I Am Not A Monster Afterall

Thank you for the comments on this piece of writing,
I have removed it for awhile for personal purposes (nothing bad btw, haha)
I am planning to edit it and will post it, better then ever, asap. Though I don't know when this will be.
Sorry for anyone who wanted to read. It will be sorted soon.

Byes, Loves, Lily xx

Hello there

Wow, this is intense, isn't? I love the emotion of this, it's so anguished and... almost freaky. I love the style, even if it's really choppy, and could have more flow, I think it matches the mood and all.
Also, whoa, have I mentioned this is intense?

On to nitpicking...

I sit here in your subconscious waiting for you to become weak or tired.

Be careful to spell-check

Then I walk and drink, 'till our shared brain goes numb and 'till you once more take your body back with confusion.

Until, if written in the contraction, should be written with an apostrophe before, even if the complete word would be better.

You see, comma I blame you

What's hidden in the blackest box of the darkest memories?

This should be 'what is', therefore there should be an apostrophe.

Yet you were convinced no one would believe you.

'No one' this way.

I knew this was all your fault.

Keep in past tense while talking about the past.

Maybe one day it would have stopped, comma if he was still alive, but I doubt you would have been a factor. Yes, comma as the years grew the abuse lessened, but it still was not completely gone.

You could have stopped him.

'Could have', 'Would have' and all of this, even though pronounced as 'could of', shouldn't be written like that.

Yes, There was no mother to tell, comma as she died in birth, but there could of been others.

It's what you deserve. As you sleep, comma I will wake.

This is a just in case, comma it's just in case you survive

'In case' like you mean is written like this, 'incase' written like this, means surrounded or enclosed.

Though know this: I will not stop. I will carry on 'till you are dead, comma 'till you have paid for what you have done.

Overall, spell-check would definitely help. Even though you don't have all that much mistakes, those are small mistakes you should be able to catch before posting. I loved the story and the mood Crazy but very intense.
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

Overall, this is a good idea. I really liked the use of second person (that's a favorite of mine), and it definitely helped keep Frank's narrative dark and accusatory and desperate. If anything, I'd add to the insanity of this by making the sentence structure even more choppy. Because this is a narrative, things like fragments can become a great tool in portraying the voice of a psychopathic-type character.

I am going to kill you. Its what you deserve. As you sleep I will wake. I will set the house alight and let you burn alive. Cleanse you. Purge you. Make you fit for your so called heaven. Your skin will melt off your bones. Your hair will singe. You will turn to ash. While this happens I will watch. I will not feel the pain. Only you will.

This is what I'm talking about. This is good stuff. The short, sweet sentences add for a seriously chilling effect. Once you begin adding complex sentences to something like this, it just gets boring and too "normal"-sounding. And this narrator is definitely not normal, aye?

So yeah, cool idea and good choice of POV, just need to work on the execution a bit to make the mood of the piece even deadlier.

Hey! Excellent piece. It was SO intense. I could feel the chill. Yikes. Creepy too. Frank is like the other side of Saul, right?
I liked many things about this story, but as usual, I look in a story for meaning and a certain message. I liked yours so much! The subconscious revolting against the conscious or something like that. I thought of something of the same kind for my novel too, but Frank really outshines any of my tries.
I like the short sentences. I think it's something which readers enjoy but most writers don't use it. I don't know why, honestly. But, beware, at some point, the short sentences become tiring. You have to stop so often and this sometimes even breaks the tension. But I think you weren't in that zone, for now. I'm saying it just in case.
You had a couple of spelling mistakes, but I think Microsoft Word could do that for you. I always think spelling and grammar are not as important as the style of the writer and what emotions he\she succeeds in transmitting. And your style ROCKS. But be careful not to over-use it.
Honestly, I read it two times and I think I'm going to have a nightmare in which Frank is involved.(I'm saying it as a good thing. You want people to feel terrified by Frank, right?)
Oh, oh, and I think it's so nice that you made Frank have some feelings. When he said

I'm not a monster after all

, I went awww.

Hi, Lily!

Firstly, as previous people have mentioned, you need to improve your basic spelling in this piece! That's not a big issue, because as always this is a draft so not expected to be perfect. However, just remember that bad spelling and grammar can really put a reader off as they will detract from the work, and no-one wants that.

Structurally, I think a lot of this was really nice. You do use short sentences for a good effect, which in some cases really works and makes the entire thing rather chilling. However, I do think that this was a little bit overused, and some more variety in sentence length would add to this piece. In some places, simple extend or merge your sentences and hopefully this will be a nice break from the very choppy style employed in other places. Whilst I'm on the subject of sentences - some of yours seem like sentence fragments (that is, they don't actually make sense as a sentence on their own.) To check this out, just go through and see if the sentences would make sense out of context.

Now, some parts of this were chilling as you meant them to be. Some parts of the father scene were, as was this:

I am going to kill you. Its what you deserve. As you sleep I will wake. I will set the house alight and let you burn alive. Cleanse you. Purge you. Make you fit for your so called heaven. Your skin will melt off your bones. Your hair will singe. You will turn to ash. While this happens I will watch. I will not feel the pain. Only you will.

However, I also think that other parts need some work before they fully live up to this work's potential. For instance, some sentences in the father scene seemed, to me, overly dramatised which really detracted from the overall tone. An example of this is:

If any amount of noise was made, bruises would then cover your body. This would result in blades being pushed into your arms. Blood flowing to the floor.

I personally didn't find this on par with the rest, as it went a little over the top in places.

Another thing I noticed is that there seems to be little explanation for the transition between Frank being trapped and Frank being free. The introduction to the story didn't seem to do it justice - for me, it jumped in too quickly and skimmed past everything so that you could move onto recollecting memories. If you just didn't want to spend time on that part, then okay, but I feel like Frank actually needed a little more development in that one area. We then don't understand why Frank's suddenly able to break free of his previous confines - there wasn't any particular climax. This isn't a huge deal, but for the reader it means that the story seems a little bit rushed. Perhaps you could just add in a small bit about him getting stronger or something.

Overall, it was a good piece. It just needs more work to take it all up to the same standard! PM me with any questions.

-Amy