Begin Your Betrayal

Here lies the tale,
Of a girl long ago,
Rest in pieces young lady,
Its payment you owe.


Young girl of nineteen,
Only daughter of three,
Met the boy of her dreams,
Can you say meant to be?


Dancing till nightfall,
Hand in hand they sway,
Together forever,
Forever ending today.


Starting as two,
Ending as one,
Their love couldn’t save them,
When the deal came undone.


Begin your betrayal,
Lay it on thick,
Clench your teeth,
Don't let the lies slip.


Begin your betrayal,
Break my heart,
We fall into place,
Just to fall back apart.


One night she learned,
Of a truth too real,
His fist, her face,
A punch to seal the deal?


Behind the curtain,
She hides her lies,
Throw out some chips,
And watch the stakes rise.


At first a kiss,
Then a touch,
A downward spiral,
With her hand on the clutch.


Abusive husband,
Cheating wife,
One or the other,
Goes under the knife.


Begin your betrayal,
Lay it on thick,
Clench your teeth,
Don’t let the lies slip.


Begin your betrayal,
Break my heart,
We fall into place,
Just to fall back apart.


Home he comes,
Another man in his bed,
How long do you give it,
Before they’re both dead?


Reason escapes him,
Hate in his soul,
Swinging his hardest,
No longer whole.


Running for life,
Leaving her lover behind,
She grabs a blade,
His ending defined.


Husband and wife,
A fight to the death,
Marriage of lies,
Who will breathe their last breath?


Begin your betrayal,
Lay it on thick,
Clench your teeth,
Don’t let the lies slip.


Begin your betrayal,
Break my heart,
We fall into place,
Just to fall back apart


Here lies the tale,
Of a boy long ago,
Rest in pieces young sir,
It’s payment you owe.

xxbwiismexx wrote:Here lies the tale,
Of a girl long ago,
Rest in pieces, comma young lady,
It's payment you owe.


Young girl of nineteen,
Only daughter of three, Uh... this sounds like you are saying she's a daughter of three people?
Met the boy of her dreams,
Can you say meant to be?


Dancing 'till nightfall,
Hand in hand they swayed,
Together forever,
Forever, comma ending today.


Starting as two,
Ending as one,
Their love couldn’t save them,
When the deal came undone.


Begin your betrayal,
Lay it on thick,
Clench your teeth,
Don't let the lies slip.


Begin your betrayal,
Break my heart,
We fall into place,
Just to fall back apart.


One night she learned,
Of a truth too real,
His fist, her face,
A punch to seal the deal. The question mark doesn't do all that much here


Behind the curtain,
She hides her lies,
Throw out some chips,
And watch the stakes rise.


At first a kiss,
Then a touch,
A downward spiral,
With her hand on the clutch.


Abusive husband,
Cheating wife,
One or the other,
Goes under the knife.


Begin your betrayal,
Lay it on thick,
Clench your teeth,
Don’t let the lies slip.


Begin your betrayal,
Break my heart,
We fall into place,
Just to fall back apart.


Home he comes,
Another man in his bed,
How long do you give it,
Before they’re both dead?


Reason escapes him,
Hate in his soul,
Swinging his hardest,
No longer whole.


Running for life,
Leaving her lover behind,
She grabs a blade,
His ending defined.


Husband and wife,
A fight to the death,
Marriage of lies,
Who will breathe their last breath?


Begin your betrayal,
Lay it on thick,
Clench your teeth,
Don’t let the lies slip.


Begin your betrayal,
Break my heart,
We fall into place,
Just to fall back apart


Here lies the tale,
Of a boy long ago,
Rest in pieces, comma young sir,
It’s payment you owe.

Alright, this is long, but it's pretty good. I love that you have a part that you repeat, it creates a nice rhythm to the piece. You are a good story teller
I loved it!
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

You made pretty good use of repetition in this, though it did make me wonder if these were meant to be lyrics rather than a poem. They would work rather well as lyrics, if a bit on the short side.

There were a couple of things, however, that kept pulling my attention from the poem. First: the punctuation. You have every single line ending with punctuation for no apparent reason except to have every line end in punctuation. And oftentimes, the punctuation is inappropriate/incorrect.

In general, poetry follows the same conventions of punctuation, spelling, and grammar as regular writing. A good way to make sure your poetry is properly punctuated is to write it out in regular prose form to check. If it's still readable, then you're good, otherwise, you need some fixing to do.

The second thing I noticed was the lack of set rhythm to this. Whenever you have rhyme, a solid rhythm is absolutely required as rhymes rely upon rhythm to work. As it stands, you have some lines shorter or longer than others, and this is quite disruptive to the rhythm, especially when there's such a difference between lines that are suppose to rhyme.

One way of making sure your rhythm is consistent is to count syllables. Having lines with the same number of syllables gives your poem a stronger sense of rhythm, of having a pattern, which is very important when you have rhyming going on.

So, overall, fix up the punctuation and even out your rhythm. Doing so will make your poem not only look better, but also sound better when someone goes to read it.