Painful Admittance

Absolutely brilliant. I love this piece; your diction is perfect for the poem, your thoughts are clear, and it has a great flow to it. I think in some places there are periods where perhaps a comma should be, or there's punctuation where it isn't necessarily needed... but in all honesty this is fine the way it is. I like your style of poetry - it's simply written, and yet at the same time it's able to fold and wrap and tie your thoughts together with a bow. In other words, it's a gift to read Thanks for sharing this, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Hi there:

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get to this. I just didn't really know what to say about it. I still don't. BUT, I'm going to try. Just to warn you though, this is probably gonna be awful.


Some parts of this poem seemed almost disconnected, like they made great stand-alone stanzas, but the concepts didn't really mesh as wonderfully as I'd like them to. I felt this most especially in the first and second stanzas. This part:

I will most ardently admit that
I love you;

felt almost abrupt to me. Which, I guess considering the context, isn't a terrible thing, but it mildly confused me for a moment.


Some of this felt a little too wordy to me. Now, don't think of my writing, or you'll realize what a complete hypocrite I'm being right now (because gosh darn it, I love words) but I would cut back on your wordiness.
For example, in this little passage:

Your
distress is absent in contrast
to my defeated admission.

I think that the reader would relate much more readily if you toned it down a little. Make it easy. Allow them to enter the emotion and the imagery. This use of language kind of keeps them at a distance; it's too objective. I can tell that you write non-fiction.
This took me a couple of read-throughs, which isn't really a common occurrence. To be perfectly honest, I usually read through something and review it based on my initial thoughts/emotion, and sometimes look back at the View thingy at the bottom. But I read this several times. It kind of went over my head at parts, but eventually, I think I caught everything.


I just wanted to throw in some lines that I really, really liked :

A memory built upon the diet
of priceless and countless emotions.

I really love the "built upon the diet" because while very logical, it almost carried some great imagery with it, and I'd never heard the phrase in this kind of context before.

from my shy soaked lips.

Awesome imagery- I love the originality and subtle connotations that just these couple of words bring; great job.





Okay, last thing: rhythm.
Now, the capitalization you used was a bit weird. I don't know if it was intentional, and if it was, feel free to dismiss the entire next paragraph.
It seemed to vary; sometimes, you would randomly capitalize the beginning of a line, and other times, you seemed to punctuate it as you would a paragraph or essay. I found the inconsistency a bit odd. Personally, I'm a fan of punctuation poetry like I would a paragraph, because I think it helps with the rhythm. But, some people like to capitalize every line; it really is a personal decision for you to make. I just wouldn't go in-between, because it can be pretty distracting.

Also, your use of commas was a bit off. There were some parts where they weren't necessary, and others where they were. Instead of going through this entire poem, I would recommend that you read this aloud and place them were you pause-- it really does help.



Overall, excellent job. I love the concept, and the end was fantastic. You have a nice command of language even if it gets wordy sometimes, and great originality. Wonderful job!

-Coral-

Hi BenFranks,

Alright, here's a rundown of what made me really cringe throughout this piece.

Line format. Yes, it may seem like a minor issue. However, when this demon lurks not only beyond the murky spurts of your words but envelops itself into the entirety, we have a problem. The centered format doesn't make any sense and serves no purpose but to - perhaps - adhere to some kind of "formalized" poetic writing that I vehemently disagree with. Having poems run in normal lines never hurt anyone, so don't try to shake the boat here. I should mention that of course this is a purely aesthetic and personal desire, and others may just as validly tell you otherwise, so take my opinion for only what it's worth and not one grain more.

In your poem itself, there are scores of welts that ruin what would be otherwise a decent piece. Your first lines stand out especially as ugly portents of that to come - three witches of the foreshadow. Life is full of truths and lies? There are good times and bad? Thanks. Writing like that is a job for Hallmark Corporation, not an aspiring poet.If your poem really is going to start with the pigskinned obvious being thrown around by your linebacker-sized figurative fist, then at least wrap it up in some kind of emotional or descriptive illusion. Easier to swallow.

I can't imagine reluctance and denial waving their heavy hands without first knowing what reluctance and denial are; right now, we don't have the foggiest of notions as to their physical descriptions, so showing them waving hands is pointless at best and distracting at worst.

Time
is the only observer
to frantically predict our destiny.
To unpick our
Swollen wounds of pain.
Time will be the only judge in
the delivery of that precious cliché
from my shy soaked lips.

Time is frantic? Time is eternal. The descriptions that you throw in here - judge, for example - portray it as anything but frantic. Call it solemn, or towering, or unwavering - but your juxtaposition of emotions pinned onto the personified Time doesn't work as it stands now.

Your
distress is absent in contrast
to my defeated admission.
Your choice is reluctant
to my spilling of truths.
Sympathy and guilt burns like
a fire in my gut
and my dry, unwilling lips form the
reassuring epode:

The last part of this above stanza maybe has some potential, but the first half needs to be shotgunned and buried immediately. It sounds like your narrator is experiencing tetanus, contracting himself into so many painful and hideous word twisters that he can't think straight. I don't want to hear about what "your distress" and "your choice" does. I want to hear what you do. You are the subject. Remain as such.

In general, this piece is about as rough as poems can get. There is some value here, yes; to make this poem better, however, require a dose editing medication so severe that I fear that you may end up killing your patient instead of healing him. Start with the smaller issues, such as line format and personification of certain entities (Time, denial, etc). Work your way up from there.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey Ben! Sorry, this is rather late, I've been kinda busy. On to the review!

Alright, so I read this through quite a few times to get the feel of the poem and I really liked the layout. I find that it's quite original and all your stanza's are generally the same length. I think that it seemed to work for this subject of poem. I also quite liked your sentences in the sense that they were kind of short and has lot's of stops- If you know what I mean. Sorry, this is really hard to explain.
Okay, so I guess what bugged me was how distance this poem said. I agree with the others in saying there was no real connection to the reader and the everything seemed quite distant. It was really general.
Erm, there wasn't really anything else which I particualrly disliked. I mean, you don't hsave that much imagery,, and it depends on your taste but generally, I like imagery. I kind of think that you used the right amount here, so well done!

Okay, this review was mega short- Sorry...

Keep Writing!
~Tamara
x

THIS IS TOTALLY NOT LATE OR ANYTHING.



To me, this stanza doesn't offer a particularly strong opening. It feels like you're trying to introduce a lot here (although obviously all centred around life), but you're adding in all of these different elements which, instead of capturing the broad theme of life, serves only to narrow it down to a few disconnected phrases that, to me, aren't powerful enough to exist on their own. I'd recommend building on a couple of them and therefore making it a stronger opening. Right now it's too disjointed and confusing to really introduce your poem in the best way possible, and even if the stanza weren't the opening I don't think it would work.

Yet
as the thoughts churn,
amongst my fragile logic,
I will most ardently admit that
I love you;
With more warmth and hope
than my heart could ever carry;
than my brain would ever know.

'Fragile logic' doesn't particularly fit well here. It's a nice phrase, sure, but one that needs a lot more development before it can really be a part of this stanza. Again, it feels like you want to introduce this fragility whilst also introducing the love and it doesn't work, because the nice idea of 'fragile logic' is immediately pushed aside in favour of the actual centre of the stanza. A powerful image like that should, I think, not be squeezed into a partially unrelated stanza.

The last three lines - do they really mean much? They seem a little empty, and whilst you're talking about feeling that doesn't sit well. I think what you're trying to get across is nice, but after re-reading it a few times I think you need to change the wording around here to make it simpler and more emotional - perhaps focus on the warmth and hope rather than adding in the last two lines?



The last three lines here are really nice, and very well written. The right amount of emotion, etcetera. However, where does 'swollen wounds of pain' really come into this? Again, there's no development so again, it seems like a disjointed and fragmented stanza. Perhaps it would be a good line if we actually knew what it was about, but right now it only detracts from the lovely ending.

I'm also note sure about your first three lines here - you're describing time as an 'observer', which sounds very passive, but then you move on to using 'frantically' and 'predict' which both have a greater level of involvement that you implied in the first line. I prefer the description of time as an observer.



Caressing? Not my favourite choice of word, although the alliteration has a nice effect.



I'm conflicted on these lines. I like the contrast between the two people, but I don't think it's well enough portrayed here. It feels like you're skirting around it and adding in some pretty word choices, whereas it would be a lot more effective if the lines were written in a direct manner.

--

The ending was lovely, really nice. Perfect, actually, after all of that build up. However, I think you really need to make the rest of your poem live up to that impact. At the moment, it's all over the place, and you need to gather your poem up and focus it a little more. I've said most of what I want to up there, but I really think you should work on this because I did really enjoy it! Not something that you usually see, it just needs a little work. The beginning is far too sporadic, and that needs to be changed.

Hope I helped, Benji!

BenFranks wrote,
Life:
Full of truths,
Lies and swindles;
Good times and bad.
A memory built upon the diet
of priceless and countless emotions.
Reluctance and denial
waving their heavy hands.

Yet
as the thoughts churn,
amongst my fragile logic,
I will most ardently admit that
I love you;
With more warmth and hope
than my heart could ever carry;
than my brain would ever know.

Time
is the only observer
to frantically predict our destiny.
To unpick our
Swollen wounds of pain.
Time will be the only judge in
the delivery of that precious cliché
from my shy soaked lips.

Others
will make offers, no doubt.
Cue the accelerating heartbeat of
the conflicts caressing your mind;
You breach nearer your choice.
You don’t say,
You can’t;
Words are dismayed by your silent breath
as the answer never comes.

Your
distress is absent in contrast
to my defeated admission.
Your choice is reluctant
to my spilling of truths.
Sympathy and guilt burns like
a fire in my gut
and my dry, unwilling lips form the
reassuring epode:

I mumble
“Take your time.”


I wrote, WOW.

This poem is extremely good, and you did everything right. The grammar and spelling were perfect, you sensory imagery was crisp and clear, and your thoughts are extremely clear and readable. Great job.

I like this, Its structure is good and well thought out and the detail is fabulous. Its different.
I can also tell you spent a great deal of time on it as the detail is amazing and kept me hooked till the end, I felt like I was part of it. It was just beautiful.
I especially liked:

Yet
as the thoughts churn,
amongst my fragile logic,
I will most ardently admit that
I love you;
With more warmth and hope
than my heart could ever carry;
than my brain would ever know.

Really enjoyable.
Overall a gorgeous piece and I look forward to reading more.
Well done!

I liked this poem somewhat, but agreeing with other comments the line format is a bit weird and stops the natural flow of the poem. It made me think it was weird and in some places it did seem disconnected in some places, in most places actually, to me. I could see this poem going somewhere with editing, but it seems like a third party wrote this out of boredom rather than by being inspired. That seems a bit much to say because the wording was good and it made sense, but subtle emotional tones make a big difference in this type of poetry.