Fantasy Flash Fiction

How's this for an opening to a novel? No idea where it will go.
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As the lightening flashed and the rains sliced down, as the clouds moaned and the thunder roared, as the moon lay tranquil in the sky and as the tribe watched, they fought.

It was ritual. Their damp cloaks of animal skins whirled around them as they danced each other's swords. Physically and mentally they were matched, but he knew he was more. He could feel it by the raindrops on his skin, by the cold in his bones and by the smouldering in his eyes. He was more. The gods, the spirit, karma...they would line up to kiss the ground beneath his feet.

He slew the other there, in the clearing atop the hill, with the tribe gathered for all to see. With the light in his father's eyes barely gone he slew his own brother, in the clearing atop the hill. The tribe was his. This ritual, the first of many, was done.

Okay, let me say, I really quite like this. I think it's an excellent opening. Now, I'm not the best of reviewers, so try and get a lot of others to review as well!

The Good

I think one of the "golden lines" in this short piece was this:

It was ritual.

That line was an excellent transition to the next part, and really hooked me in.
Another strong sentence was this:

He slew the other there, in the clearing atop the hill, with the tribe gathered for all to see.

Really good language.

The Bad

The main thing I noticed was this sentence:

As the lightening flashed and the rains sliced down, as the clouds moaned and the thunder roared, as the moon lay tranquil in the sky and as the tribe watched, they fought.

It is kind of long. I suggest splitting it up into other senteneces. For example, I'd say: "The lightning flashed and the rains sliced down. Clouds moaned and thunder roared as the moon lay ranquil in the sky. The tribe saw these things, and they saw them fight."
In my opinion, this leads into the later revelation that there are men fighting.
Also, when you say "...the gods, the spirit, the karma..." there is a slight problem. Why would a tribe from another world (I assume this, because this is fantasy) not only believe in that idea of balance, but also use the same name? I would insert a name that fit your type of story.

Other than that, this is a well-done piece. I'm glad to have read it and hope to see more!

Hey there Baboon! Thought I'd drop in for a review ...

ANate13 wrote:The main thing I noticed was this sentence: As the lightening flashed and the rains sliced down, as the clouds moaned and the thunder roared, as the moon lay tranquil in the sky and as the tribe watched, they fought.

It is kind of long. I suggest splitting it up into other senteneces.

I agree with Nate on this one.

Baboon wrote:As the lightening flashed and the rains sliced down, as the clouds moaned and the thunder roared, as the moon lay tranquil in the sky and as the tribe watched, they fought.

I don't quite get your train of thought. People usually describe things from top to bottom or bottom to top, so when you numerate things in a random order, in tends to nag at people. Ex: You mention lightning, rain, clouds, thunder and the moon. So if you go by a "dhronological" order, you'd mention the moon first, the clouds, the lightnin and thunder (both are pretty much at the same height), and then the rain. This is only my advice, but I'd strongly suggest you keep that in mind if you do plan on using it for a book.

Baboon wrote:Their damp cloaks of animal skins whirled around them as they danced around with each other's swords.

And that's pretty much all I have to say. I can't say I'm quite hooked on your idea as there wasn't enough for me to get hooked on. Having said that, PM me if ever you want me to review the novel of this

Very good description! I can just imagine everything,

Baboon wrote:
As the lightening flashed and the rains sliced down, as the clouds moaned and the thunder roared, as the moon lay tranquil in the sky and as the tribe watched, they fought. This sentence is really long. I think it's a run on. You should split it in to smaller sentences.

He could feel it by the raindrops on his skin, by the cold in his bones and by the smouldering in his eyes. He was more. The gods, the spirit, karma...they would line up to kiss the ground beneath his feet. "smouldering" should be "smoldering"

Great writing! I like the descriptions, they create a vivid picture. Can't wait to see more! Keep writing!

Hi Babs. Lavvi in to review.

This is a nice start to something that could be more. You have some great imagery here, too.

As the lightening flashed and the rainsrain sliced down, as the clouds moaned and the thunder roared, as the moon lay tranquil in the sky and as the tribe watched, they fought.

Yep, I'm talking about this sentence as well. For a beginning sentence, it shouldn't be too long. It feels like you just kind of jumped into the story at a random time because it's so lengthy of a start. Also, personally, I find you have too many "during" phrases. What I mean is your "as" phrases--there's too many of them. If you take one or two out, then the sentence won't be as lengthy. I could say you'd be killing two birds with one stone

It was a ritual.

Their damp cloaks of animal skins whirled around them as they danced each other's swords.

Focus on the italics. I found this part really awkward. It feel like you're missing a word here. Perhaps: as their swords danced with each other. Or something like it?

Nice start for a novel if that's what you decide to do with this.

Lavvi

Awesome opening for a novel!
I love the way you described everything, it made me wanna read further.
I really liked the ending too, harsh, but at the same time, beautiful.
I hope you're making a novel out of this!
Well done, and keep up the good work.