Saying Something About Love

My pitiful attempt at poetry, aka an homage to a lack of inspiration/energy and a warding off of sleep. I could have been doing something productive in the whole couple of minutes this took, but instead I wrote this incredibly deep...thing in order to spam your feed--Er, submit something. Heh heh ^^' Go ahead and be brutal. It's to be expected.

I was certain by the way you looked at me,
It was true love.
The at first sight kind, too.
A magical, marvelous, mystical 
Moment of complete connection,
Eyes catching like stickers to pant legs
And holding like two magnets of opposite
Polarity.
I felt my heart thump, kick, rattle in my rib
Cage, a bird with a broken wing but excited into 
Action by hope.
My lips twitched to form a smile, and
My hand twitched at my side as if to raise and wave
And beckon you over.
Gazes that locked in a moment shivered and broke like
Tectonic plates that caught then lurched past 
One another with a rumbling burst of energy.
I felt that earthquake deep in my stomach. 
And then 
You started walking away. Back turned.
Spine straight.
My twitching hand became uncontrollably
Restless, and it flew up to my chest.
I could feel my heartbeat from beneath my shirt on my palm.
Fingers clenching, nails biting into my hot skin, 
I gripped the fabric as if to
Rip it from my body.
Maybe if I pulled hard enough, the skin, the muscle,
Any bone in the way would come off, too,
And blood would spill out onto the waxed, gray floors
And pool around my feet as the little broken bird 
Inside its cage was exposed.
It'd be easy then, I think, to 
Remove it all at once.
I watched your back retreat, could still recall
The unconscious warmth in your eyes as you had looked back.
Did you even know?
Did you feel all tingly and strange and
Marvelous, too?
I want to think you did. I want to think your heart
Kicked you from the inside and your breath caught 
Like a hangnail on a sweater sleeve and you saw that
Warmth in my eyes.
I want to think you fell in love with me at that moment,
Too.

Hello there! This isn't pitiful, it's actually quite good. There's some nice potential here A couple of scraps that need clearing away but you've got some great images and a wonderful way of swinging from one line of thought to the next.

I was certain by the way you looked at me,
It was true love.
The at first sight kind, too. [This line's a little hard to say and made me stumble a bit. Perhaps end the previous line with a comma and have something more like, 'first sight, first look, first love true love.']
A magical, marvelous, mystical
Moment of complete connection,
Eyes catching like stickers to pant legs [Love the stickers simile! Perhaps not to pant legs though, that undermines it a little, though it also adds some good old, ordinary realism so I'm split both ways.]
And holding like two magnets of opposite
Polarity.
I felt my heart thump, kick, rattle in my rib [I'd love to see you keep the connectivity up more! You go in and out of it at the moment so one moment it's great and then we have to run a little to catch up with you. Like here for example, I'd suggest:
And holding like two magnets; North and South
East, West. Right, Left
where I felt my heart thump, kick, rattle in my rib (or chest if you want to rhyme with west but then you'd need another line to get back to rib since that's one of your awesome connecters.)]
Cage, a bird with a broken wing but excited into
Action by hope.
My lips twitched to form a smile, and
My hand twitched at my side as if to raise and wave [Hmm. The repetition of twitched doesn't really add anythign here so I'd suggest using another adjective the second time.]
And beckon you over.
Gazes that locked in a moment shivered and broke like
Tectonic plates that caught then lurched past [Good image.]
One another with a rumbling burst of energy.
I felt that earthquake deep in my stomach.
And then
You started walking away. Back turned.
Spine straight.
My twitching hand became uncontrollably
Restless, and it flew up to my chest.
I could feel my heartbeat from beneath my shirt on my palm.
Fingers clenching, nails biting into my hot skin, [Mmm getting a little unoriginal and ordinary here.]
I gripped the fabric as if to
Rip it from my body.
Maybe if I pulled hard enough, the skin, the muscle,
Any bone in the way would come off, too,
And blood would spill out onto the waxed, gray floors [Good language here.]
And pool around my feet as the little broken bird
Inside its cage was exposed.
It'd be easy then, I think, to
Remove it all at once.
I watched your back retreat, could still recall
The unconscious warmth in your eyes as you had looked back.
Did you even know?
Did you feel all tingly and strange and
Marvelous, too? [I like the questions here. The language could maybe be spiced up a little but good flow of the poem, good content.]
I want to think you did. I want to think your heart
Kicked you from the inside and your breath caught
Like a hangnail on a sweater sleeve and you saw that
Warmth in my eyes.
I want to think you fell in love with me at that moment,
Too.

Overall, I liked it. I like the uncertainty of it and it's very easy to relate to. Some of the lines are very clear cut and fly quickly into each other with a lovely cross-over so try to mimic that throughout and I think you'll have a pretty awesome poem. Keep up the good work!

Heather xxx

Hey, how are you? I'm Jade by the way.
I also think that this poem is quite good. When I read your disclosure before the actual poem and then the first couple lines I thought, 'Ugh, not another whiny, love poem.' But I was pleasantly surprised.
I liked a lot of the images you presented, i.e. the hangnail on the sweater, bird with a broken wing...
However, I'm not sure how well the one about ripping your shirt and your skin and muscle and whatnot fits into this poem. Maybe I'm just squeamish but it was slightly graphic to think about and I'm not sure it adds anything to it.
Also, you might want to think about breaking the poem down into stanzas. To me it was just like one long paragraph without break. I'd suggest chopping it up a bit where you introduce a new idea.

This was a good read. Happy writing!

Hello!

One thing I really loved about this poem was the similes you used - they were brilliant. Very original, easy to relate to - it was them that set this poem apart from me. (ie - hangnails, stickers, tectonic plates ...). They were nicely thought out, and really worked within the internal dialogue of the poem.

I actually liked this without stanzas - it made it feel more like an internal dialogue than a poem, which definitely works within your theme. At times it did feel a little long, but I don't think that's due to the lack of stanzas.

One thing that may have made it feel a little long is the fact that I think you have a lot of unnecessary words within your poem. Now, I do like it as a sort of rambly poem, but at the same time I think you need to be a little more sparing with your words, because when you begin to repeat the smaller words then it begins to sound monotonous which you need to be careful about avoiding with this type of poem. So, just read it through and in places where a line is a little long or an unnecessary word is repeated then edit as you'd like.

Hope this helps!

-Amy