The Brothers of Love (1)

Hi,I'm starting a new story line kind of like The Vampire's Story, but I think that ended up being a failure, I started that piece over a year ago and I wanted to see if I could finish it, but as most of you see it didn't turn out well at all! This kind of has the same story line as the other story the boy's names will be the same but the girl's will be different. Please enjoy The Brother's of Love!

"Wow" I said shaking as he revealed himself to me, his true secret, his true being. "Wow." I touched his cheek, grazing my lips against his. "How long?"
"Too long." He pulled from me and put his shirt back on. "Almost forever."
"How did it happen?" I said placing my head in my hands.
"Samantha happened." He said flashing me a grin, his straight white teeth gleaming in the sunlight.
"Samantha?" I asked springing from the log I was sitting on to catch up with him as he walked deeper into the beautiful forest.
"Samantha." He replied grimly. "It's the same for my brother."
"Really?" I said astounded. "Can it be the same for me?" I twirled my long blond hair inbetween my fingers and I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Please?"
"No." He said angrily. "I don't want to ruin your life like Samantha ruined mine."
"Your life is ruined?" I said sadly stroking his cheek.
"Yes, you are my only sunshine. I love you, but I know you love my brother more than you love me which is why you must forget everything starting from when we entered the woods, straight until I'm done kissing you."
"But Steven-" I stuttered as he placed a kiss upon my cheek. He slid my necklace back onto my neck and then disappeared from sight.
*******
Beep! Beep! Beep! I slammed the snooze button down on my alarm clock and climbed drowsily from my bed. "Grrr." I groaned pulling my robe around my thin pajama's. I slowly climbed down the stairs and headed towards the kitchen.
"Mornin' sis." Adam my younger brother said taking a bite of an apple. "Beautiful as always." He laughed showing perfectly straight white teeth.
"Oh haha." I sarcastically ruffling his shaggy blond hair. "You're ready already?"
"Yep, you know me, like a lightnin' bolt." He laughed.
"I wish some of that could rub off on me." I said smiling. I pulled an apple from the bowl at the center of the granite table, taking a bite I felt it's juices squeeze into my mouth. "Mmmm"
"You like apples or what?" Adam laughed.
I smiled punching him lightly on the arm. "If you weren't fifteen we could maybe hang out sometime."
"Ok?" He said confused. "I guess if you weren't eighteen I might actually talk to you."
"Oh haha." I repeated adding extra sarcasim to my voice. I looked at the microwave clock. "Oh my God! Adam! It's almost seven thirty and school starts at at eight twenty!" I threw the remainder of the apple down on the counter I raced up the stairs hearing Adam chuckle with every step I took.
I ran immediatly to my closet and threw on the best outfit in sight, torn jeans with a blue frilly sort of cami type shirt, and a dark brown designer jacket. Grabbing my hairbrush I combed out the knots gently and then began to straighten my long blond hair. Once done straightening my hair I put my make up on, the kind that would compliment my eyes. I glanced at my clock, ten minutes until school. I sat on my bed and slid on my long brown boots, grabbing my bookbag I ran down the stairs to the front door, opening it quickly I ran outside to my car.
*********
"Hey, Andrew." I said placing a kiss on his cheek as I approached his locker. "Did you sleep well?"
"Sure, I guess you can say that." He had large bags hanging underneath his green eyes and his wavy brown hair was in tangles. "Did you?"
"Yeah, but before I got home I was randomly in the woods. I don't remember why or how I got there. It was weird, I don't even remember what happened." I said frowning slightly. "But other than that I slept great."
"Good." He said slamming his locker shut. "See you at second period, have fun dealing with Steven." He chuckled walking down the hall.
"I'll try." I whispered to myself. I turned abrutly and stepped forward running into something like a brick wall. "Crap." I mumbled as I bent down to pick up my books.
"Allow me, Natalie. It was my fault." I looked up to see Steven gracefully swooping down to pick up my books. "There you are."
"Hello, Steven." I said frowning. I brushed my hair behind my ear and shoved past him taking my books as we went. "Do you ever wonder how we ended up getting the same schedule? It's kind of weird, don't you think?"
"I call it luck." He said flashing me his perfect smile, he made me feel like I wanted to hold him and kiss him, just to be with him. Stop it. I told myself sternly. You like Andrew not Steven. As if reading my mind he put his arm around me and placed a kiss on my cheek.
"Steven!" I hissed, though I hated to admit it his lips were soft and luchious and his black eyes appeared to have swirls of mist floating around in them, he had high cheekbones and a natural rosy pink flush to them, he had sparkling pale skin, and wavy black hair. "At least not in public!" I whispered under my breath.
"To the closet?" He laughed.
"No!" I couldn't resist his charms. "Well, maybe we could meet somewhere, but don't let your brother know!" Why am I doing this? I thought frantically. Is something controlling me? "N-" I began slowly, only stopping because of the bell. We rushed into our classroom and slid quietly into our desks.
"Why haven't you texted me?" I jumped as my best friend Amber touched me lightly on the shoulder.
"Amber, I'm sorry. I've been.... busy." I said quietly.
"Ok, well just to let you know me and Brad broke up, you're right he is a pig." She snorted grumpily.
"Well that's what you get for dating my ex." I said forcing a smile.
"Girls!" Mrs. Rosemary yelled. "Is there something you'd like to share with the class?"
"No, Mrs. Rosemary." We said together. She looked back at the board and began to scrawl math.
"You almost got caught!" Steven laughed.
"Steven, why don't you share what's so important with the class." Mrs. Rosemary said angrily.
Steven stood up gracefully and smiled, flashing his perfect teeth. "Ok, Mrs. R, anything for you." He said with a twinkle in his eyes. "What I was thinking, not saying, is that I think Natalie is really hot."
"Oh no." I muttered under my breath. This can't be good.
"And," He said continuing. "I want to date her, but she claims she's to good for me, so I give up." He sat back down and crossed his arms.
"If only a man could do that for me." Mrs. Rosemary sighed.
"Steven!" I snickered. "Why would you say that?"
"It's only the truth, baby." He said winking. I blushed looking back to the board.
"He like's you!" Amber whispered laughing. "A lot!"
"Shut up! We aren't sixth graders!" I laughed quietly. I punched her gently on the arm and she turned away from me with exaggerated humor.
About an hour passed and then the bell rang loudly making me jump, there was a load on my mind and I already wanted to go home. "Crap." I stumbled over my desk as my books tumbled to the ground. I bent to pick them up but they were already in Steven's hand, he thrust it towards me as I straightened up gracefully.
"Well, you're just dropping everything today aren't you, Princess?" He laughed sweetly. I blushed,Princess, my nickname from Steven.
"Why, Steven?" I asked grabbing my books walking past him into the nearly empty hallway.
He seemed confused. "Why, what?"
"Why so you have to be so perfect?" I looked into his beautiful black eyes, his messy black hair was surrounding his face, and his leather jacket was hanging loosely around his grey shirt, reavealing his six pack abs.
"Oh, well how about you and I skip the rest of school?" He asked pressing onto me, I realized I was shaking. I was also terrified, terrified that I would fall under his spell again and kiss him. Not again. I told myself sternly. As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted to go with him. To leave and never come back.
"Ye-" I quckly stopped myself. "N-no." He grazed his lips against mine and stepped back, the bell rang loudly, I jumped. "Crap." There went my books again.
"You seriously have to stop that, Natalie." Steven laughed handing me them again. We walked in silence to our class. "Mr. Hancock, please excuse our tardiness."
"Fine, it's the first time so I guess it can pass." He said gruffly, we slipped quietly to our desks. Mine across from Andrew's, directly behind Steven's.
Mr.Hancock turned to the board, scrawling something about the founding familie's of our town. A small note landed on my desk, unfolding it slowly it read: What did he doto you? I glanced around as my eyes landed on Andrew's, he had a worried expression on his face, he flashed me a nervous smile and faced the board.
Nothing....I wrote back I leaned over and placed it on his desk.
Tell me! He wrote back angrily.
Swear you won't hurt him unless I ask you to?
Fine. I swear.
Ok. Well, um we actually...kissed?
"What the hell!?!" He asked out loud. "Steven how could you?"
"Woah, calm down Andrew! I don't even know what you're talking about." Steven said back, he turned around to face me and winked.
"Natalie. The fact that you would betray me like that hurts me the most." Andrew threw the note to the ground, slid out of his desk and ran from the door.
"Shit." I grumbled placing my head in my hands.
"What is going on?" Mr.Hancock yelled, his pudgy face glowing a bright red.
"Come on, Natalie." Steven said roughly taking me by the arm. He walked over to Mr.Hancock and with a stern expression and quiet voice whispered something to him, Mr.Hancock nodded blankly as we fled the room.
"Let go of me you, perv!" I screamed pulling at his arm.
"Shut up! Come with me so we can get this sorted out." He barked angrily, that was the first time Steven had spoken to me like that. I flinched, suddenly terrified.
I nodded solemnly, following behind him shakily. Walking out the door, he flung me to the side of the building. Pressing me hard against it he kissed me softly, the kisses growing harder and more passionate. I hated to admit, but I enjoyed it. The last thing I saw before climbing into the car with Steven, was a tear stained Andrew, with a face that said I saw everything.

Hello there Cassie! I'd like to start off this review by letting you know that I have nothing against 'Vampire Stories', nor do have anything against 'Vampire Love Stories'. And I'm hoping that you don't take any offense to this, but I find that your story can still use quite a bit of improvement.

"Wow" I said shaking as he revealed himself to me, his true secret, his true being. "Wow." I touched his cheek, grazing my lips against his. "How long?"
"Too long." He pulled from me and put his shirt back on. "Almost forever."
"How did it happen?" I said placing my head in my hands.
"Samantha happened." He said flashing me a grin, his straight white teeth gleaming in the sunlight.
"Samantha?" I asked springing from the log I was sitting on to catch up with him as he walked deeper into the beautiful forest.
"Samantha." He replied grimly. "It's the same for my brother."
"Really?" I said astounded. "Can it be the same for me?" I twirled my long blond hair in between my fingers and I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Please?"
"No." He said angrily. "I don't want to ruin your life like Samantha ruined mine."
"Your life is ruined?" I said sadly stroking his cheek.

I found this particular passage to be the most promising in the story so far. The dialogue seems more smooth in this passage compared to everything else. It'd be nice to see you expanding on a lot of the concepts implied in this passage as well: the anguish of being a vampire, bitterness towards certain women, the MC's ignorance and/or misconceptions of immortality. Actually, I'd like to see you expand on a lot of concepts that go hand in hand with being a vampire/immortal (so many people overlook these concepts during love stories that the Vampire MCs might as well be human).

As previously mentioned, I found a part of your dialogue to be pretty smooth and natural, but I can't say the same for the rest of your dialogue.

"Oh my God! Adam! It's almost seven thirty and school starts at at eight twenty!"

Hello captain obvious. Er, maybe not captain obvious because I probably wouldn't know the time school starts in your vampire universe. But if it makes any sense to you, it would sound pretty obvious to her brother since he attends school as well, and stating the obvious in dialogue makes things kind of awkward. For the reader and the characters. Unless of course you're using this method for comedic value, or your MC is a bit of an airhead, which I have a feeling that's not what you're trying to get across to the readers.
You do the same thing in other pieces of dialogue too, and it makes it harder to really get into the mood of your story. Try reading out the dialogue to yourself and cutting out the awkward sounding parts, you could always put any extra information into the narration.

Oh, and while I'm still on the topic of dialogue; I think you're relying on it too much. Your longest paragraph that doesn't consist of solely dialogue is probably three lines and one third at most. But even then, you're still compacting everything and it's too fast paced. The MC gets led outside, flung against a building, and making out with Steven in less than two lines. Your whole story is too fast paced in fact. Slow it down a little, expand on descriptions (not so much that it becomes horrible purple prose, but just enough) and add more to your story's atmosphere. I'd like to know if the school's old, new, bright or dim. Heck, I'd like to know how uncomfortable the wall she was just flung against was. I know it'd be hard and bumpy and really uncomfortable in general, but you're not the one telling me this, I have to supply the image myself. You need better descriptions (not just of people, but places as well) in order to set a better mood and ultimately give your reader a better reading experience.

Ah yes, now on to your characters. They are quite frankly, bland. They are also kind of perfect. And no, that wasn't a compliment. You have honestly Mary Sue/Gary Stu-ed all your main characters (if you don't know what I'm talking about, google the term 'Mary Sue') and please hear me out before you fall into this death trap. I know you haven't gone into any long tangents about the MC being beautiful, or any agonizingly humble tangents about how bad she is at everything but... She has two hot immortals hanging off her arms who are trying to find a way into her heart (and pants). That has to be saying something. And she is very, very bland.

Beep! Beep! Beep! I slammed the snooze button down on my alarm clock and climbed drowsily from my bed. "Grrr." I groaned pulling my robe around my thin pajama's. I slowly climbed down the stairs and headed towards the kitchen.

So I can see a little bit of personality peeking out in this part. Not as interesting as it could be (because almost everyone hates being woken up by their alarm clock) but it's something. And then there's nothing much that even resembles a personality starting from when she leaves for school. You don't give the reader much insight into the MC's mind other than her describing actions, and swooning over how perfect Steven is (I'll get to this later). Natalie to me just seems like something that's there only to advance the plot and nothing else. At this rate, she'll end up showing no character development (or any character at all), which is one of the key elements to love stories. Characters changing, emotions changing, and perception of the world changing, etc, etc. I'm not sure if Natalie can pull this off.

Now Steven, Steven, Steven. You have turned him into the next depraved Edward Cullen. What.

"I call it luck." He said flashing me his perfect smile

Steven stood up gracefully and smiled, flashing his perfect teeth.

"Why so you have to be so perfect?"-she blatantly states this. why, why, why

Why so perfect? I get the point that he's beautiful, hot, or the embodiment of sex, whatever it is, I get it. Expand more on this. The descriptions are kind of frying my brain because this relationship is so shallow (add some back story for the MCs to make things seem less shallow). Well, the descriptions themselves would still be frying my brain even if the relationship wasn't so shallow.

Steven gracefully swooping down

his lips were soft and luscious and his black eyes appeared to have swirls of mist floating around in them, he had high cheekbones and a natural rosy pink flush to them, he had sparkling pale skin, and wavy black hair.

I looked into his beautiful black eyes

his leather jacket was hanging loosely around his grey shirt, revealing his six pack abs.

The last one made me giggle actually. I have no qualms with reading about extremely attractive people (though they do sometimes get a bit boring). It's just... Steven has no flaws, besides being a hormonal teenager prone to participating in spontaneous make out sessions of course.
Steven is probably the most interesting character in this story in any case. Though he is a bit bipolar, alternating between mischievous and coy, to out right flirting in class, and finishing up with flinging her onto the side of a building. Coy/Placid/I-AM-BEAUTIFUL-AND-GRACEFUL---->Happy/Flirty/YOU-ARE-HOT-BABE----->Angry!MAKE-OUT-WITH-ME-NOW-OR-ELSE-BECAUSE-IT-WILL-SOLVE-EVERYTHING. You see where I'm going with this right?

(I can't say much about Andrew since he hasn't been mentioned as much as the other two)

Try giving each one of your characters one main characteristic and build off of it. It can be an abstract concept, fear, or just a really prominent personality trait.

e.g.
Person A: a very, very angry person

Why is A angry?
A is insecure and keeps people at arms length. A uses anger to repel people from A so that A will never be hurt emotionally.

Leads to.

A is a lonely person.

Leads to.

A really likes animals since A believes they don't judge.

Leads to

etc, etc

Don't jump into a story with only a vague plot and a couple of names in mind. Turn your characters into living breathing people, flesh them out before you start a long story about them. This way, all your characters will feel different to both you and the reader, and they will be more interesting.

Okay now for your plot. The plot isn't really original (but what is original in this world now a days?), and I think it can be executed in a much, much, much better manner.
As previously stated, your story is too fast paced. I want drama, I want breathtaking descriptions, I want tension, I want sexual tension (I mean you can't have a proper make out scene that would satisfy a reader unless you have plenty of sexual tension leading up to it.) The relationship between the MC and Steven is too fast paced for my liking. You should've saved the kissing until five chapters later. You would have more people interested if you held it off for a bit more. Let Andrew be suspicious, let Natalie be hopelessly confused, let Steven steal away the MC subtly without laying a single kiss on her. Readers like drama.

I'll cut off my review here since it's getting a bit lengthy.

To summarize everything: you should work more on expanding on your descriptions and establishing atmosphere. You should also work more on your characters and establishing personalities for them as well (give them flaws. Characters are boring without flaws. Readers want to read about selfish people, people with scars, people who are too tall, too short, awkward people, angry people, people who know that they're bad but won't stop being bad). Slow down a bit on the narration and pace out your story. And do your best to not turn this into the next Twilight because no one needs another one of those (dear lord).

Best of luck with writing the novel though! I hope this review helped somewhat. (Don't hate me too much with being so straight forward.)

-Ludicrous

Hi there!

A few nitpicks-

I groaned pulling my robe around my thin pajama's. no apostrophe - pajamas. I slowly climbed down the stairs and headed towards the kitchen.
"Mornin' sis." Adam comma my younger brother said taking a bite of an apple.

He like's no apostrophe you!" Amber whispered laughing. "A lot!"

Wow, an amazing review from Ludicrous. I don’t really have anything else to add, but since I read this, I thought I should review.

The very beginning, though intriguing, seems to have no relevance to the rest of the chapter. To me, I can’t even imagine Steven being a vampire even though you went right out and told me so. There seems to be no mental instability or blood lustiness anywhere, so I’m having trouble even digesting the fact that this is a vampire story. And I wish you would’ve expanded a bit more on Samantha, though I imagine she will be appearing in the story sometime soon.

You’re characters are pretty cliché, not horribly so, but there is definitely room for improvement. The only thing I know about Natalie is that she is very self-conscious, seeing as she spends an hour every morning getting dressed and fixing her hair and makeup. The only thing I get out of Steven is that he can be loud and obnoxious, seeing as he will just stand up in the middle of class and announce his feelings for Natalie. Adam seems to be completely one-dimensional, the younger brother. And Andrew is the same way, the caring boyfriend who gets the short end of the stick. I can see you making him into an interesting character in time, though.

However, the main thing you should be focusing on is description. You describe a bit of the character’s appearances, but as for the school or the classrooms or her house you leave us blind. Adding in small, interesting descriptions here and there can really make your story memorable and stand out.

Hope you have fun writing the rest!
PM me if you’ve got any questions, or if you need a review for part 2.
~blacksheep

Thanks for the reviews!!! I really hope to improve my story!

~Cassie~

"Wow" I said shaking as he revealed himself to me, his true secret, his true being. "Wow." I touched his cheek, grazing my lips against his. "How long?"
"Too long." He pulled from me and put his shirt back on. "Almost forever."
"How did it happen?" I said placing my head in my hands.
"Samantha happened." He said flashing me a grin, his straight white teeth gleaming in the sunlight.
"Samantha?" I asked springing from the log I was sitting on to catch up with him as he walked deeper into the beautiful forest.
"Samantha." He replied grimly. "It's the same for my brother."
"Really?" I said astounded. "Can it be the same for me?" I twirled my long blond hair inbetween my fingers and I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Please?"
"No." He said angrily. "I don't want to ruin your life like Samantha ruined mine."
"Your life is ruined?" I said sadly stroking his cheek.
"Yes, you are my only sunshine. I love you, but I know you love my brother more than you love me which is why you must forget everything starting from when we entered the woods, straight until I'm done kissing you."
"But Steven-" I stuttered as he placed a kiss upon my cheek. He slid my necklace back onto my neck and then disappeared from sight.

Okay, I love how the dialouge flows here!

"Steven!" I hissed, though I hated to admit it his lips were soft and luchious and his black eyes appeared to have swirls of mist floating around in them, he had high cheekbones and a natural rosy pink flush to them, he had sparkling pale skin, and wavy black hair.

I like how you've built up Steven, very good desriptions of him!! I want to know what Andrew looks like too!


"

What is going on?" Mr.Hancock yelled, his pudgy face glowing a bright red.
"Come on, Natalie." Steven said roughly taking me by the arm. He walked over to Mr.Hancock and with a stern expression and quiet voice whispered something to him, Mr.Hancock nodded blankly as we fled the room.
"Let go of me you, perv!" I screamed pulling at his arm.
"Shut up! Come with me so we can get this sorted out." He barked angrily, that was the first time Steven had spoken to me like that. I flinched, suddenly terrified.
I nodded solemnly, following behind him shakily. Walking out the door, he flung me to the side of the building. Pressing me hard against it he kissed me softly, the kisses growing harder and more passionate. I hated to admit, but I enjoyed it. The last thing I saw before climbing into the car with Steven, was a tear stained Andrew, with a face that said I saw everything.

I'm lovin this ending!
I like your story.... so far. I hope to see it improving over the next few chapters!
XOXO ~Em

Ty for the great review Em!
XOXO
Cassie