Mother

Mother, Do you know what I see in you?
A book, a broach, a pearl or shoe?
I see myself through your eyes,
When you close them, I close mine.

I lie, I lie! I rob and steal!
Grasping onto what isn’t real.
Don’t forget young minds recall,
Did you always catch me? Did I fall?

Mother, Mother, Mary look!
The priest he came, your soul he took.
I bow my head and pray for you,
I know, I know, it will not do!

Mother Mother, you sit and cry,
Did he save you, did he try?
I see your shame, your guilt and pride.
It recognises the ghost I hide.

I wish, I wish, it never died.
Oh was it ever, really alive?

This was a good read. You do a fairly good job with the rhyming, which I will soon discuss.

popatemyheart1994 wrote:Mother, Do do you know what I see in you?
A book, a broach, a diamond or shoe? This line really did not agree with me. I understand that you were trying to maintain the rhyme, but honestly, I would change this.
I see myself through your eyes,
When you close them, I close mine.

I lie, I lie! I rob and steal!
Grasping onto what isn’t real.
Don’t forget young minds recall,
Did you always catch me? Did I fall?

Mother, Mother, Mary look!
Was Jesus as sinless as he looked? Okay, this is where the rhyming sounds strange. Do "look" and "looked" rhyme?
I bow my head and say my prayers,
I whisper, chanting silly prayers Same thing here.

Mother Mother, you sit and cry,
Did he save you, did he try?
I see your shame, your guilt and pride.
It recognises the ghost I hide.

I wish, I wish, it never died.
Oh was it ever, really alive?

Good one...
It was good to read.... Great work with the rhyming....
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...

popatemyheart1994 wrote:Mother, Do you know what I see in you?
A book, a broach, a pearl or shoe? This makes little sense as a follow up question to the one starting the poem. You have literature, two pieces of jewelry, and foot wear. What links them? Over all, it seems rather random, and has only, perhaps, a means of variety in what he may see in his mother? But very little emotion.
I see myself through your eyes, So I take that through out his age, this young man saw his mom as a good influence.
When you close them, I close mine. Yes, he emulates the woman who gave birth to him. But for what purpose? What has these two being so close?

I lie, I lie! I rob and steal The repetition of "I lie" breaks this revelation. It is almost comical, which is probably not what you were going for. It's funny because it almost looks like he's saying, "I'm a liar! I lied! HA!"
Grasping onto what isn’t real. Where did that come from? What has he been grabbing onto? He isn't really like his mom?
Don’t forget young minds recall, Okay, he is having flashbacks.
Did you always catch me? Did I fall? His mother brought him through trial? You hint that she may have hurt him through out the years, and maybe she didn't always help him as much as he wanted?

Mother, Mother, Mary look!
The priest he came, your soul he took.
I bow my head and pray for you,
I know, I know, it will not do!Of course not, if he has no faith in what he is praying for. I can tell that he is struggling.

Mother Mother, you sit and cry,
Did he save you, did he try? Did who save her? The priest, God?
I see your shame, your guilt and pride.
It recognises the ghost I hide. What did he do wrong? Is he the reason why his mother is in some kind of trouble that hasn't been illustrated in a clear way?

I wish, I wish, it never died.
Oh was it ever, really alive?

This leaves me with questions, and don't get it wring, questions can be good, but not when it is caused by murkiness. What was the over all purpose of the poem? Regret? Lack of faith? Those are possibilities, but the context clues were rather bleak, and not enough to come up with a logical solution.

Human nature is not hard to understand, but it does tend to be difficult to replicate in literature. It's a universal thing, and yet, it is rendered on countless forms. All in all, the emotional impact that such a piece should have delivered was lacking. The motives of the (male I presume) were missing, and the awkwardness of lines threw me off course in critical instances of drama. The rhyming wasn't particularly great, but it hardly ever is.

You could improve this, and future poems, by having establishing a root mood in a poem, or at least have the transitions feel natural and smooth. Also, don't feel too forced to rhyme. often times, free non-rhyming verses are more beautiful than rhymes that most people would rather not notice. It's the rhythm, not the actual rhyming that often makes a great piece of poetry bloom with radiant literature, painted by a writer's hand.

(This has been a review from someone who hates Shakespeare and many other old poets.) Poetry is a weakness of mine, and if I ever post one, you're free to tear it apart, because, I'm convinced my poetry is very likely atrocious.

Don't be shy on posting any other works, man. That's what this site is for, to get criticized and improve. My first review from another member was-shocking to me. But I didn't get too scared. I stayed and kept posting. Throughout my year on here, I improved grammatically quite drastically.

The rhyming was good and easy to read, with a fantastic flow to it. The only problem, though it isn't really a problem, is that it doesn't explain anything really. But the emotion comes through and hey, poems don't have to be understandable by the general public. I give it an A!