The New Kid

I’m going to change some names in here, and this is based off a true story, just altered a little bit.

Wow. What had just happened? I walk into Math class, and I felt like I’d been slapped in the face! Why was I feeling like this? It wasn’t a physical pain, but it hurt. Oh, wow. I know what it is. My heart. My heart aches. My heart aches, for him.

I’d never seen him before. Was he new? I’d overheard people talking about a new kid coming to school, and I’d heard them all talk about how cute he was. Man, had they underestimated that one. He was gorgeous. His dark brown hair, perfectly messy and neat at the same time, his posture, that said, “I don’t care, but I do.” He was leaning against the wall talking to someone.

Oh no. He had a flaw. He had a serious flaw. He was talking to that jerk. My ex. The one that dumped me, and then decided to go out with my best friend. That backstabbing, lying, cheating, idiotic, jerk. That didn’t faze me though. I was ready to make him a better person.

“Okay everyone, sit down. We’ve got some review to do today.” My crazy hippie math teacher said. A class-wide groan went around the room. We all sat down in our seats.

“Who is that?” I whisper to my best friend, Haley. I nod in his direction, hoping he doesn’t notice.

“Oh, that’s Zeke Michaels.” Zeke Michaels, huh? Well, I wouldn’t mind being Ms. Michaels. Oh yeah, Alissa Michaels. I think that would grow on me. I smirk. Haley looks over and giggles.

“Ooooooh! You like him!” She squeals.

“Shut up! I don’t want him to hear you!” I whisper furiously.

“Alissa’s got a crush!” I grin from ear to ear, but I deny it.

“Is what you’re saying helpful to the discussion, ladies?” My teacher says.

“Yes, but it contains the answer to the problem, and I wouldn’t want to ruin it for the class.” Haley says, gesturing to the class comically.

“Well, I expect the answer after class. You too Alissa.” This causes Zeke to look in my direction. I feel my face getting hot, and look down quickly at my paper.

“Why don’t you talk to him after class?” Haley suggests.

“Are you crazy?” I respond, shocked, knowing I’m too chicken to talk to him.

“No, I’m not crazy, I’m just trying to be the love doctor!” She smiles. Math class flys by, and next I know, I’m in Spanish class. Luckily, Haley’s not in my class, so she’s not there to tease me about it. I ask my friend, Kaitlyn, how many girls like him already.

“Are you kidding me? Why don’t you ask me how many girls don’t like him!” She exclaims, her perfectly styled hair bouncing. I’m disappointed, and she can tell. I swear, she’s a mind reader.

“Well, I talked to Haley after class.” I groan, wondering what rumor she started this time. “And she told me you were too chicken to talk to him.” Okay, that was true.

“So? I don’t feel comfortable talking to guy! Is that a problem?”

“Well, yeah, ‘cause-”

“Class, sit down! We need to go over our verb conjugation.” I dash over to my seat, and to my dismay, I find out he sits right behind me. I quickly fluff my hair and make sure there aren’t any tags hanging out of my shirt.

“Okay class. Today we’re going to play a game. We’re going to play, Fish Race. I’m going to divide you into teams, and we’re going to see who can come up with four, correct, conjugations first. I’ve already made the teams. Team one, Lana, Malcolm, Alissa, Joey, and Zeke.” I don’t hear the other teams, because I’m too deep in shock. I have to really talk to him. I sink down in my chair. I feel my pulse getting faster when she tells us to meet up with our teams.

I walk over to the table in the corner, where the rest of my team is. I sit across from him, and try not to make eye contact. I try to make him like me though. I laugh at every one of his jokes, comment on everything he says, but I never look directly at him.

Wait a minute. He’s supposedly the love of my life right now, and I don’t even know anything about him! When’s his birthday? Does he play sports? Is he into music? Wow. I’m really bad at this guy stuff.

“Alissa! Alissa, stand up! We have it!” I snap out of my trance to see Joey yelling at me. I stand up, and because of me, my team lost. I didn’t help at all.

I just hope that first impressions don’t mean much, considering how great I am with those.

Now, this is my first story on YWS, so please try not to be too harsh! And if you have nothing to say about the story, please feel free to give me any advice on how to approach this guy!

First of all, happy to hear you put a story on!

I'm a girl, same age as you also, so I'll give you some advice. STORY first, THEN boy-problem.

Well, I really like this! Lots of emotion was put into it. LOTS. Ha, ha. Anyways, the words you chose were quick, yet easy to understand. For example, if you're reading and you come across a word you don't know, then the story's not enjoyabe. You, however, used words that most people know, and it made it fun to read. Good job; I'm looking forward to more stories from you, Amplifier!

Now, what we've all been waiting for, BOY ADVIIIIICCCCE!! Alright, you like this guy. Watch who he hangs out with. Let's say that you find that his best friend is...Bob. So, ask Bob what Zeke's like. You might need to ask Zeke's other friends too, but it's a start! Now, Bob wonders why you asked him that. Bob tells Zeke. Zeke'll like that you want to learn about him, and BINGO! He'll definetly notice you.

Guys can be a bit shy. They love it when the girl says something first. If you get comfortable around his friends, then it'll be easier to talk to him. Also, if he has any, find out who his enemies are. (If they aren't your best friend) Act like you don't want to talk to them. If Zeke thinks you have the same enemies as you, that might help spark a conversation!

Memorise his writing. If you find an "anonmus" love note in your desk, with that writing, you'll know FOR SURE that it's him.

Hope this helps, and I hope to see you on YWS!


:B eavertail13

HAHAHAHAHAHA why wasn't I in it? GRRR.

You have a good groove going, and it's easy to read, but it needs more of a point. this could be more of a start than a whole story. There isn't a plot really, just, " I like the new guy."

It also seems a bit rushed, and don't deny it, I know when you wrote this.

As for the main character, Alissa, make her more in depth. Some some other interest of hers. All we now is that she has two friends, doesn't focus, and likes the new guy. Maybe show more hatred for her ex, or more of her skills. I know that her whole life can't focus around this one boy.

P.S. You already had a semi-serious relationship; HE'S MINE.

Haha, okay this sweet. I love the fact that it's a true story.

However.

I agree with Funkymomo. There is no, plot. It's just you like this guy and there is no conflicting issue/problem.

Remember. "A man up a tree, throw stones at him, and get him down."

Situation: Hot new boy in your class. You like him.

Create a problem. Perhaps your best friend likes him too. And you both try to grab his attention.

Solution: He doesn't like you both but likes your arch enemy. Haha. Keep thinking!

Hope i helped.

~ T.K

Ooh, true story, eh? I'd love to see how it turns out!

So first of all, great start. I really enjoyed your writing - it's quite light and easy like most teenage romances. This Zeke guy sounds very nice - except that we don't know much about him. Is he shy, arrogant? What are his friends like? What are his hobbies? etc. Also, as people have said previously, there needs to be more of a plot to the story. Introduce a conflict - or if you already have one in mind, introduce it soon so that readers will not become bored. It would also be great if you would include more detail about your main character's surroundings, so that we feel more involved with the story.

But overall, this was a great start to what I'm sure will be a fantastic story! Keep it up, and tell me when your next chapter is out.

Alright I am not sure what kind of review you want so I will just give you the basic nit-picky then overall. Oh, and sorry in advance if you think I am harsh. This is good, especially for it being your first thing posted. But it can use improvement.

Your first paragraph:

you wrote:Wow. What had just happened? I walk into Math class, and I felt like I’d been slapped in the face! Why was I feeling like this? It wasn’t a physical pain, but it hurt. Oh, wow. I know what it is. My heart. My heart aches. My heart aches, for him.

O.K. the first thing I notice is that you use the word 'wow' twice. Never use a word like that to close together. It makes it seem you don't have a huge vocabulary. I know you are doing it from your own point of view and you might say 'wow' a lot, but it doesn't sound right. Also, I am not sure about you starting with 'wow' either. A beginning has to draw you in, and I don't thing such a short sentence can do that. Actually, I am not so sure about your whole first paragraph. It didn't make me want to read more. Your repetition of 'my heart aches' doesn't add anything and it makes you sound cliche. Like you are inexperienced. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't setting an example for what the rest of the writing in your story is going to be like. Because that is what a first paragraph does. I don't know, maybe you should edit and in your first paragraph tell me something about this girl who likes this guy. What does she think? What is her history? I don't mean you have to spell it out for us. Just give us little hints.

That actually brings me to another point I want to make. Your characters. Throughout the whole entire story I don't actually feel as if I know any of them. Or what they are really like. In a short story one of the most important things to remember is that you have to be able to introduce your characters very quickly. Even if this was a novel it wouldn't be a good chapter because I don't know who the people in it are. To make people want to read more you have to make your characters relate-able, not necessarily likable, but you have to at least know who they are. I don't know anything about this girl. Obviously she is quiet around guys, but that is basically my extent of knowledge. I think if you give just bits of her history it will tell us a lot about her and know why she acts the way she does. Also just say what she thinks besides about this guy. I have tons of questions about her and the other characters. Like what of this ex boyfriend. What friend is he dating. What does this guy she like even look like?

Yet again that brings me to two more things I want to discuss:

1. You are lacking descriptions. Now don't go overboard and start to describe the way leaves move in the wind, but some description would be nice, and you don't even have to be obvious about it. Some people gives paragraphs of description. That probably just isn't your style, but ever writer needs to give some. For example:

you wrote:“Shut up! I don’t want him to hear you!” I whisper furiously.

To that you could add something like: tucking my ugly, dishwater blond hair falling into my face.

This not only lets us know she has blond hair, but it also tells us she doesn't think she is very pretty.

2. The ending: You leave us on the cliff hanger. If this is the first part you should edit into the title. Because right now it sounds like a first chapter instead of a short story.



O.K., right now it feels as though you are still in the exposition because I don't even know who your characters are yet. There was no climax and there is really no resolution because I have so many questions left. By the end of a story all the lose ends should be tied together, but here I am left with a million things I don't know.

One more thing before I get to the nitpicks. You change tenses back and for all the time. Just in first paragraph you go from the present to the past to past participle all in the first paragraph. You have to stay in the same tense or else it will look sloppy. It is pretty easy to find information on tenses. Just look it up on the internet. Oh, and you change so many times I am not going through it on the nitpicks so you are on your own.

Alright, my overall is officially over. Now for the Nitpicks:

Wow. What had just happened? I walk into Math class, and I felt like I’d been slapped in the face! Why should be I feeling like this? It wasn’t a physical pain, but it hurt. Oh, wow. I know what it is. My heart. My heart aches. My heart aches, for him.

I’d never seen him before. Was he new? I’d overheard people talking about a new kid coming to school, and I’d heard them all talk about how cute he was. Man, had they underestimated that one. He was gorgeous. His dark brown hair, perfectly messy and neat at the same time, his posture, This shouldn't be here; take it out. that said, “I don’t care, but I do.” He was leaning against the wall talking to someone.

Oh no. This should just be a comma He had a flaw. He had a serious flaw. He was talking to that jerk. My ex. The one Has she had more than one? that dumped me, and then decided to go out with my best friend. That backstabbing, lying, cheating, idiotic, jerk. Neither of these sentences are complete, but you probably know that. That didn’t faze me though. I was ready to make him a better person.

“Okay everyone, sit down. We’ve got some review to do today.” My crazy hippie math teacher said. A class-wide groan went around the room. We all sat down in our seats.

“Who is that?” I whisper to my best friend, Haley. I nod in his direction, hoping he doesn’t notice.

“Oh, that’s Zeke Michaels.” Zeke Michaels, huh? Well, I wouldn’t mind being Ms. Michaels. Oh yeah, Alissa Michaels. I think that would grow on me. I smirk. Haley looks over and giggles.

“Ooooooh! You like him!” She squeals.

“Shut up! I don’t want him to hear you!” I whisper furiously.

“Alissa’s got a crush!” I grin from ear to ear, but I deny it.

“Is what you’re saying helpful to the discussion, ladies?” My teacher says.

“Yes, but it contains the answer to the problem, and I wouldn’t want to ruin it for the class.” Haley says, gesturing to the class comically.

“Well, I expect the answer after class. You too Alissa.” This causes Zeke to look in my direction. I feel my face getting hot, and look down quickly at my paper.

“Why don’t you talk to him after class?” Haley suggests.

“Are you crazy?” I respond, shocked, knowing I’m too chicken to talk to him.

“No, I’m not crazy, this should be ';'. I’m just trying to be the love doctor!” She smiles. Math class flies Just a correction in spelling. by, and next I know, I’m in Spanish class. Luckily, Haley’s not in my class, so she’s not there to tease me about it. I ask my friend, Kaitlyn, how many girls like him already.

“Are you kidding me? Why don’t you ask me how many girls don’t like him!” She exclaims, her perfectly styled hair bouncing. I’m disappointed, and she can tell. I swear,This comma isn't needed she’s a mind reader.

“Well, I talked to Haley after class.” I groan, wondering what rumor she started this time. “And she told me you were too chicken to talk to him.” Okay, that was true.

“So? I don’t feel comfortable talking to guy! Is that a problem?”

“Well, yeah, ‘cause-”

“Class, sit down! We need to go over our verb conjugation.” I dash over to my seat, and to my dismay, I find out he sits right behind me. I quickly fluff my hair and make sure there aren’t any tags hanging out of my shirt.

“Okay class. Today we’re going to play a game. We’re going to play, Fish Race. I’m going to divide you into teams, and we’re going to see who can come up with four, correct, conjugations first. I’ve already made the teams. Team one, Lana, Malcolm, Alissa, Joey, and Zeke.” Speech has to be completely natural, and I don't feel that this is. I think a better way to write this would be: "Okay class, today we're going to play Fish Race. I'm going to divide you into teams, and were going to see who can come up with four, correct, conjugations first..." Also notice that I replaced the period with a comma. This is the correct way to do it. I don’t hear the other teams, because I’m too deep in shock. I have to really talk to him. I sink down in my chair. I feel my pulse getting faster when she tells us to meet up with our teams.

I walk over to the table in the corner, where the rest of my team is. I sit across from him, and try not to make eye contact. I try to make him like me though. I laugh at every one of his jokes, comment on everything he says, but I never look directly at him.

Again you use a word twice to close together. Replace one of the 'try's with something like 'I do my best' or 'don't' or whatever.

Wait a minute. He’s supposedly the love of my life right now, and I don’t even know anything about him! When’s his birthday? Does he play sports? Is he into music? Wow. I’m really bad at this guy stuff.

“Alissa! Alissa, stand up! We have it!” I snap out of my trance to see Joey yelling at me. I stand up, and because of me, The comma is unneeded my team lost. I didn’t help at all.

I just hope that first impressions don’t mean much, considering how great I am with those. Why did the team lose? Say something like 'I stand up too late, and because of me my team lost.' to tell the readers why.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

P.S. did you mean to post this in romantic novels not romantic short stories? If you did tell me and I can contact someone to move it for you.

Good job. No plot, and i want to know what happens next! Part 2 please!!!!!!! Zeke is in my BCS, by the way! ANd dont go boy crazy:)

OK, I really don't have anything to say about the story, besides that I think it's kinda funny!

I have some advice for you, and it will be hard to do:
Don't think, just do. Don't become too obsessed with becoming Ms. Michaels, because I can speak from experience, it hurts like heck when you fall so hard for a guy to a point where you want to be by his side all the time, then he turns you down. Keep your head up high though, odds are that he notices you're nervous around him: believe it or not, guys look for signs like that, and they will stare at you just to prove that they are right about that.

And, don't be afraid to act crazy: if he stares at you, no matter if you are blushing deep red or not, stare back for a moment and wave and smile brightly. I think he would like to see that you are facing things head-on.

best of luck, hoped i helped!

--Ash.

P.S.
Don't hesitate to PM me if you want more advice, I'll be happy to help.