Don't Run Away

Don't Run Away - a short story by birchermuesli

Joan pulled her cloak tightly over her weak body, shivering as she paced around the confined space in small circles. The room was dark, lit only by the moonlight; it was silent, save the sound of her chattering teeth. She could see her sickly white skin, pale from going years without the sun, slowly turn one shade greyer as the seconds ticked by.

Small puffs of fog formed and disappeared with each breath she exhaled. Joan curled her toes crudely against the cracked floorboards. They groaned under her weight as she quickened her pace, desperately trying to create warmth in her bare feet.

The distant sound of hooves grew louder and louder as it approached the manor. Joan’s eyes shot up, the red lenses shining fiercely as if rimmed with rich fire. She shuffled to the window ledge, shaking more violently than ever. Paying little attention to the bones protruding out from her body as they rubbed against one another, she reached out to peer over the window ledge. Usually such a reminder of her poor physical state bothered her, but tonight was too important of an opportunity to mull over minor factors as this.

Amidst the blackened sky, January’s full moon shone brightly and magnificently. Seven black ravens altered their course down the manor and flew to the upcoming carriage, tightening their circles around it as it drew to a stop. Joan stared, transfixed. She could vaguely make out two black hooded figures step out. They made their way silently towards the manor.
As if he knew that she was looking, one of the figures suddenly lifted his head and gazed straight into her eyes. Joan jerked as an unnatural spurt of warmth shot through her body, setting her at unease. The man’s steps quickened.

We’ll be there soon. Don’t run away, sweetheart.

The ravens reverted back to their original course around the castle. As they flew higher and higher, one stopped momentarily by her window and emitted a loud, piercing crow. Its sound reverberated throughout the night. The trees shuddered in agreement.

“I know, I know,” she murmured.

Joan wasted no time hiding in corners. She closed her eyes and drew herself together, concentrating hard on a singular point in her vision. Evening out her breathing, her body flared up with warmth as her mind entered a world of burning flames, ruined buildings and black skies.

Her hands grasped the edge of the window, trembling slightly. The top layer of ice covering the ledge melted beneath her grasp. Saka ve, saka ve, she chanted in her mind. Bring me there.

Then she leaped out the window, seven stories down. This time, it was not her mind that soared, but her body. Defying gravity, it travelled upwards in a beeline towards the moon, following her outstretched fingertips.
Joan rejoiced triumphantly as her skin slowly began to fade into the darkness. “Yes,” she hissed. “Yes!”

All of a sudden, there was a tugging at her throat as air disappeared out from its source. Joan choked and spluttered, instantly losing control of the powers that had taken her all those years to build. Her body crumpled and flew back to the manor at triple the speed of her departure. It was only a matter of a few seconds before her head slammed back against the wall and Joan fell, browbeaten and hopeless, to the icy cold depths of slavery once more.

“You didn’t really think that you could escape, did you?” a voice hissed at her ear. “You are mine. Never forget that.”

'Allo, muesli!

Joan curled her toes crudely against the cracked floorboards.

This is completely up to you, of course, but it seems like an odd use of the word "crudely" here. "Crudely" means "rawly" or "roughly" or "bluntly," and I'm not sure what it really means to curl one's toes "crudely."

Joan’s eyes shot up, the red lenses shining fiercely as if rimmed with rich fire.

Red lenses? When I read this I thought you were trying to say that she was wearing red-tinted glasses. >.< Do you mean her eyes are bloodshot? But then that wouldn't be her lenses, really, would it? You could just say "Joan’s reddened eyes shot up, shining fiercely as if rimmed with rich fire."

Usually such a reminder of her poor physical state bothered her, but tonight was too important of an opportunity to mull over minor factors as this.

This sounds really awkwardly-worded to me. Maybe try "...but tonight's opportunity was too important for her to mull over such minor factors as this." That means something slightly different, but I think it reads more smoothly. But you should play with it and see if you can figure out something that works better.

Amidst the blackened sky, January’s full moon shone brightly and magnificently.

I don't think you're using that word correctly. "Amidst" means "in the midst of," or, sort of "in a crowd of." So it implies that whatever you are talking about is surrounded by lots of individual things. Does that make sense? For example, you could say "Amidst the stars," because there is a bunch of stars, and the moon is in their midst. You can't say "Amidst the sky" because the moon can't really be in the midst of the sky, can it? In general, think of only using "amidst" in a place where you would use "in the midst of" or "among."

She closed her eyes and drew herself together, concentrating hard on a singular point in her vision.

Hm... I'm not sure about this. If her eyes are closed, how can she focus on a point in her vision? O.o

All of a sudden, there was a tugging at her throat as air disappeared out from its source.

I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean. Are you trying to say she's being strangled?
--------------------------

Wow. This was a very emotional piece. I loved the imagery and descriptions--you have a beautiful way with words. Even if not everything that was happening made sense (I'll go into that a little later on), you portrayed an excellent sense of character and feeling and even setting, though you didn't describe it much. I loved the dark, dangerous feel of it. Even though you didn't explicitly say that the men in the black coats were bad news (in fact, you seemed to almost hint at it being otherwise) symbols and the way you described things made me sure that they were. For example, the seven ravens--ravens symbolize death, and seven is a very common number in many myths. And the men were wearing hooded black cloaks--like grim reapers. These things (to me, anyway) gave a sense of preordained darkness. Well done!

Positives aside, I really don't feel like I understood all of this piece. I understood the emotion, and the character, but the plot? Not so much. From what I gather, Joan is a runaway slave of some sort who has been hiding in a (abandoned) manor for a long time. In the end, I assume, her master comes and finds her. But what happened in the middle? It almost seemed like she was wishing she would die before he got there... but if that's so, she was dreaming of going to hell ("... her mind entered a world of burning flames, ruined buildings and black skies."), not heaven. And why does she feel warmth upon seeing the man, if he is her master an (apparently) abuses her?

It's also unclear if the sound of hooves was there all along, or if she only started hearing it at the point where you mention it. Could she hear the men coming since the beginning of the narrative? Knowing that would help the reader have a more clear (both emotionally and plot-wise) picture in their head.

But all in all, I really liked this! You have an excellent way with words, my friend. PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions/comments/complaints/etc. about my review!

I hope this helps a bit.
a

Oh, I loved this! Your description and the way you created the sense of something being wrong was incredible. I particularly enjoyed how you described your character's impatience at the beginning of the story. VERY well done. I thought that it could be just a little bit more personal with Joan, however. Is she a dark being, or someone good? Who is she--what is she? I enjoyed some of the symbolism in her, of the seven crows and how the figures were cloaked. Also, I like how the warmth she feels sets her at unease. Usually you would think it would be that which gave you comfort. I think this added a nice touch of otherworldliness to the story.

Hi birchermuesli! I really liked this story. I did notice a few minor things that could be fixed, though.

She could vaguely make out two black hooded figures step out.

There's some tense confusion here. It should be "stepping out." Also, isn't this a little cliche? I mean, how many stories have you read about black hooded figures who run around acting mysterious and spreading their doom and gloom everywhere? The black cloak and hood has got to be one of the biggest stereotypes in fantasy stories. There are other ways to make characters seem ominous and dark than slapping a hood on their head. Just something to consider.

Evening out her breathing, her body flared up with warmth as her mind entered a world of burning flames, ruined buildings and black skies.

I love this imagery, but I'm a little confused about why she tries to escape to there. Is it supposed to be hell, or something else? I'm gathering that your main character isn't human, or is a human with special talents, but I don't see how it ties into the world. A little clarification would make this part less confusing.

Like the above reviewer, I think that you have a nice way with words. Your style is very clear, and it makes the story enjoyable to read. I liked the symbolism, too, though it was a little too in-your-face for my liking. The number seven and ravens are both very strong symbols that most people would identify right away. Because of this, I would make it a little more subtle. A mere "flock of ravens" would still convey the foreboding mood, without distracting from the story and making the symbolism too obvious.

You describe things well, and I could really picture the scene. This kept me reading, even though I found the story a little confusing. What is the relationship between Joan and the hooded man? I gathered that she's his slave, he's abusive, and he hunted her down after she escaped. But where's the emotion? How does Joan feel about this guy? Does she feel a flash of hatred when their eyes meet? Is she terrified to be found by him? Or does she have some affection for the man, even though he's clearly abusive?

Details like this will help the reader identify more with the main character. Right now, she's just a girl hiding in a manor who panics when her master comes to reclaim her and tries to escape by flying out the window. There's no connection there, nothing that will make me want to cheer this character on. You do a great job describing her physical appearance. Now you need to work on describing her in a way that will make her seem like a real person (even if she's not actually human). We don't need her whole back story and autobiography in the first chapter. Just slip in some details that will flesh your characters out.

Overall, though, you did a nice job. You have the bones of a nice first chapter. You've got the style down, you've got the good descriptions, and an excellent mood. Just make a few improvements and work on your characters, particularly Joan, and you'll make this good story a great one.

I hope this helped!
Magnus

Hi there!

I liked the idea here but there's a few questions that i feel are left un-answered.

Who is she? A person that has supernatural abilities, i got that at the end.

Who were those cloaked figures?

Why is she being held captive?

If this is just a chapter or a start of something bigger. Don't worry about what I've said. I'm sure you will answer my questions.

(If it is just a chapter)

~ T.K

Some very powerful description>>> me likes. I am most certainly interested in how your concept of magic will develop in the future (the part about being aware of the ruined and burning buildings is most intriguing).

I do have some "beefs" though that should be addressed. first: you mentioned about how bones were protruding from her body (assuming broken and sticking through the skin) and how remembering that usually annoyed her. I see a problem here. usually implies they have been like that for some time. people simply (especially in the middle ages) dont do well when they have bones sticking through the skin. besides the fact she wouldnt do very well at pacing about, pulling a cloak about her or leaping anywhere there is a huge medical issue. having a bone sticking through the skin (particularly a large bone with exposed marrow) is pretty much guaranteed to get an infection swiftly if untreated. Besides a likely fatal infection there would likely be a lot of blood loss which (if it were a large bone or if blood vessels were severed by the jagged broken part) could mean she would be barely conscious. Second: Her being pulled back up to the window (im assuming by three times faster than she was on the way down it was quite violent) this would likely kill her. its not the fall that kills someone>>> it is the sudden stop from hitting the ground and organs turning to moosh. thats from decelerating to zero. now add in decelerating then going in the other direction three times terminal velocity. for a minor sample of this try head banging (like a rocker) a few times. thats what it feels like to have your brain rebound off the inside of your skull at a slow speed.

Okay nit picking done. Over all a very creative piece i look forward to reading more.

Hello there! Sorry its taken me so long to get to this, had a slightly hectic week

Alright, well! I like this. There's some confusion as the others have mentioned, but you've got great atmosphere, a great sense of fore-boding and it's hard not to be swept up into the story. Even with the confusion there, I found myself tearing through the piece, enjoying the imagery and action equally.

However, the ending wasn't satisfying enough. It pretty much matched your title for lack of creativity and I was expecting until that point for all the confusing parts to slot into place and suddenly make sense, which they didn't, so I was a little disapointed by that.

Let's move on to a few line-by-line comments and then I'll address some of the bigger issues...

The distant sound of hooves grew louder and louder as it approached the manor. Joan’s eyes shot up, the red lenses shining fiercely as if rimmed with rich fire.

First comment! Lenses isn't a good choice of word in fantasy. The trouble is, we don't know if she has red eyes or is wearing red lenses. It would seem like the latter but I have a feeling you meant the former! Instead use irises ^^

Usually such a reminder of her poor physical state bothered her, but tonight was too important of an opportunity to mull over minor factors as this.

That last part should be either, 'minor factors like this' or 'factors as minor as this'.][/color]

She could vaguely make out two black hooded figures stepping out. They made their way silently towards the manor.

As if he knew that she was looking, one of the figures suddenly lifted his head and gazed straight into her eyes. Joan jerked as an unnatural spurt of warmth shot through her body, setting her at unease. The man’s steps quickened.

More explanation about why the warm feelings make her uneasy would be good. Just show her a little of her thoughts or something.

Joan wasted no time hiding in corners. She closed her eyes and drew herself together, concentrating hard on a singular point in her vision. Evening out her breathing, her body flared up with warmth as her mind entered a world of burning flames, ruined buildings and black skies.

Her hands grasped the edge of the window, trembling slightly. The top layer of ice covering the ledge melted beneath her grasp. Saka ve, saka ve, she chanted in her mind. Bring me there.

Alright so there's a place that exists which she wants to reach. I assume it's somewhere she deams safe or at least somewhere reasonably far away. I'm still with you at this point.

Then she leaped out the window, seven stories down. This time, it was not her mind that soared, but her body. Defying gravity, it travelled upwards in a beeline towards the moon, following her outstretched fingertips.

And now you lose me! When did her mind soar before? You can't say and this time it was not her mind that soared since you haven't shown it soaring in this story. The body thing is fine, so she's travelling, or trying to. However, describe how that works more because suddenly she's back in the room when he wakes her up. I take it that he somehow grabs on to her after-image or something and interrupts her travelling but none of that part is clear.

Title: It doesn't do justice to the piece. It's unoriginal and ordinary, there's none of the magic or wit that you express in your writing to be found in the title and that's a shame because it's the first thing your reader's going to see.

In-depth Magic: Now I'm no stranger to high fantasy, which is what the magic elements in this feel like to me, and yet I'm still confused. You need to be able to explain them better. If this was part of a novel then it would be fine because you'd get multiple chances to introduce these cool powers and things but, since it's a short story, everything has to make sense within the scope of the piece. You need just a little more detail so we know what's going on. Clearly she's trying to break free but why has she waited right until her master arrived to make that attempt? Did she need his presence for whatever spell he's casting? Was she building power right until that last moment? Or was it simply going to be a hah! in his face but she got the timing wrong?

The ending: I'd have liked more of a revelation than the cliche, 'you belong to me' thing. Who is the other hooded figure with him? Do they live here or have they found her? Maybe just extend the piece a little to give your reader some more closure.

Annnd that's all from me! In general, like I said, I liked this. I just feel it could use some cleaning up. If you've got any questions then feel free to send me a PM! I hope this helped a little,

Heather xxx