Young Writers Society

When she talks,
My heart it stops
Her voice a treasure
Her presence a pleasure.

When she cries
I'll be there to
wipe her tears
Right off her eyes

Eyes the brightest shade of amber
Like the leaves on trees in November
Her smile is vibrant
Her hair is brilliant

Her personality is shimmering
And leaves my spine shivering
butterflies caress my stomach
when i see her i am awestruck

She makes me feel like a king
And to me she is a Queen
But theres just one problem
That you must see.

She does not show interest in me
She is one of who believes plutonic love
And would like to be just friends you see
But i can show her what i'm made of.

I can Prove how much i care
It will take time but i swear
No matter what it takes,
She will be mine
My hand and hers will be entwined

I love her much as you can see
I know that she's the one for me
All i must do is make her believe
And if i succeed i will achieve
the girl I've seen throughout my dreams.
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hey guys, thanks for reading. this is a poem about a girl i like, and well, i guess the inspiration was just there in the vast amount of love i feel for her. but i hope you like it. -Kilo

hi, well for starters, I like this. But the structure is what irritates me the most.

When she talks,
my heart it stops
Her voice is a treasure,
Her presence a pleasure

is this your first time writing a poemthat rhymes? It seemse like it... This first stanza just seems sort of ... Blahh, I guess. If it's hard for you to make a rhyming poem; don't do it! I've tried and failed. Also, you can tell you moved words in front of others to make it flow, as well. You don't want the reader to notice these things! Also, since you seem to continue your poem describing her appearance, you have to have what my teacher calls "parallel structure" , which pretty much means all lines have to look the same.

Eyes the brightest shade of ambe
like the leaves of trees in November.
Her smile is vibrant
her hair is brilliant

this part is where you totally disobeyed the parallel rule, and it just breaks the whole piece. Since you described her eyes, describe her smile. Is it bright like oceans sun? That's dumb, but it's an example. The same for her hair,, how is it brilliant? It's HAIR. Use this throughout your entire poem, because this is what is lacking the most. Revise, and then repost. Also, try to not make it rhyme. It would look and be entirely better, in my opinion. If you need any more help, just message me and I'll be GLAD to help! I have many writing tips for you. But my comments above are a good way to start with this one. keep it up!
love,
Mikaela aka Layla

Platonic*

It was good but needs some work. It was really sweet though, good luck with the girl! ;D

Wow, just wow. I loved this. As I was reading it, I could feel the emotions surging through this poem. You are most definately a talented writer. There is no doubt about that.
ShadowPrincess16