The Hollywood Story

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“Loser,” Spencer told her. Spencer always called her bad names like that, but Loser was no match to Freckle Head. Chelsea walked away in quick tiny steps screeching the floor. She has learned to not take Spencer and her crew's comments too seriously, but lately it has bothered her.
Spencer and Chelsea used to be best friends in third grade. They had done everything together. But, in sixth grade, Spencer joined a new group of girls and got the power of being the most popular girl in the school. That was when Spencer started being mean to Chelsea. Chelsea called her every day to hang out, but she always said no. Then, the names started to come up. Spencer started to get meaner and meaner every day, and once and for all Chelsea stopped talking to her. Every since, Spencer and Chelsea have been rivals.
Chelsea opened the bathroom door with a huff and a bang, and walked over to the mirror. She never thought of herself as pretty, with long black hair about to her stomach, braces, and round glasses. She always wore her hair in a bun on the top of her head, and her face had freckles all over her nose. She always wore her favorite sweatshirt and a lime green tank top, with polyester pants and brown tennis shoes. Most people in her school always made fun of her clothing, like the red baseball hat that sits on top of her head like a bird on a branch. But, under maybe a not so beautiful girl, was an amazingly talented woman.
Chelsea walked up the steps to her school with high hopes of becoming the lead in the school play. The only problem to her thoughts were that Spencer and Chelsea were trying out for the same role in the play, the lead. Chelsea opened the big doors into her school and walked straight to the auditorium to try out. When she walked in she couldn't believe her eyes. There was about 200 people trying out for the play too, and that included Jason Filler, who was trying out for the boys lead. Suddenly, fear came over her, and she thought she couldn't do it anymore. Instead of walking out, she walked into onto the stage and did her audition perfectly.
When Chelsea got to school the next day, there was a group of students surrounding the news board. Chelsea didn't want to go into the group, because she was too afraid of what she was going to see. All the sudden, a boy tapped her on the shoulder. It was Jason Filler.
“Hey Chelsea, congratulations on the role! I'm the lead too, so I guess we are going to be spending a lot of time together, huh?” He told her.
“Um, what?” She asked him. Chelsea was in disbelief. 'People have done this to me before', she thought. 'They have lied to me to make my feel bad.' Chelsea told him that she would be right back and joined the mob of people. She swished and squirmed through so many people she thought that she was going to stop breathing. Finally, she got to what was on the board. It was the cast list for the play. At the top it said Female Lead, and next to that her her own name. She couldn't believe it. For the next three months, Chelsea, Jason, and all the other cast members spent every day with each other after school, practicing for the play. Finally, it was the night of the show.
Chelsea's stomach was in a bunch of knots and butterflies. She was so scared she was going to mess up, even though she knew her lines and moves by heart. After all of her hair and makeup was done, Chelsea had a quick look at the audience. She peeked her head through the big red curtain and looked around the audience. But, it only made her worries worse. There were so many people watching her act! And then she looked in the front. Martin Miller was talking to her parents.
After the show was over, Chelsea's parents and Martin Miller came to congratulate her on the perfect performance.
“Amazing job honey!” He mother said with enthusiasm.
“You did so well!” Her father told her. And then,it was Martin Miller's turn to talk.
“Well, Chelsea, you did an excellent job! As you probably know, I have managed many famous people and they have gone very far. I think that you have the potential to be like them. I wanted to ask you if maybe you would like to come to Hollywood to meet my people and learn about what it could be like being on one of the most famous television shows in the world. So, would you like to?” He asked her.
Chelsea was in awe. She couldn't believe that Martin Miller was standing next to her. She couldn't believe that Martin Miller wanted to put her on TV. She couldn't believe that Martin Miller wanted to be her manager. She couldn't believe that anything was happening right now.
“Yes!” She screamed to Martin. But, her parents gave her a worried look. “Mom, dad, this is a huge opportunity...” She started to tell he parents.
“Chelsea, we already said yes!” Her mother told her. Chelsea was extremely happy. She couldn't believe she was going to get famous! She couldn't wait to see the look on all the girls and boys faces at her school when she's on TV, especially Spencer and her crew! When Chelsea walked into school the next day, everything was different.
Chelsea skipped down the hall with joy. Everyone was crowding around her and asking for her autograph, following her, and asking if she wanted to hang out... except for Spencer and her crew. Spencer and her crew always tried to stay the most out of her way. Chelsea guessed they were jealous, so she stayed away from them.
Chelsea was so flattered by all the attention she had been getting. The school had even put a congratulations in the announcements! Chelsea couldn't have been happier. At the end of the day, she had to go to Hollywood. She went to her locker with all the people surrounding her like Justin Bieber coming to the mall. She packed up everything in her locker and walked out of the big steps. As she was walking, she looked back at her school saying her goodbyes to all of her new friends and walked into a limo to get to Hollywood, California.

To be continued...
Last edited by lacy1321 on Wed Jan 26, 2011 5:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey lacy!

This is short but sweet, it has quite a fairytalish quality to it. A few things to pick on though.

Names
You use names a lot, in the beginning especially. I counted 28 uses of 'Chelsea' which, in an app 1000 word story, is way too much. I won't try counting the others. The constant repitition makes reading the story harder, and gets quite annoying to your reader. To avoid this you can just combine sentences that talk about the same person, or buff out the story more by adding description.

Narration
It's all very narrative. One thing happens, then another. I would say in this piece it works, but in a longer piece, like a novella, you wouldn't be able to keep up this style. It would be nice to have a bit more description, a more vivid image of what Chealsea looks like, things like that. Little phrases can have big effects when working on short stories.

Hope this helps, keep writing.
We were born to be amazing.



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