A Single Second Chance

I am not very proud of this poem, but I figured I would post it to get suggestions. So go ahead and judge harshly.

Light screams from your eyes,
a bittersweet pain.
I stare awhile,
stunned, unable to speak.
A single flake of snow
lands on your lip .
A single tear slips.
You turn away.
I can see your hands clenched,
as you walk away.
This, a moment I will not forget.
A single moment.
that changed my life.
My downfall.
Words in my head collide,
like two trains destine for hell.
What is there without you?
Wait! I yell,
my tears falling for you.
You turn, and look back at me.
A single second chance.

Oh, beautiful. Crafted with the finest words. Consider my suggestions:

Light screams from your eyes,

"Light?" Hmm. Somehow I cannot picture this. Replace it with an emotion; a strong one, like "venom" or "animosity."

This, a moment i will not forget.

Okay, first of all, "I" should be capitalized. Secondly, "a moment I will not forget" is not the most original thing ever. Try something more meaningful.

What is there with out you?

"Without" is one word.

I simply love how the poem leaves off at a point of hope, not at a point of resolve. I'm glad that you posted this, even though it was not your favorite.

You have no reason to not be proud of this poem. It's actually quite good. I'm not much of a poetry buff, but I really did enjoy this

Two thumbs up Or, smiley, I guess.

Love it!! The ending brought it all together, made it so sweet and cute. I will now review.

Light screams from your eyes,I would use another word in place of screams. It just gives me a weird mental picture...
a bittersweet pain.Good line, bittersweet was the perfect word to use there.
I stare awhile,
stunned, unable to speak.Love it!
A single flake of snow
lands on your lip . Any reason for the space before the period?
A single tear slips.The other person is crying, right? Or are you the one crying? Make it more clear.
You turn away.I like the short sentences, it makes a feeling of slowness and hesitance. (If that's a word..)
I can see your hands clenched, Maybe just clench would sound better.
as you walk away.
This, a moment I will not forget.
A single moment. No period here, just leave it with no punctuation.
that changed my life.
My downfall. Sad.
Words in my head collide,
like two trains destine for hell.Destined.
What is there without you?I love this line!
Wait! I yell,
my tears falling for you.
You turn, and look back at me.
A single second chance.Great ending.

Really, I have no clue why you aren't proud of this. I think it's great. Anyway, I hope my review helped. Keep writing!!

Boolovesyou wrote:Light screams from your eyes, I can tell that you're trying to add some imagery here, but I don't think 'screams' is the right word to use. Maybe you could say shines or something along those lines.
a bittersweet pain.
I stared awhile, You use past tense later on in this poem so you should change stare to stared.
stunned, unable to speak.
A single flake of snow
lands on your lip. Nice imagery!
A single tear slips.
You turn away.
I can see your hands clenched,
as you walk away. Again, good job with the imagery!
This, a moment I will not forget- I feel you should add a dash here because the next line should really be linked into this one. That's just my opinion.
A a single moment.
that changed my life and led to
My my downfall. I feel like when you just have the words 'my downfall' here, you are adding onto what you said in the line before it. It seems as though you were saying, it changed my life and my downfall. Make sense?
Words in my head collide,
like two trains destined for hell.
What is there without you?
Wait! I yell,
my tears falling for you.
You turn, and look back at me.
A single second chance.

Overall this is a good poem. You put a lot of emotion into this and you have some great imagery. I hope my review was helpful! Keep writing!