Broken glass.

Well, Im not anything special when it comes to poetry, but this kept ringing in my head so I wrote it down. Getting some opinions.

Spoiler

When a mirror shatters
And a promise breaks
The land of ours
Hears and wakes
When the darkness
Of a shadow
Returns to
the evil hallow
My mind will fall
An endless pit
Somehow at the bottom
The monsters sit
I dream and dream
Wonder of a land
With forest leaves
And desert sand.
Who would have thought
That my soul
Is still breathing
It will not null
The shards of glass
Are at my neck
With broken promise
I’m a wreck.

Heya,
I really, really liked this. The emotions were there clearly, without the need of extravagant descriptions; it was nice and raw.
Your wording was good and the overall flow was consistent all the way to the end.
I especially liked your last line:

I’m a wreck.

But I think you should change it to "I am a wreck.", as it has more strength to it, more emphasis...if you see what I mean.

Other than that, capitalize your "T" in "the evil hallow" as you've capitalized every other first word.

But yeah, I enjoyed reading this, and in my opinion, you can write poetry pretty well.

Keep writing!
|Life|

I liked this poem, and the whole concept by far, there are a few things I would change if i were you thoe, could jsut be me cause I love poetry and I tend to be picky about it! and pardon my spelling errors! I'm a bad speller, adn this computer doesn't got spell check... Stupid school computers! any way, I liked the whole idea how you are comparing yourself, your life to a broken mirror, this really is me right now, the whole idea relates to how I feel lately.. anyway, this is not a reveiw about my lfie, rather a reveiw about your poem, and your form of poetry.

I'd seprate this poem into seprate parts and change a few of the words. Oh! and of cours, make some of the lines longer.. like so.

When a mirror shatters,
And a promise breaks,
The land of ours,
Hears and wakes,

When the darkness of a shadow,
Returns to the evil hallow,
My mind will fall into an endless pit,

Somehow at the bottom
The monsters still dream
in a wonder of a land
With forest leaves and desert sand

Who would have thought
That my soul still breaths
as the shards of glass
Are at my neck
With a broken promise
I’m a wreck.

There, this is everything I would change to make it more... aprochable? I don't know the propper word to use exactly, but that's all. . I love the idea, and the whol concept, and even the poetry it self! it runs smoothly with the version I edited, yours had a few "shards of glass" if I may put it Besides all that, this was a great poem. Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more of of it!

~masked poet

The overall concept of the poem is good. I like the images you incorporate in the piece, and your word choice compliments the poem pretty well, though it does have more potential.

One thing you may want to change is breaking up the poem into seperate pieces (or stanzas, if you will) and adding some punctuation (though surely not a comma after every line.. that gets frustrating at times). That gives the poem a better flow and it is generally more appealing to the reader's eye.

WritersUnleashed wrote:When a mirror shatters
And a promise breaks I like these lines a lot, though there should be a comma after "breaks"
The land of ours
Hears and wakes Add a period here... a semicolon might work too. This would also be a good spot to end your first stanza
When the darkness
Of a shadow This description is used quite a bit, but good lines regardless. You may want to consider combining them to form one line, with the next line saying "returns to the evil hallow" to continue the rhyme.
Returns to
the evil hallow
My mind will fall
An endless pit Again, make "my mind will fall [in/like/into] an endless pit" all one line.
Somehow at the bottom
The monsters sit "At the bottom the monsters sit" This line sort of contradicts the previous one.. I do get what you're trying to say, and I'd probably do the same thing in one of my poems, but other readers may not like it. Also, I think it's fitting to have these lines a little longer than the rest (this part seems to be a climax in the poem) but you may want to trim them up a bit so not to disturb the rest of the poem. End stanza here.
I dream and dream,
Wonder of a land, (and I like the Alice in Wonderland feel of this line :] When I read back over the poem, it sounds really cool.)
With forest leaves
And desert sand. End stanza
Who would have thought
That my soul I would consider adding a syllable to this line so that it's easier to tell that this is its own line. Also, once you separate it, the rhyme will be easier to notice.
Is still breathing add a semicolon
It will not null add a period, end stanza
The shards of glass
Are at my neck Yay for another semicolon!
With broken promisecomma!
I’m a wreck. aaand done. I disagree with the previous comment. "I'm a wreck" sounds just fine.

So. All together, it could (emphasis on could.. again, this is all just a suggestion) look something like this:

When a mirror shatters
and a promise breaks,
the land of ours
hears and wakes.

When the darkness of a shadow
returns to the evil hallow
my mind will fall in an endless pit
somehow at the bottom, monsters sit

I dream a dream,
wonder of a land,
with forest leaves
and desert sand.

Who would have thought
that my soul
is still breathing;
it will not null.

The shards of glass
Are at my neck;
with a broken promise,
I'm a wreck.


It sounds better when it's broken down into pieces, in my opinion, but how you choose to edit your poem is entirely up to you. There are still some rough spots that you may want to consider polishing so that the thoughts you're trying to convey come off a bit better, but other than that this is a really great piece. I apologize if I came off as harsh or anything - I really did enjoy reading this. Thanks for sharing your work, and keep writing!

Thank you all for the reviews/crits. They did really help. I guess Im a bit better of a poet than I thought.

Most of you guys were commenting on the flow (and were going in different directions sometimes), and I agree with you. I did originally have REALLY bad flow and I worked it into this, so I deffinatly get what you mean.

I think you properly used short lines without making the poem sound like BLEH!! (That probably doesn't make any sense...sorry) Also, I thought this was truly well done. I'm not very good with constructive reviews, more like an overview of the whole thing. You're a very good poet and you know how to write amazing poetry. Well done and keep writing!

Really beautiful, I loved the mood of it and other than a few areas it flowed really nicely. The imagry your words provocted in my mind were beautiful as well.

Xoxo - DraconiaxLesoto