The Enemy Chapter 1

*Author's Note* This has recently been updated, 1/20/11, to be exact. I'd like to say thank you to all of you who have reviewed this so far! Thanks for all the ideas! This editing is dedicated you guys You're awesome




CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences.
The voice screams at me. I start running.
It’s windy. Terribly windy.
I can’t do this.
I can. I have to.
No. I can’t. Someone else can do it, but not me. I can’t do this. Not again.
I’m scared. I’m cold.
Did I mention that it’s windy?
I’m imagining tornadoes ripping through this town and carrying me away. If I’m carried away, I can’t complete this appalling task. Maybe the weather isn’t such a bad thing.
Tonight is my nightmare. Tonight is my torture. Wind, rain, and blood. The combination that will ensure my downfall.
CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences.
I call the voice the Enemy. I can’t escape the Enemy’s harsh whispers. It won’t leave. I must surrender to it, its presence is too strong to resist.
The knife is icy in my hand, yet it’s comforting. I feel secure as my hand grasps it. Secure yet helplessly sadistic. I promised myself I would never do this again. I wasn’t ever going to do this again. But now there is no choice. Now I have too. Tonight could be my end.
CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences.
The bloodthirsty Enemy attacks the inside of my head again. I wish I could say no. I wish I could disobey.
I realize with every wish my grip on the knife grows looser. I’m starting to panic. I know what will happen if I drop the knife.
“NO! I WON’T DO IT!” someone screams. I realize that someone was me. Had I really just defied the Enemy who had plagued me all my life? The voice I had become a slave to? That’s when I notice something critical. I had dropped the knife. Just opened my fingers and let it fall. It splashed in a puddle on the dirt road. Am I finally free?
Repercussions, Coren. Think of the repercussions. Pick up the knife, Cor, pick it up now.
I surprise myself yet again by standing still. I run no more, nor do I reach for the knife. But what am I doing? I know what will happen if I don’t carry out the Enemy’s wishes. She’ll die. But I don’t know if I can live in fear anymore. Can I really live the rest of my life in slavery just so she lives?
Your lack of action alarms me. Are you really disobeying my orders, Cor? After all we’ve been through?
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I shout into the damp night. This time, I mean to say the words that come out. I know what the Enemy will say next, but it doesn’t matter. It has been far too long. The Enemy is such a predictable evil, I know what it wants me to do and feel. That’s how it controls me.
Very well, Coren. Claralynn is dead.
I knew those words were coming, but even so, I feel as if I’ve been stabbed. Claralynn is dead. Those three words are so final, so terrifying. What have I done? My knees are about to buckle, but I can’t afford to fall now. Falling means defeat. I’ve been defeated for too long.
I have broken free from the Enemy, yet I also have done the one thing I swore I’d never do. Claralynn will die tonight. Claralynn will die because of me. Claralynn will die with one knife through her heart. But there will be another death tonight. Two hearts will feel the sting of a knife. One heart belongs to Claralynn, and the other belongs to me.
Tonight is my nightmare. Tonight is my torture. Tonight is my demise.

Hey Time8keeper,
I liked the hook at the very beginning. This definetly makes me want to read the rest of your novel. The way your prolouge is vague, but still gives us information is great. I have really vague prolouges, so I applaud you for your good one.

time8keeper wrote:

Prologue
Coren: Age Sixteen

I can’t do this.
I can. I have to.
No. I can’t. Someone else can do it, but not me. I can’t do this. Not again.
I find the arguing with yourself tiring. I know it's short but I feel like you should express the character's feelings a different way. Just stick with the "I can't do this." and elaborate on that.

Tornadoes terrify me. Rain repulses me. But most of all, blood is my blight.
I find this line odd. Tornadoes terrify a lot of people, and you make it sound like you have a phobia. I would like to know why rain rupulses you, and blood is your blight doesn't sound right. Over all, it's almost melodramatic to me.

I call the voice the Enemy. I can’t escape the Enemy’s harsh cries. It won’t leave. I must surrender to it, it’s presence is too strong to resist.
You call to the voice? It doesn't make sense with the rest of the paragraph. The rest of the paragraph sounds like you would rather do without it.
The knife is icy in my hand. The knife is comforting. I feel secure as my hand grasps it. Secure yet helplessly sadistic. I promised myself I would never do this again. I wasn’t ever going to do this again. But now there is no choice. Now I have too. Tonight could be my end. Tonight could be my demise.
Throughout the piece you have really choppy sentences. I would change it up a little. The knife is icy in my hand, yet oddly comforting. If you could combine some sentences, it would sound more flowing, I guess. There would also be more variation with your sentence structure.
Also, "secure yet helplessly sadistic" is a fragment. Combine it with the sentence before.

CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences.
I like how you keep repeating that. I think it builds the drama and emphasizes the conflict.
The bloodthirsty Enemy attacks the inside of my head again. “NO! I WON’T DO IT!” someone screams. I realize that someone was me. Had I really just defied the Enemy who had plagued me all my life? The voice I had become a slave to? That’s when I notice something critical. I had dropped the knife. Just opened my fingers and let it fall. It splashed in a puddle on the dirt road. Am I finally free?
I feel like it would be better if the character defies the voice conciously instead. It would build the character.
I wonder if you didn’t hear me when I said there would be severe repercussions if you did not comply. Pick up the knife, Cor, pick it up now.
The way the voice begins to have an attitude is odd. I think you should just stick to threatening ominously.
I surprise myself yet again by standing still. I run no more, nor do I reach for the knife. But what am I doing? I know what will happen if I don’t carry out the Enemy’s wishes. She’ll die.
I think you should tell us what the repurcussions are before now. Bring the girl up earlier.

I have broken free from the Enemy, yet I also have done the one thing I swore I’d never do. Claralynn will die tonight. Claralynn will die because of me. Claralynn will die with one knife through her heart. But there will be another death tonight. Two hearts will feel the sting of a knife. One heart belongs to Claralynn, and the other belongs to me.
Tonight is my nightmare. Tonight is my torture. Tonight is my demise.

I am the fan of a dramatic ending, and I think you did very well here.

Over all very good. I would like to read the rest. You'll be hearing more from me.
Megsug

Nice work. What I am seeing right now is a person who is being forced by some incorporeal, or else psychokinetic, "enemy" of his. The person then defies the enemy, and suffers the consequence of having a loved one of his - Claralynn - die. After this you establish the mystery of the main character planning - or at least expecting - to die that night. I'm thinking suicide, but then again, that's just a one-dimensional first impression, and it seems too pre-planned to be responsive to Claralynn's death. Well, there's how I am seeing the story. If anything about what I just stated sounds wrong to you, then it's up to you to make those changes so that I am seeing this story the way you want it to be seen. You're the one with all the ideas in their head, not me.

Now, I have some critiques that you should take note of:

1. The names. Unless there is some underlying, plot-embedded reason why everyone thus far introduced has a name that starts with C, you have to change these. Especially the family. "CLAUD," "CLAUDIA," and "CLAUDETTE" are so similar that I think that this is going to be a comedy, since you say it right at the beginning. Obviously, it is not going to be a comedy, so you do not want me to feel this as an initial emotion. Actually, unless the character knows the family well, and even if he does, I would cut out the enemy's knowledge of their names all together. It sounds too much like a list, and lists are germs when it comes to writing.

2. Coren's sudden defiance. When you say that Coren has been "plagued" by the enemy for all his life, I believe somewhat you. What I do not believe, however, is the unexpected rebellious behavior he shows toward it. You cannot simply introduce a problem, and then within just a few paragraphs introduce a heroic defiance and try to dramatize this sudden revolution. Because the drama doesn't work. The reader is not yet accustomed to the problem, not enough that he or she can fully appreciate the valiance of the act of opposition. The whole supposed heroism of the act seems unrealistic. Especially in the prologue. In the prologue, you just want to give a vague introduction to the problem. This is telling a story. That is for chapters. Actually, I'm not even quite sure whether this is a chapter or a prologue. The subject of the piece says "chapter 1," but then you say "prologue" right above the story. Might want to clarify that a bit.

3. The "tornado" metaphor. Even using it once is a bit risky, but you carry through with it and use it a second time, which actually makes me consider whether he actually IS in a tornado.

4. Coren's reaction to the prognosis of Claralynn's death. You need more emotion. After the enemy says, "Very well. Claralynn is dead," I was expecting a sudden burst of "NOOOO!" (kinda like in Star Wars) from Coren. But the way you write it, it seems as if Coren actually has no or little feelings for Claralynn. You don't have to have him say "NOOOO!" but, as you had him suddenly burst out over (I'm guessing) smaller things, such as murdering a family, earlier on, I was really expecting something like this. You don't even depict him doing any act of remorse at all. Even a simple "He sank to his knees" (not that that isn't cliched, but I just want to give an example) packs a good-sized punch.

5. Here are some grammar/spelling/other errors I found along the way:

The voice screams violently at me. I start running.

Just "scream" is enough. "Violently" is quite superfluous in this context.

I’m imagining tornadoes ripping through this town and carrying me away. If I’m carried away, there is no way for me to do this appalling deed. Maybe it’s a good thing then.

Change the second sentence to: "maybe I will not have to perform this horrible act." Cut out the last sentence.

I can’t escape the Enemy’s harsh cries. It won’t leave. I must surrender to it, it’s presence is too strong to resist.

The word "cries" makes the enemy sound weak. You don't want this. You want to depict it as powerful and diabolic. Change it to "whispers;" I think that would make it sound even more dubious. Also, the "it's" should be "its." Remember that "it's" means "it is."

The knife is icy in my hand. The knife is comforting. I feel secure as my hand grasps it.

Whoa, okay. You start off the first sentence with two nouns. You repeat and describe one of the nouns in the following sentence. You then repeat and describe the second noun in the sentence after that. Reading this makes me feel like I'm in Kindergarten, when they read those books that constantly reiterate the pattern shown here. "The cat chases the mouse. The cat is brown. The mouse is gray." Yeah. That's what I hear when I read this.

I wonder if you didn’t hear me when I said there would be severe repercussions if you did not comply.

I know it isn't, but this sounds cliched. At least there's something odd-sounding about it. Try to rewrite this.

The Enemy is such a predictable evil, I know what it wants me to do and feel.

The comma should be a semicolon.

I definitely liked this piece. I liked the atmosphere you developed, I liked the rough, but interesting, writing style you used, and I like the idea of an Enemy that exists inside a person's head that that person must battle. It is almost poetic, this idea of yours. I do hope you found this review useful.

Hey, Megsug!

First off, thank you SO much for the review! It was really helpful!

"Tornadoes terrify me. Rain repulses me. But most of all, blood is my blight."
Thanks for your input on this! I've been meaning to clear this up, I just haven't figured out how yet. It's kind of meant to be melodramatic, but maybe not that much

When I said: "I call the voice the Enemy." I mean that The Enemy is what Coren named the voice. I may clear that up, I'm not sure yet.

I see what you mean with my choppy sentences. When I wrote this I meant the choppiness to be interpreted as Coren's panicked and unfocused way of thinking. This story is basically written as Coren's thoughts while these events are happening, in later chapters (the chapters that take place in the past) the sentences are less choppy.

Thanks for all your input! I'll definitely be working on a lot of the stuff you've pointed out!

~time8keeper

Most of what I would have picked on you for has already been pointed out.

The sudden rebellion, not likely. It would be best if you started with Coren showing signs of this imminent refusal to obey "the Enemy." They can be very small, subtle things such as staring at the knife or trying to move her fingers or they could be a little more aggressive such as actively trying to drop the knife.

I like the short, to the point sentences at the beginning. Arguing with one's self would be expected in this sort of situation. The short sentences help to demonstrate Coren's indecisiveness.

That last paragraph? Perfect.

~Blood

Hey, Kafkaescence!

Thank you SOOO much for your review! It was very thorough and helpful Your impression of this is correct, which is definitely comforting. At least I'm getting my general point across!

Replying to your critiques:

1. Actually there is an underlying meaning to this Otherwise, this would be horribly unimaginative and rather ridiculous! But there is a reason for the C names.

2. I'm debating on whether to keep the prologue as a prologue for right now. The topic is called Chapter 1 because I wanted to make sure it would show up as my Novel. Coren breaking free of the enemy is momentous, but it isn't explained when it actually happens because of the way I'm writing this story. This story is going to made up of chapters set int he past as well as the present. These past chapters are going to work their way up through Coren's life, showing the reader how Coren got to where he is now, and why he was able to break free. The story is confusing at first, but it gets clearer, as most stories do. I have a lot to figure out with this story right now, but it's not my main project, so this story isn't receiving as much effort as I'd like it to.

3. Thanks for pointing this out!

4. Wow, thanks for pointing this out as well! I was so focused on saying what Coren was thinking about breaking free from the Enemy, and the consequences that I didn't realize I barely wrote any reaction of Coren's at all! This will definitely change!

Thanks for your grammar edits! I'll have to fix those!

This review was really helpful! Thanks!

~time8keeper

Hey, ElementalBlood!

Thanks for the review! As I told Kafkaescence, the sudden rebellion will be explained later on, throughout the story. I really just have to work with this story more! Thanks for taking the time to read it

~time8keeper

I thought this was interesting. This was chapter 1, and this is the first i have read of this (if its a novel/novella/short story). In the beginning it is very choppy. I assume it is intentional to show confusion but it's just - choppy. That was your only mistake that i could see. All of it made sense except for when Cor was free from "the Enemy" i wasn't quite understanding. but out of five, i give it a 3 and a half. Here and there, i believe it was missing a few details about his/her surroundings but other than that; i enjoyed reading!!

keep it up.
best wishes,

Nessa

Hey, PaperNessa!

Thanks for the review!
I know what you mean! Actually, about one minute ago I finished editing this so it's a lot clearer for the moment, I think! Thanks so much!

~time8keeper