Young Writers Society

He said, “Walk with me, Dad”
So we walked.
It was dark out there
- no stars, no moon.
There were lights, though:
hazy, flickering ones.
Vague smears -
Modern day cave paintings
Littered the boundaries
In pink,
In blue,
In red.
Spray cans, Trash cans, Beer cans.
The walls screamed at me.
“You there - this is no place to raise a kid.”
His
Little
Fingers
Gripped tightly to my hand.
Wails of sirens pierced the air:
A sound that was sharper than any knife.
Flashing lights
Pummeling me like a steady waterfall
Crushing him
Don’t let them crush him.
It was late,Too late!
But he pulled, and he tugged
He dragged me with his mind
and those big, blue eyes.
He roped me into his innocence.
The night surrounded us
And the lights!
Oh the lights –
They pushed
They shoved their way through
Into me
Into my dreams
Into my nightmares
Dragging the sirens, the smog, and the city
along with them.
They had me under their spell
There was no escaping it now.
But he still had time!
He could run away from it all - Run away!
He looked up -His eyes reflecting those lights right back at me.
And I began to drop his hand
Just for a second –I swear!
He bent, just to tie his shoe but-
Blinding Lights
A blasting car horn
I spun
And the headlights were there
They were coming towards me
Towards him
I yelled
I reached out
Run away!
The walls screamed
Don’t let them crush him!
And the sirens echoed
And his little fingers
Once gripped so tightly
To my big, rough, hand,
Slipped away.
The whoosh of the car
The tiny scream
But all I heard
Was the voice
Saying:
“You there - this is no place to raise a kid.”

This is absolutely lovely. The way it's written gives it an almost eerie, haunting feel. It's really deep and very sad. Amazing work. I'd give it nitpicks, but I honestly just loved it. I can't find any. I did find it unusual that you said it was dark, but yet there were lights- it gives the poem a deeper, interesting feel. Overall, the emotions ran true, and wording was lovely, and this was very well written. Excellent job, mate.

Keep writing!

-Tori

This really is a beautiful poem. I loved reading it - especially near the end. The very last line was most enviable. Here are some quibbles of mine:

He said, “Walk with me, dad”

This is extremely nit-picky, but "dad" should be capitalized, as it's a nickname, and there should also be a comma after it.

- no stars, no moon
there were lights, though…
hazy,
flickering
ones.

Though it is fairly good as it is, I would change it so it reads:

"- no stars, no moon.
There were lights, though:
hazy, flickering ones."

Nothing about the actual content of the words, of course, but I did do some adjusting to the punctuation and line breaks, which can be just as important.

He dragged me with his happiness

Never use cheerful words such as "happiness" in such a grim scene; it really kills the atmosphere.

He could run away from it all…

Change the ellipsis with a dash. Only in very rare circumstances should you use an ellipsis in poetry.

I swear!
He bent
Just to tie his shoe but-

These three lines really confused me. I am not sure what you were meaning to say by them. Consider changing this.

The walls screamed

You just said "screamed," so this sounds odd to me.

Hand…

Change the ellipsis to a comma.

That's it for now. Don't get me wrong - I loved this piece, from the first line to the last. Keep it up!

Awesome buddy... This is just great...
Loved this piece through out...
I could not see any flaws in it...
WOW...
Keep up the great work...
PM me for anything...

I absolutely love the simplicity of it. Very emotional and it's wonderful how you can put all that feeling into those short lines. Well done.

Someone has talent!
I love this site cause all the ideas are so original and this is my favourite poem apart from a good few of silentrain's work.
I found no fault other then the structure was a little weird but I must say I have a thing for weird cause I really liked how you lined it up.

It must have taken a lot of thinking and effort to come up with such a heartfelt poem. It was so unique and really honest (that's just how it seemed ) I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work, no wonder you got featured.

Tis was truly excellent and I hope your proud.
Kaka xo

I thought that, overall, this was a great piece. Your ideas were not only a constant stream throughout the poem, but a connection as well. You mentioned different details earlier on in the poem, but didn't allow us to understand the meaning behind them until the very end, where the emotions break apart but the piece itself all comes together. I love the thought put into the piece and into the descriptions of the city - you did a great job, here.

My only suggestions are:

1) You used a lot of ellipsis in this piece. While it works in certain situations, I believe it is something that's used a bit too liberally, sometimes. You didn't cross the line for me, but you may want to keep in mind that adding too much of it can really steal from the overall atmosphere of a piece.

2) Your structure, while it enhanced the effect of some parts, wasn't very strong regarding the entire piece. There are some lines that really weren't significant enough to just stand on their own and perhaps should have been joined with another line to help keep the poem sharp. Granted, you don't want every line to pack a powerful punch or else the poem can get overwhelming, but if you have really weak points in your piece (in my opinion, this was one of them: But he still had time! / He could run away from it all… / Run away! / He looked up / His eyes), it can dull down the emotions. A structure like this would be more effective in a shorter piece, where every line should sustain some sort of significance. But in this one, it just got a bit distracting and old.

Other than that.. I love this. Very simple in word choice, but something as fast of pace as this really doesn't have time for bigger words. You did a great job, and definitely have some talent in writing. Keep it up!

This was so sad. Heart-wrenching in fact. It was beautiful as well though. The emotion throughout the entire poem was spot on. The gradual increase of the climax was great. This kept the reader glued to the words, wanting them to find out what was next to happen. The personification of the walls makes this have an eerie feel to the poem. I do have one concern though, the title. It does not seem to fit with the content of the poem. But that just might be me. Great job. I loved it. Keep up the good work.

Thanks so much everybody! I edited it a little bit, and changed the title - I hope it's better!