake. As I fall nearer and nearer, I notice something moving just below the surface of the water… something long and shining… I watch in wonder as it brings a majestically scaled head and neck out into the cold air, a great monstrous dragon whose intention is to swallow me whole as I fall… Yet I am too mystified and surprised to stop myself from falling. I let the creature’s head loom ever closer noticing only how it shines dark aqua and green like the inside of a seashell.

Remember to be consistent with your full stops and capital letters, '...something long and shining', here you don't use a capital letter whereas '...Yet I am too mystified', here you do. This could also have been avoided if you had thoroughly checked your work through before posting.

It seems to lower itself a bit, and only after it has jumped towards me do I realize why. By then it is much too late to stop myself; I am prepared to let the shimmering demon have me, but I find myself going up and away from it instead. My dark partner has caught me—as I somehow knew he would—and instead of being angry at my foolishness is only worried for me.

This paragraph is good however the last sentence did confuse me and I had to read it a few times to understand it. I would change it to 'instead of being angry at me foolishness he is only angry for me.

I remain silent as he says the usual loving things one says to someone who has come close to being hurt, and focus more on his face. It is still dark, the voice clear yet unrecognizable. For a moment I want nothing more than to know who my love is, who has saved me and who it is that loves me so… but then the feeling is gone and I wish only to be held close and kept warm.

I want to know more about this character!!! I'm sure this is intentionally added to make it more mysterious but I do wish that you would describe what he looks like so he wouldn't be just a blur in my head.

But there is too much to see from the sky, all the beauty below and the uncounted stars above, to be buried in his arms. It is silent again, and I listen for another moment to the whoosh of icy air around us. I think to myself how I shall never want to fly alone; I will always want to be with this person. They are the reason I can see the beauty in the world and dare to try counting the stars. They are the reason I can fly, the reason I do fly, and the only one I shall ever fly with.

This last line is extremely effective in the way which you repeat the words however be careful not to use it too much as this technique can easily become tacky and rhymish which is not what you want from a story.

And though I don’t know who they are, I know they will always be with me. They will always be there to catch me when I fall too fast, or when I am too awed to see danger below me. And I will always be there for him; we both know that.

So I take his hand and fly on beside him, his warm hand all I need for now to be comforted.

These last two paragraphs are the perfect way to end this chapter. All I am going to say is to rememeber your small words as your last line doesn't make sense. It should be 'So I take his hand and fly beside hime, his warm hand is all I need now to be comforted.


Overall, you are a really talented writer. You use the five senses and are descriptive when describing them. I certainly want to read on!

Hi there, I'm fairly new to this site but I will do my best for reviews. I warn you, I'll pick stories over but only because I feel things don't fit in right so please do not think I'm nit- picking

I’m flying. It’s rather dark, and cold as high as I am

, This part about and cold as I as I am, doesn't seem right to me. I can't understand it for one thing because I don't know what you are talking about. Are saying that the the cold matches how high you are or are you saying that the higher you get, the cold becomes colder too?

The wind feels nice, cool as it is, refreshing and freezing at the same time. It is utterly peaceful.

Freezing seems like a out-of-place word in this piece. For some reason, the word freezing sounds like something a high school kid would say when this piece sounds as if its being told by a mature person. it could just be my interpretation but after all this sophisticated wording, freezing sounds funny. A thesaurus would be a good idea here for some different words

Picture this: you’re walking outside on a cool November evening. A few leaves blow by in a cool breeze that makes you shiver. You pull your warm hat lower over your ears, tuck your hands into your pockets, and look up… only to see two dark shapes floating slowly by high above. One seems to notice you and waves, and you wave in return. A few children down the street look up and see the figures too; they laugh innocently, amused beyond measure.

I love this paragraph. Because of the mystery that's entwined in your piece, allowing the reader to imagine for him/herself without forcing the description into everything was brilliant. The way you still manage to hold that secrecy and mystery together is superb.

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But the cold wind catches in my throat and makes me gasp; this only makes me smile more.

I'm afraid I don't understand why someone would smile when they gasp. Is it because they felt some sort of adrenalin surge through them or was it the sheer surprise so amusing? Explaining, however briefly why the character would smile at this would really put confusion at ease.

The moonlight makes the water sparkle as if one of the laughing children has thrown glitter over the murkiness of the lake.

This seems a strange sentence to use here. Is there a reason to bring up the already mentioned children? I understand that this is a simile but when you mentioned the children before you said that their laughter was like magical bells and so what has that got to do with glitter? If you had maybe said something like, " as if the sparkling sheen of the stars had fallen to the earth" it might make more sense and if you had really wanted to include glitter, then you could have incorporated that in some way.

For a moment I want nothing more than to know who my love is, who has saved me and who it is that loves me so… but then the feeling is gone and I wish only to be held close and kept warm.

But why? Is the narrator content with just her dark partner being there with her? Why does she suddenly want to see her savior and why does the notion suddenly leave her? I think you could have added a few extra sentences here to explain briefly

. They are the reason I can see the beauty in the world and dare to try counting the stars. They are the reason I can fly, the reason I do fly, and the only one I shall ever fly with.

Is seems funny to me to be talking about this person as a he and then jump into calling him They. When you mentioned him in the beginning, I thought you were saying that he was always a he. If he is a he, you should continue to call him a he. I only assume that he is always a man because the narrator seems to love him. Is this platonic or real, couple like love? Even if the man was always in different forms, the man would still be considered a he.

All in all, apart from the small errors, this is a really good piece of work. It can be good as a short story or the beginning of a novel and the way you captured that mystery was superior. Good job and Keep writing.

That was a really cool story! Although, I think you meant to post that in Romantic Short Stories? I don't know, it still seemed pretty fantasy to me. Anyway, the description was great, the emotion was real, and overall this was a great piece. I think you should maybe continue this, to find out who the "Dark person" is. Great job though!

I read your story. A glass teardrop streams down my face and a smile forms. I am afraid to blink and lose the tear that emotion has gifted me. My improvement tip is this time for me, to write like you.

Hiya, Shizuku!

I'm not going to give you any nit-picks, because you've already gotten a lot of those, and I also apologize if this review isn't as in-depth as I would have hoped--I'm rather short on time.

Anyhow, I am intrigued by this. Your word choices are beautiful. Your imagery glistens, and your way of portraying emotion is simply lovely. I don't know how much of this is the main character/narrator and how much of it is you, but whatever the reason, this piece has a refreshing voice; poetic, yet not overly wordy. Very nice! I'm also fascinated by the whole premise--you haven't completely described anything about the world that this takes place in, so I am left to wonder: can everyone fly (with the assistance of a dark being, of course)? What does the dark man look like? For that matter, what does the narrator look like? I'm not saying you need to answer these questions (some questions are better pondered than answered), just that they are questions I had.

But then I started to wonder if I was taking all of this too seriously. Maybe the entire piece is supposed to be read allegorically. Maybe it's all symbolic. Let's take a look, shall we? At first, our narrator is confused. She (I'm assuming they're female) thinks for a moment that she is alone. She doesn't seem to know where she is, or how she got there. Then, quickly, she recognizes him. Apparently, she knows him very well. She seems to love him. Now that she recognizes him, the cold no longer seems empty, but peaceful. She is happy, not confused. This is all very dream-like; the children (rather than being terrified to see two dark "figures" in the sky) are amused, laughing. This makes the narrator laugh as well, but the cold attacks her and she lets go of her companion. As she's falling, though she should be terrified, she is not. She is mesmerized. This enforces the dream-like atmosphere. When she sees the snake, she realizes that she should be scared, but knows that she is not. Interesting detachment there. She comes close to being eaten by the "demon," but her companion rescues her. For a moment, she is curious about him. Maybe even doubts him. Then she is once again in a trance. She wants never to be away from him... at least not while she is flying. And she realizes (once again, I think) that she loves him.

Okay. I really think there is symbolism here. What is it? I have no idea. One thing is clear to me, though: when she is near him, it is almost like she is drugged. She is happy and dreamy. As she gets farther away, she is more realistic--a little afraid, even, and that lasts for a moment after she is back in his arms, but she is soon overwhelmed by his presence again. Because it's in first person, I only see things through her eyes, so I find myself getting somewhat "drugged" too. But I have to wonder: is that a good thing? Is this love that she feels for him natural, or some spell? It's hard to tell.

Nope. Try as I might, I can't find the intended message in this piece. I love looking for hidden meanings, so I'll keep pondering this one and let you know if I come up with anything, but for now I'm stumped. At first, I thought maybe she was dieing, and he was taking her soul to some next world, but then I remember that you said she flies with him all the time. So... maybe it's a metaphor for romance in general? I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too deeply.

Anyway, I feel like this is incomplete. I don't know exactly what you're trying to say with it or why--it's just sort of a fantastic stream-of-consciousness that doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Is it an excerpt from something longer, or is it meant to be a stand-alone piece? Because if it's meant to be a stand-alone, I find the end not very satisfying. For a moment, she snaps out of her daze, but she snaps right back into it and comes to the conclusion that she never wants to leave again. I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe if I knew a little more about what her "normal" was, it would help. I mean, does she fly a lot? In some places it seemed like you were saying she did, but in some places it seemed like this was a new experience. Also, what's with the beginning? Is she waking up? Why start there? What happened right before that moment that you decided to start the narrative? All in all, I'm tempted to say that if you want this to stand alone you might want to work on defining the beginning and the end a little better, because as it is I'm intrigued (very intrigued) but a little disappointed that all this pondering hasn't led to any conclusions.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you've got any questions/comments/etc.!

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