Shatter

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The streetlights stand cold against my eyes,
glazed with disinfectant and a hint of resentment
toward the way they tower above me like trees;
I can only howl with the wind at the very sight
of handprints littering the city or the sickening
crunch of bone-white snow beneath their feet
as they tread upon my fingers, huddled
against the breath of winter.

The sirens never stop hunting the lost,
never stop crying out against the still air before
they bring me down, arms shackled to arms
of a chair and lying to me through their teeth. Every hiss
twists my lungs and scrapes my cheek raw against
the ice, straight from the Devil's throat
and yes, I heard my name, twice said incorrectly,
twice in my chest and twice to me, directly

and I had no choice but to listen - I, I
couldn't stop the frost from crawling in my skin,
couldn't stop the whitewashed walls from caving in,
and the streetlights stand cold against the sky.
I'm inked in words they etched into my skull using
my own hands, shaking and ashamed, thrust
into my pockets. It makes no difference - the past
only echoes the future into avalanche - I resent
the trees shedding the fire from their branches,
taunting me from a darker world as I shiver
against the breath of winter.
Last edited by earendil on Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:07 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Your style of poetry is so unique, so beautifully crafted. I can't help but like this. You establish such a strong, emotional atmosphere. I have but a few small suggestions:

glazed with disinfectant and a hint of resentment


"Disinfectant" and "resentment" rhyme, and since obviously there is no rhyming pattern in the poem, this is not something you want.

as they trample my fingers, huddled


"Trample" stands out as a word that does not seem to fit with the feeling of this piece. Say instead "tread upon."

the ice, straight from the devil's throat


"Devil" should be capitalized.

That's all I have for you. Again, I absolutely loved this poem: the feeling, the word choice, the line breaks...it was all so perfect. Keep writing!
#TNT

WRFF




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So, I think I've seen this one before. But I love it.
Even when I'm reading something of yours anew, it still feels like I'm experiencing it, like it's going on right in front of me, and your imagery just blows me away. Really great emotions in here.

Some random thoughts:

glazed with disinfectant and a hint of resentment

The person above me said to change this line because it rhymes. I disagree. Personally, I'm a huge fan of little rhymes throughout pieces, as long as they don't interrupt your thoughts or dominate your words. This certainly didn't. This was more like a little phrase that just kind of went together perfectly, and it didn't leave me expecting more. So, I'd leave it, though it's of course really up to you.



the sickening
crunch of bone-white snow beneath their feet

I just love this. :)


against the ruthless breath of winter.

for some reason, the word "ruthless" here kind of bothers me. I don't know if it's because you have a lot of adjectives in this part and it gets to be a lot, or it just doesn't fit. But something is off for me.


couldn't stop the frost from crawling in my skin,
can't stop the whitewashed walls from caving in,

the switch from "couldn't" to "can't" feels weird to me. I don't know if it was intentional or not, though.




Overall: I love this. You style is always amazing, and you didn't disappoint with this one (you never do). Amazing imagery and emotional tones. Great piece. :)

-Coral-



The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone