Colors

Colors

Spoiler

This is my own little version of Regina Spektor's The Calculation.

I went into the kitchen counter
got myself another hour
and gave half of it to you.

I sat there looking at the detail in the color,
thinking life would be much duller
without the sparkle in your eyes.

I got a piece of paper
bought a million little crayons
and spent eons
in your eyes.

You are the colors in my mind.
But I don't mind,
I don't know better.

I didn't know that you were so full of color.
I didn't know that you were so sculptural.
I didn't know that you were so beautiful.

Hey these colors, these colors are bursting in my mind.
Hey these colors, these colors are burning inside.
Hey these colors, these colors I can't describe.

I thought I drew inside the lines
hoping that I'd be just fine
with the way I drew your slightly crooked smile.

You are the colors in my mind.
But I don't mind,
I don't know better.

I didn't know that you were so full of color.
I didn't know that you were so sculptural
I didn't know that you were so wonderful

I finished up your picture
and now your face was a fixture
and I taped it to my wall.
So the emptiness might be stalled.
So every morning (without warning)
I see your picture
So I can keep you prisoner.
And the colors
remind me of when we were youngsters
laughing together.
When fear and responsibility was light as a feather.

Hey these colors, these colors are bursting in my mind.
Hey these colors, these colors are burning inside.
Hey these colors, these colors I can't define.

I went into the kitchen counter
got myself another hour
and gave half of it to you.

And the colors in my mind
I just can't find
in your eyes.

lovethelifeulive wrote:Colors

I went into the kitchen counter
got myself another hour
and gave half of it to you.Love this

I sat there looking at the detail in the color,
thinking life would be much duller
without the sparkle in your eyes.

I got a piece of paper
bought a million little crayons
and spent eons in your eyes.

You are the colors in my mind.
But I don't mind,
I don't know better.

I didn't know that you were so full of color.
I didn't know that you were so beautiful.
I didn't know that you were so so hey hey hey.

Hey these colors, these colors are bursting in my mind.
Hey these colors, these colors are burning inside.
Hey these colors, these colors I can't describe.

I thought I drew inside the lines
hoping that I'd be just find
with the way I drew your slightly crooked smile.

You are the colors in my mind.
But I don't mind,
I don't know better.

I didn't know that you were so full of color.
I didn't know that you were so wonderful.
I didn't know that you were so so hey hey hey.

I finished up your picture
and I taped it to my wall.
So every morning (without warning)
I see your picture...
And the colors are so so hey hey hey.

Hey these colors, these colors are bursting in my mind.
Hey these colors, these colors are burning inside.
Hey these colors, these colors I can't define.

I went into the kitchen counter
got myself another hour
and gave half of it to you.

And the colors in my mind
I just can't find them??
in your eyes.

Alrighty so I love this I love the format, the vocabulary and all that 'color' thing is awesome. The only thing that I would change, of course, is the rhyming. When I started to read this, I was like 'YAY rhyming!' I loved the rhythm it gave the piece and the whole feel of it, it was just perfect. Then you dropped it... and I was so deceived. It doesn't take all that much away but still, it would have been the cherry on top
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

I really liked this poem Your use of language is incredibly well-developed, in my opinion. The only thing that gets me is the hey-hey-hey part. It sounds more like you're writing song lyrics than a poem.

I enjoyed reading this, but I've got to agree with Paul. Is this a song? Or is it a poem? It seems like it is something in between. The thing that really confused me was the rhyming. You seemed to drop it late in the poem. I love the rhyming pattern, so I would suggest modifying these last stanzas to follow it.

I like this poem. the others have already said the things I would of said.Keep writing!

Ok, seeing as I wrote a different version of your other poem, I guess I'll do that with all of your poems... so here I go.

"Confusing confusing confusing

Colors everywhere....

random words....

uh.... dont know what to say...."

Get the point? this poem was kinda confusing, but it was a good one. Now go write another poem about your life right now, so that I can actually relate to it and write a different version!

CassidyRose

This is a good poem with a great idea supporting it. A lot of people already said what I would say, so I can't really say much. This is a great poem and your imagery was as good as the plot and you did everything right. Keep up the good work.

Tyler

Hello for the third time! xD

Right off the bat, I can tell you that I honestly enjoyed this piece. The rhyme scheme didn't seem absolutely ridiculous to me (actually, it didn't really seem like there was one at all ) and it flowed so easily. Your descriptions weren't full of forced rhyming (resulting in clichés and lines that don't make any sense. )

I'm not going to spend very much time at all on negatives and nitpicks, and rather pick out the bits that I liked the most. I'll save the negatives (which there are fewer of) for later.

lovethelifeulive wrote:I went into the kitchen counter
got myself another hour
and gave half of it to you.

The very first stanza of this was really quite enjoyable. No annoying forced rhymes (have I mentioned that all ready? Hm), a decent flow and fairly fresh imagery. It was a good start, so props.

Okay, since I sort of went heavy on quotes on my last review, I'll try to avoid them as much as possible here. I'll just say that I loved the concept and found the entire poem to be enjoyable... as I've said all ready.

However, I think that I do need to find little bits and pieces that I wasn't quite as okay with. (For the sake of not repeating myself over and over, and just because if I review, I must nitpick.)

lovethelifeulive wrote:So every morning (without warning)
I see your picture
So I can keep you prisoner.

Really, here I just didn't like the brackets. The rest of the piece didn't really have a distinguishable rhyme scheme, and that bit really caught me off-guard. The next bit... the whole prisoner thing just seemed cliché to me.

Otherwise, I'm going to leave this as is. xD

Sorry to cut this so short.
Keep writing!

~~Cass