Estrangement

At this fork in the road, you must decide
on whether you would like
to suffer this avalanche,
or look into the eyes of the
fox, who rests, weeping, on your side
of the sun. Was it his daughter that
fell lifeless that dark night, beneath
the splintered moon, at the clutch of
your talons? You choose to forget,
for you are losing control.
And was it truly that star overhead
that you decided should be no more?
For it is still there, laughing
at the foolishness of your plan.

But you choose the former, shaded
by the shadow of these dying trees,
by the utopia from which
you emerged, so long ago.
And you will curse this millennium,
as you claw at the footprints you see
in the sand underfoot
that you have traced for all of eternity.
Your followers have been reduced
to the plaque you stand on,
devoid of flowers.

Finally it is over, and you wince
at the fox who walks tentatively
over to you. You are invisible
to its eyes, but it can feel you,
and so as it brushes you with its tail,
you whisper an apology.

It looks down at the hole
into which you have fallen. But all
it can see is a worm, writhing
in its pain, shrinking forever,
into nothingness.

Evening, Kafka.


First off, your descriptions are definitely changing. I was pleasantly surprised (and slightly curious) at the detail that poured into this. Now, while this is very detailed, it doesn't feel like you have as much control over this as you do with your other pieces. Your poem is constantly impeded by commas and pauses you make to further describe something... If you can't fit an image in fluently, then perhaps it's best if you either find another place for it or just don't include it at all (save it for another piece).

Kafkaescence wrote:At this fork in the road, you must decide
on whether you would like
to suffer this avalanche that your shattered dagger,
tainted with blood, has slain,

Your attention in this part seemed to be directed toward the mental picture of the dagger, when the actual choice to be made had to do with the avalanche that destroyed your dagger in the first place. It appears as if you focus too much on packing in detail to the little things that you forget the main focus of your lines. Ideally, you're choosing between an avalanche and a fox, not a dagger and a fox, so less focus on the dagger.

That been said, you tend to go off on your adjectives and imagery quite a few times throughout the poem; sometimes it feels like you're shifting focus from object to object, sometimes it seems like you're taking one image too far. I won't go and point them all out, but it's something I would suggest paying attention to. The impact your piece has on a reader doesn't have to do with the amount of adjectives/imagery you pack into one noun (the dagger, for example) - it's more or less the words you choose and what you do to make them flow through correctly and collaborate with the rest of your poem. Only keep the ones that matter and can be weaved in without revealing the stitches.

Kafkaescence wrote:throughout the depths of your heart. And
was it truly that star overhead

Ahhh! Be sure to maintain control of your transition between sentences, despite all of the detail. While it is easy to use "and" in a poem, it remains a fact that it's not the greatest starter for a sentence Rarely does it ever work. But, we all slip up on stuff like that quite often, so it's not too big of a deal. Just be aware of it, is all.

Kafkaescence wrote:There is a single rusted nail here,
beneath this stone,
with which you can reconstruct yourself,
if that is what you choose. But you
devour the nail, and sob.

Okay. Concept is clear, but this doesn't coexist with the rest of the poem too well. Either remove it, or perhaps reword it is all I can really suggest.

Overall, like I mentioned before... some of this sounds a bit forced, as if you have all of these images but you can't quite balance them all into one piece. Surely they can work, it's just a matter of finding the perfect wording to get them all in there without just "telling" the story to everyone, which obviously just takes practice. I love the ending, with the fox peering in the hole and staring at the writhing worm. The end held a sense of power in that it revealed this person in their lowest state. That pretty much made the poem Awesome write, and good finish.

I see everything has already been corrected, so all I have to say is to try and shorten the amount of sylables in some lines. It does have a distinctive rhythm but some lines just don't feel quite right. I love the poem and idea but you just need to work on getting that flow to perfection.

Fantastic work, though!

Enstrangement is an awesome title. Just saying. The other person did a good job with correcting stuff. I enjoyed reading your poem. It's very intersting and I think you did a wonderful job with it. Keep up the good work and well done with this!!