Minos - chapter 1

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Hey,
This is my first real try at writing a novel, so please, any feedback or reviews I would be very gratefull.
Please tell me what you think

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Chapter 1

The last of the evening wind whipped up leaves on the forest floor, pulling them up into a final triumphant swirl, rising higher and higher towards the tree tops, only to fall, only moments away from the spindly, and tumble down, back to the earth, where they rested, waiting for a foot or scurry of tiny paws to brush them aside into the undergrowth.

Bártak-Duk reached the edge of the clearing at just after sunset, his fishing line slung across his shoulder like a soldier, his pace quickening, as he came into sight of the camp. A bustle of tents and people weaved around the clearing, generating a gentle hubbub of chatter as the night began to draw in. He could smell the rich aroma of a meaty stew as he drew near, it wafted across the campsite, drawing people into its embrace. A shout was called, and the various activities people where performing ceased. They began to return to the camp centre, drawn in by the aroma and the glow of the large fire in the middle; its glow illuminating the faces of the people.

There were three long tree trunks placed around the fire, just enough to seat the twenty or so people clustered in the little clearing, and they were soon occupied. When everyone was seated, the Tokrakc; their leader, wrapped in cloak coloured dark silver stepped forward, his shaggy main of hair obscuring much of his face from view. He began to speak, in a soft, yet loud voice, his words ringing for all to hear:
‘We have made it far further than we could possibly have imagined! We are now so close to reaching our homeland. All those long months ago, we sat, much as we are now, dreaming of a place where we could prosper and live in peace, safe from persecution.’

He paused now, his face sweeping the crowd in expectance of a response, but none came, for they were all to engrossed in his words, which still echoed around the clearing. He breathed deeply, pulling himself upright, and continued.

‘Well, it is for me to say, we are within a few miles of our dream. A place of sanctuary for our families, away from the Humans who have hunted us and killed us. A place to start our lives again!’

A loud cheer erupted from the listeners, their joy expressed in a great cheer as they realised that their dreams, the hopes they had been pursuing all of their lives, where within a whisper.

‘Tonight, we shall celebrate, we shall drink and dance. And tomorrow, we shall march forth and return to our home!’



High up, concealed behind the protection of the tree line, the three men looked down at the clearing with murder in their eyes. The three were lying, flat on their stomach’s, just inches from the edge of the tree cover, their hands resting on the pommels of their swords as they watched the Tokrakc deliver his message.

‘Listen to them.’ The youngest of the men said. He was barely into his twenties, with little military experience; he was of a noble class, given the post of Captain by the state, and extremely pompous.

‘Pathetic scum’ he scorned, ‘They have no place in our society; they breed like roaches and have no respect for their betters.’

The middle aged man was inclined to agree, although not to the extent that his comrade made out.

‘Yes Lutatus.’ He nodded, ‘But they are different to us, they are different in so many ways, so much so that we could say we don’t truly understand them.’

The young Captain snorted in disillusion, but was cut off by the firm voice of the eldest man, the commander of the fifty or so men straddled back some fifty yards behind them.

‘Cut it out Captain.’ He grumbled, turning at once back to his favourite of the two, Marcellus.

‘If we are to trap and kill them all, then we will need to pincer them from both sides.’ He muttered, ‘I want you, Marcellus, to take twenty five of the men, around the campsite and into the woodland on the other side. You will await my signal, and they we shall begin the attack from two sides.’ He paused. ‘They won’t know what’s him them.’

Anger flared in Lutatus’ eyes, although he did not show it to his commander. He was the nobler of the two captains. Why had he not been chosen for the task? Resentment filled his heart and he knew he would get his revenge one day.

‘Yes sir, of course sir.’ Marcellus replied, hiding his obvious pleasure from Lutatus.

‘Then get to it!’ The commander grumbled, getting himself to his feet, and retreating a few steps into the woodland.

As he returned to his men, the commander reflected upon what his two sparing captains. Some of what Marcellus had said was indeed true. Soon after his crowning four centuries earlier, King Tyros, the ruler of the human kingdoms, had moved swiftly to persecute the ‘vermin’ who shared the land with his people. He claimed they were monsters, that there very nature made them dangerous and cruel.

Yet the commander remembered a time, before it all when, as a boy, he had played on his father’s farm with his friends, some of whom had been Minos. How odd it was now, some fifty years on, that he should be fighting a war against them.



Down in the clearing, the campers where oblivious to the threat hanging just out of sight. Bártak, still sitting on the end of one of the trunks, smiled as he watched the dancers. His thoughts turned to that of his people’s plight, for which he felt a deep embedded anger. The Minos had been peace loving folk, at one time living in total harmony with humans. They had been farmers, great craftsmen of armour and weapons – yet peaceful and loving, and they did not deserve the fate that had been placed upon them.

‘Bártak! Come, dance with us!’ Came a shout from a group of children his own age. There were four of them, two boys and two girls, all around fifteen years old; they would reach adulthood in only a year’s time. The boys had already begun to grow their horns, though at the moment they where little more than stumps. In a year’s time, they would be a just over three feet long.

The Minos did not completely resemble humans. They had heads that resembled that of a bull, but more pulled upwards, with usually a crop of black hair that drapped down between the two curving horns that protruded out from the head, curving upwards and then back towards the head, like two semi circles. Their bodies where powerfully build, stronger than that of a man, their arms long with long thin fingers, ideal for rapping around their favourite weapon’s, the spear. The legs were also long, lean and muscular, stretching down towards flat hooves at the bottom, and they were quick. The Minos where known for their speed and their agility, they could run a mile far faster than a man, and their great reserves of stamina meant that they could run for long distances undeterred by tiredness or fatigue.

But this night, they were vulnerable. They were not expecting an attack, and whilst they were happy and celebrating their new found freedom, they left themselves exposed.

Bártak joined his friends, just as the first arrow pierced the chest of a merry dancer, who had strayed away from the centre of the party. For a moment there was complete silence, the music stopped, the wind died down, and the owls didn’t hoot. And then came the plunge. Screams raked the air as the humans crashed down into the clearing, attacking the unprotected flanks of the Minos before they could react...
Last edited by crazyhippo on Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I definitely love the idea for this.

Now, I'm not very picky about grammar so I won't delve to deeply into that. I really only have a comment about repetitive wording.

"There were four of them, two boys and two girls, all around fifteen years old; they would reach adulthood in only a year’s time. The boys had already begun to grow their horns, though at the moment they where(should be were) little more than stumps. In a year’s time, they would be a just over three feet long."

That was the only spot I really noticed it. I would suggest simply shuffling a few words about.

Ex:
"There were four of them, two boys and two girl, all around fifteen years old. The boys had already begun to grow their horns, though at the moment they were little more than stumps. In a year's time they would reach adulthood and their horns would be just over three feet long."

Considering you'll likely have more comments than you can handle dealing with grammar, I won't pester you anymore about it. The only other part I had an issue with was the ending of the chapter. It doesn't really feel finished.

Moving on...
I love the idea, especially since I love Greek mythology. One of my favourites is the story of King Minos and the minotaur. You write well and I hope to be reading more of this soon! :)
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Thanks for the review ElementalBlood, I can see what you mean by the repetative wording, I'll take a look at that.
Also, the end of the chapter was quite difficult to write, as I wasn't sure just how to end it. I'll have a read over and edit it, so hopefully I can get the ending sounding abit better.

Anyway, thanks very much for the review.




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Quite an interesting concept. I have often toyed around with the idea of another race of human-like beings inhabiting the earth that existed a bit longer than the neanderthals did. But this pretty cool that you have decided to integrate it with Greek Mythology (Minotaurs :D).

One thing that I picked up is that there weren't a great deal of descriptive wording and/or similes etc. Overall you did give me the picture of a bunch of Minotaurs dancing in a heavily wooded dark forest so it is still fairly well described. Go through a dictionary, pluck out relevant words, expand your vocab.

Another thing I liked about this chapter is the parallels it contained with the racism and racist societies in the modern and ancient world. It is intriguing the general banter that goes on between the soldiers overlooking before the attack on how they are to be killed because they are a different race.

All in all it is a very interesting and intriguing idea and I will be definitely following this story's progression.




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Thanks for your thoughts HMASNameless.

I do indeed need to work on my vocabulary abit, and I hope to be able to improve that side of it as I progress through the story.

It's great to hear that you thought it was intriguing, It was interesting to write about the racist remarks that the soldiers make, especially Lutatus, who I am already developing a dislike for!

Nice to know you enjoyed it, and thanks for following! :)




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Okay so I know you requested a review for chapter five, but in my rules, I state that I will review every chapter up till chapter five as well... so I hope this isn't too grave-diggish for you? D: Sorry if otherwise. If you don't need it, I'll easily delete the post.

The last of the evening wind whipped up leaves on the forest floor, pulling them up into a final triumphant swirl, rising higher and higher towards the tree tops, only to fall, only moments away from the spindly, and tumble down, back to the earth, where they rested, waiting for a foot or scurry of tiny paws to brush them aside into the undergrowth.


I adore this kind of description, but, unfortunately, its a run-on. When starting a novel, you want to start off with something that'll really get your reader into it so I'll give you an example of how you can reword this, mkay? :)

example; The last of the evening's wind whipped up the leaves on the forest floor, pulling them up into a final triumphant swirl. They rised higher and higher towards the tree tops before plummeting back down to earth in that graceful, uncontrollable dance. There they would rest, waiting for a foot or scurry of tiny paws to brush them up from the undergrowth.

Bártak-Duk reached the edge of the clearing at just after sunset, his fishing line slung across his shoulder like a soldier, his pace quickening, as he came into sight of the camp.


Okay, you throw in a lot of commas, some even coming close to being spliced. You don't need to elongate sentences out this long with connective words. Periods shouldn't have to be your enemy. So, if I were you, would put a period behind soldier then reword the second part to accomadate such a change.

He could smell the rich aroma of a meaty stew as he drew near, it wafted across the campsite, drawing people into its embrace.


This comma is specifically spliced. Change it to a period or a semicolon.

They began to return to the camp centre, drawn in by the aroma and the glow of the large fire in the middle; its glow illuminating the faces of the people.


Firstly, improper use of a semicolon. That could easily be a comma, though I wouldn't necessary want you to add many more commas into this piece.

Secondly, you use the word aroma twice in one paragraph which creates a redundancy in which I'm sure you dont want. So maybe key in aroma into an internet thesaurus and replace.

When everyone was seated, the Tokrakc; their leader, wrapped in cloak coloured dark silver stepped forward, his shaggy main of hair obscuring much of his face from view. He began to speak, in a soft, yet loud voice, his words ringing for all to hear:
‘We have made it far further than we could possibly have imagined! We are now so close to reaching our homeland. All those long months ago, we sat, much as we are now, dreaming of a place where we could prosper and live in peace, safe from persecution.’


There is one thing, if anything, that I am known for, and its my punctuation nazism.

Change the first semicolon to a dash. Put the second dash behind 'silver'. That will mean its an inner thought or a note of which the narrator may add in about your character. If you use a semicolon here, it would be improper.

Secondly 'soft yet loud' doesn't make any sense.

Thirdly, never use a full colon unless you are trying to show some form of listing such as;

These are things you need to pick up at the grocery store: Onions, pickles, tomatoes... etc.

There are no other uses for full colons, hence why you never see them in literature. Change it to a period and save me the agony.

fourthly(?), your wording is static. As a reader, we don't need to know the specifics right off the bat. Your characters already know everything so repeating them again would be ridiculous. Because he says 'we are so close to our homeland', it's pretty much stating an obvious that does not need to be stated.

So take homeland out completely. So close is good enough and it gives a nice subtle touch so it keeps th reader fascinated.

‘Well, it is for me to say, we are within a few miles of our dream. A place of sanctuary for our families, away from the Humans who have hunted us and killed us. A place to start our lives again!’


Again, you are stating the obvious of what they already know. We don't need to know this yet. As a narrator, you could easily explain this to use without having to throw it into conversation, making it sound flat and static-like.

A loud cheer erupted from the listeners, their joy expressed in a great cheer as they realised that their dreams, the hopes they had been pursuing all of their lives, where within a whisper.


I'm pretty sure they already get this?

That and you use the word cheer twice in this sentence. You are starting to repeat yourself especially with words like 'dreams' and whatnot.

‘Tonight, we shall celebrate, we shall drink and dance.


Spliced comma. The second one, that is.

High up, concealed behind the protection of the tree line, the three men looked down at the clearing with murder in their eyes. The three were lying, flat on their stomach’s, just inches from the edge of the tree cover, their hands resting on the pommels of their swords as they watched the Tokrakc deliver his message.


Firstly, you say 'the three' twice. Thats not necessary. Secondly, change pommel to hilt.

The youngest of the men said. He was barely into his twenties, with little military experience; he was of a noble class, given the post of Captain by the state, and extremely pompous.


Ill-use of a semicolon. Change it to a period.

‘Listen to them.’ ‘Pathetic scum’ he scorned, ‘They have no place in our society; they breed like roaches and have no respect for their betters.’


Combine the first piece of dialogue with the second. It should be; 'Listen to them. Pathetic scum,'. Secondly, you are now overusing semicolons. Periods should not be your enemy.

‘But they are different to us, they are different in so many ways, so much so that we could say we don’t truly understand them.’


Static. That and the first comma is spliced.

the commander of the fifty or so men straddled back some fifty yards behind them.


Fifty and fifty...? Really? That and straddled is a little bit of a weird word here. Maybe situated would be better.

He grumbled, turning at once back to his favourite of the two, Marcellus.


Second comma is spliced. This would be a good time for a semicolon.

I want you, Marcellus, to take twenty five of the men, around the campsite and into the woodland on the other side.


Second comma isn't necessary. It adds in an unwanted pause.

‘ You will await my signal, and they we shall begin the attack from two sides.’


We already get this. You don't need to tell us.

‘They won’t know what’s him them.’


Him should be hit.

Resentment filled his heart and he knew he would get his revenge one day.


This is silly. I would take out the 'he would get his revenge one day'. It sounds kind of juvenile and childish, like a cliched fairytale sort of talk.

‘Yes sir, of course sir


Spliced comma.

As he returned to his men, the commander reflected upon what his two sparing captains.


You stop this sentence before we know what you were trying to get across. It just ends kind of in the middle of it all.

some fifty years on


And more on the whole 'fifty'. Maybe think of a different number?

Overall:

You have an interesting plotline coming through, but not only are you rushing. You're explaining far too much too quickly whilst making dialogue static. That and your structure needs quite a bit of work.

Firstly, I woul like to note upon your punctuation. You use semicolons where they shouldn't be used and you elongate your sentences to a point where they become run-ons. That being said, your writing, which does have beautiful aspects in certain areas, seems a little silly and juvenile. These things could be easily caught if reread.

Seondly, your dialogue is... static.

You give us a lot of information, as if everything that is said is to benefit the reader and not the people in the story. Dialogue, if anything, is supposed to be used as a way of deepening character whilst moving the plot in a more interesting way. What you threw across is mostly what you think will benefit someone who doesn't understand whats going on.

But we don't need to understand right away. Thats the catch. Thats what gets a reader into a story is by making them try to figure things out for themselves. They'll piece it all together without you having to sit there and explain it so bluntly.

So, you need to work on your structure. You have interesting plot and interesting description, but your structure is lacking. Get the skeleton of this piece strong and mighty before you start jumping around with everything you think needs to be there.

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Aaah! massive long review!

Bit seriously, thank you so much Dreamwalker, I appreciate every bit of feedback I can get on my work. Thanks for pointing out quite a few things I've overlooked! :D



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