Soulshattered

"Amy, stop, please." He pleaded with me.
I was running away, trying to save him from the pain. The pain of the truth that I couldn’t tell him. He’d never understand, he couldn’t understand.
"No Tom!" I screamed at him, he was panting from the effort of running so far. I’d run several miles without stopping, I didn’t have to. But he was human, he had to stop soon, I was surprised he’d kept up for this long.
"Amy…" He looked on the verge of tears. It made my heart break, it made me want to stop and hold him in my arms, never let go. But I couldn’t, it would just hurt him more. I had to leave, go far away. I hoped he’d forget me and move on, he’d find someone that he could grow old with, I knew he would, he was only 17.


I kept on running, I heard the thump, as he fell to the ground, completely spent, exhausted. I stopped a moment and turned to look at him one last time. His eyes were on me, his beautiful storm-grey eyes. His face was wet, tears flowing down his face. He didn’t wipe them away, he just let them fall. He was shaking, sobbing, he looked so alone, so vulnerable.
"Amy, please don’t leave me." He begged me again, his voice cracking.
He looked broken, like his soul had been shattered. I did this to him, it was my fault.
"Tom, go home." I fighting to keep my voice calm. I felt so evil for doing this to him, but I had to. I told myself this over and over again. This was for the best, it would cause less pain this way. For the both of us.


My whole existence was a curse, being an immortal was harder than it was made out to be. I was the high immortal, the one who made people like this, unchanging. I only brought pain to those that I loved. So I would not love. From this day forth I would be completely alone and that was how it should be. It was better for everyone if I left and stayed out of sight and out of mind. I shouldn't have fallen in love, but I had and now I was paying for that mistake. He had my heart and always would, but he had to forget me, I would miss him. I'd rather die than be without him, I'd rather burn for all eternity than see him in pain, but it was best for him to be without me.


He began crawling towards me, eyes desperate, accusing. I made myself turn, heart wrenching in two and I began walking away from him. My love, my other half. He called my name again and again, he yelled it, screamed it, begging me to come back, but I just kept on going. I started running, tears cascading down my face. I ignored him, pushed his voice, my memories of him and my feelings, into a dark room within my mind. As I walked away I shut the door and locked it with a key. His voice had faded completely, the key crumbled into dust and I was alone.

All I saw now was the road that stretched out before me. I heard only my footsteps and the hoot of an owl. I felt nothing.

Agh! Stop! I'm on the verge of tears! Seriously, though. This is really good: very emotional, very touching, very...well, here are my critiques. Just some punctuation issues I found along the way, and my own little touches here and there.

authorleesa wrote:"Amy, stop, please," He pleaded You are overusing the root word "plea-." You continue to use it throughout, so I'd recommend changing either one of these "plea-" words. Here is what I would do "Amy," he pleaded. with me.

I was running away, trying to save him from the pain. The pain of the truth that I couldn’t tell him. He’d never understand, he couldn’t understand.


"No, Tom!" I screamed at him. He was panting from the effort of running so far. I’d run three miles without stopping, I didn’t have to. But he was human, and he had to stop soon. I was surprised he’d kept up for this long. Actually, three miles really isn't that much. Besides, how does she know she's run that far? Does she have some sort of "divine pedometer?"


"Amy…" He looked on the verge of tears. It made my heart break, it made me want to stop and hold him in my arms, and never let go. But I couldn’t. It would just hurt him more. I had to leave, go far away. I hoped he’ll forget me and move on, that he’ll find someone that he could grow old with. I know he will.


I kept on running. I heard the thump as he fell to the ground, completely spent, exhausted. I stopped a moment and turned to look at him one last time. His eyes pleaded with me, and his face was wet with tears. He didn’t wipe them away, he just let them fall. He was shaking, sobbing; he looked so alone, so vulnerable.


"Amy, please don’t leave me," He begged once more, his voice cracking.

He looked broken, like his soul had been torn apart. I did this to him; it was my fault.

"Tom, go home," I whispered, speaking slowly; that's all I could make myself say. I felt so evil for doing this to him, but I had to. I told myself this over and over again.


[My whole existence was a curse, being an immortal was harder than it was made out to be. I was the high immortal, the one who made people like this, unchanging. I was the most powerful being in the whole universe, but I was powerless, hopeless, and empty, I only brought pain. Especially to myself and those that I loved.
I was alone and that’s how it had to be. It was better for everyone if I left and hid out of sight and out of mind. I shouldn't have fallen in love, but I had and now i was paying for that mistake. He had my heart and always would, but he had to forget me, I would miss him. I'd rather die than be without him, I'd rather burn for all eternity than see him in pain, but it had to be like this.]
When you interrupt the story with this information at such an emotional point, it really ruins it for us readers. I would instead try to take all this information and sprinkle it sparsely throughout the piece, hinting at it here and there, but never giving a full-on explanation.


He began crawling towards me, eyes desperate, pleading. I made my self turn, heart wrenching in two as I began walking away from him. He called my name again and again, he yelled it, screamed it, begged me to come back, but I just kept on going. I started running, tears cascading down my face. I ignored him, pushed his voice, my memories of him, and my feelings, into a dark corner of my mind.
I concentrated on the road in front of me; everything faded into oblivion; I was know one, and all that existed was the road in front of me…
Okay, one more question...why is there such a big space between each paragraph? Really, only one would suffice. It's a bit disorienting.

OMG!! This is great! So emotional. I love it!

Kafkaescence got most the points I was going to say. But this is amazing. One mistake you did make (and don't worry I did this to with my first post), you didn't say if it was a chapter, prologue, half a chapter etc. To me it seems like a prologue but it could be a really good first chapter if you tweak it here and there and add a little more; like description.
You use some really powerful words but when you describe you either over do it or don't do it enough.

Keep writing. Shadow.

I'm going to review this as I go along, so I could at least try to give you a thorough review. I know that Kaf covered most of the points, but it wouldn't help to reinforce his suggestions would it? . So, here goes.

I’d run 3 miles without stopping, I didn’t have to. But he was human, he had to stop soon, I was surprised he’d kept up for this long.

. I'd change the first sentence, because it was a little confusing the first time I read it. Maybe something like this: I'd run several miles already. I hadn't stopped. I didn't need to.

"Amy…" He looked on the verge of tears. It made my heart break, it made me want to stop and hold him in my arms, never let go. But I couldn’t, it would just hurt him more. I had to leave, go far away. I hoped he’d forget me and move on, he’d find someone that he could grow old with, I knew he would, he was only 17.

The sentences are too long. Punctuation is essential, especially if you want to build up the emotional impact of your writing.

I kept on running, I heard the thump, as he fell to the ground, completely spent, exhausted. I stopped a moment and turned to look at him one last time. His eyes pleaded with me, his face wet with tears flowing down his face. He didn’t wipe them away, he just let them fall. He was shaking, sobbing, he looked so alone, so vulnerable.

Again, some sentences are too long. They're like jarring notes in what should be a beautiful, emotional moment. Try this: I kept on running. (full stop instead of comma.) I heard the thump, (remove comma here) as he fell to the ground, completely spent, exhausted. I stopped a moment and turned to look at him one last time. His eyes pleaded with me, his face wet with tears flowing down his face. He didn’t wipe them away, he just let them fall. He was shaking, sobbing. (Again, comma instead of full stop) He looked so alone, so vulnerable.

I did this to him, it was my fault.

Wouldn't it be better if you said: I had done this to him? Just a thought.

I was the most powerful being in the whole universe, but I was powerless, hopeless, and empty, I only brought pain. Especially to myself and those that I loved.

Remove powerless. It contradicts your preceding statement.

now i was paying for that mistake

I is capital .

I was know one, all that existed was the road in front of me…

know one = nobody. Be careful, review your own work for grammatical errors.

Otherwise...what can I say? Very intriguing, and, although a trifle cliche, I'm a sucker for these type of stories . So thumbs up, very well done here. Keep on writing, your talent is apparent .

Well to be frank, I didnt really enjoy this piece.

You wrote it well, certainly, and it appears that everyone above caught all the nit-picks so I wont go through all that jazz, but there was a couple things that I want to make sure you comprehend with your writing.

In all pieces of writing, especially fantasy, you have to make sure you are understood by the reader or that you give enough explanation as to what is going on so that the reader isnt totally baffled. I kind of got the gist of the piece, being the girl some kind of immortal, in love, and running away. Thats pretty much how all fantasy romances turn out unfortunately. But what turned me off, wasnt the uncreativeness of the piece, but how little you knew of the main character and what or is the characters speicies. If this was a novel or prologue then I can understand, but this is a short-story. You said she was immortal; pretty much all fantasy fiction stories have some kind of immortal creature in it. What kind of immortal; fairy, vampire, lycan, angel, demon or even better, something new for once?

My whole existence was a curse, being an immortal was harder than it was made out to be. I was the high immortal, the one who made people like this, unchanging. I was the most powerful being in the whole universe, but I was powerless, hopeless, and empty, I only brought pain. Especially to myself and those that I loved.

That is a all the information you can get out of about this character. And let me highlight something for you; 'the high immortal; the one who made people like this, unchanging.' This made me really think about what kind of immortal this is and I believe I have come to the conclusion that this is something new that you created. If that is indeed so, you have to make sure the reader knows the details about what, who, and is this creature. I would suggest making this into a longer novel or fiction if that is indeed so, because some way or another you have to get the vital information about this new creature in or else your story will forever be lacking something, or in a sense making the reader dislike it. It wears on you after a while, all this so-called mystery. Im sorry if Im a bit harsh on this matter, but you have to make sure your readers know or else to be blunt, it wont fully be appreciated for what it really is.

Someone said before it was a tifle cliche. It is. And that brings me to my second main point. Be creative. Make something new, something nobody has seen before for that is what makes all successful fantasy writers successful. Its because they created creatures, or a world, and characters that are so unwholly different from any other that people are astounded by their ingenuity. For instance; and I am not very willing to admit this, but that is the reason why Twilight by Stephanie Meyer was so successful. The idea of a vampire and a human falling in love was a concept that wasnt very popular until quite recently. She used characters that readers could connect to and made her own twists on vampires and that is why everyone knows about it. I didnt like that series either to be frank, but eh.

What Im trying to get at, is do something new, and not the same thing that fantasy writers have been doing over and over again. Strive to be unique. I believe you could do it.

The last thing I really am going to mention is get the descriptions in. Yes, this is emotional, but get those details in and use imagery and how to describe things to make it even more intense. I believe if you got the description of Tom in there and of the scenery, of the dark and stormy night or some shiznitz, you can make it more intense. Describe the deperation on his face, how his dark chestnut brown hair was damp with sweat and exhertion, how maybe he lips were chapped from lack of water. Maybe how there was tears in his blue sparkling eyes. Something to give it more of that edge. I totally made up a description of him, dont mind me.

You have excellent potential, but remember, make sure your readers know new creations, be creative, and describe a bit more. You have talent, trust me. And you have a lot of potential. Just work on it a bit.
~Incognito

Thanks everybody for the constructive criticism XD.

But I would like to point out something to 'Incognito'. First of all, I understand my characters fully, I always create a full character biography before I put them in a story. The second thing is that, as far as I know, I've never heard of a story similar to this, I made this up on my own with no outside influences.

This is a prologue, I'm just not sure if I'm actually going to continue it yet. If I do continue it, I would explain who and what the main protagonist is in the next chapter. I would also explain how she came to be that way, I already know what I would write but I just don't know if I should. If I gave it all away in the first chapter it would ruin the whole thing.

I thankyou for sharing your thoughts, even if I don't fully agree with them.

Yours sincerely,
Leesa.

Speechless. That touches the soul. I cannot define the true value of your works. My only tip here is for me. To write like you.

This short story really touched my heart. It shows the true meaning of being immortal, many people think that it would be awesome, until they fall in love. I feel so bad for Amy, I hope she finds a way to be with Tom forever without both of them dieing. But eventually they would grow bored of eachother, as some people would think. This shows great emotion and love, you will be very successful some day.

Wow, good job. I don't normally like this, but this is an exception. Normally it would have to be built up to greatly for me to truely feel this kind of story, but you did this particularly well. You cut right before a climax, as a short story should be writen. I was surprised that this actually stands well on its own, since you can imagine what the protagonist life is like, since you have a lot of description into her. It gives you a very good idea of her character.
This story was touching, thank you for posting it, and I think it would do very well as a expanded story, but also, as I've said, can remain on its own.
This is a great short story, keep it up!

Wow. I could really feel the emotion, it was so touching.
You stopped it right before the climax, and that makes it even better.
I really liked it. At first when I started reading I thought: 'Another scattered love..' but as the story continued I really started to like it, well done!
This short story was great.
Keep up the good work!