Fate - Chapter 1: Broken Glass

Broken Glass
Chapter 1



Broken glass is always an uncomfortable sight. It’s more scary when the broken glass is from the windows of a car. Broken glass is horrifying when it’s covered in blood – When the blood, sweat, and tears are stained on broken glass and you witness why it turned out that way, that’s when your life takes a fatal twist. That’s when you feel your life spiraling down, farther and farther. Until there’s nothing left and it’s just you. It’s a blank page…it’s writer’s block.

It was a beautiful sunny day. The sun's rays came out and bounced off the trees and houses and cars. The clouds were out of the way, letting the sun shine. The shadows followed everyone and everything like a black ghost. It was 7:00 AM and the 16th wedding anniversary of my parents. My dad decided to take my mom out. She was wondering why they had to leave so early.

“Good morning, how’s my baby girl doing today?”

Mom walked in, in her PJ’s. It was a pink tank top that was too short for her with polka-dotted pants. My mom had hair that was blacker than the midnight sky. It was always so silky that the light reflected off of it. She was gorgeous.

“Can you PLEASE stop with the baby name?! And, I’m probably stayin’ home the whole day, but enough about me! What are you guys doin’ today?” I asked.

“Well I wish I knew! Your dad won’t tell me! I feel like there’s some catch to it, but you never know with that guy. It’s been 16 years and I feel like there’s still a whole side of him I don’t know. But, I know that there’s a catch.”

“A catch? What catch? There’s no catch?” My dad replied nervously as he walked into the kitchen. That was the difference between me and my dad, I was good at acting, while he wasn't.

See, the catch was, my dad set up a two week vacation to Paris, France. Yup, that’s right. Paris. My mom wasn’t up for leaving me at home for that long, so my dad decided to hide that part from her.

I watched my parents pack and walk out the door.

A week eventually dragged itself around and my parents emailed me some pictures. Surprisingly, I missed them. I had secretly wanted my perfect parents gone for a while. They were SO perfect while I was just the opposite. I was always compared to them and they were...perfect.

Another week passed by and I was waiting on the front porch watching for their car. It was raining hard but I wasn’t worried. The road was flooded and the sewers were overflowing. The lightning struck angrily. Everything had a graveyard look to it.

I saw a car coming. It was definitely my parents. Nobody else had a black Porsche around here. It was coming fast. Real fast. I saw the looks on their faces as they approached. They were terrified. I was terrified. When they saw me, they gave me a glance that scarred me for life and mouthed the words “I love you.” Together.

After that it all happened in a split second. My dad hit the emergency brakes and the car went flying. It skidded upside down, spraying broken glass everywhere. Before I could call 911 I scrambled up and ran out to the car.

The car itself was dented, the broken glass had been stained in blood. It wasn’t just any blood though. It was the blood, sweat, and tears that raised and loved me. the blood, the sweat, and the tears of my parents.

Hello! I'm Truth, nice to meet you!
On with the review? I'll start with some nitpicks and corrections I suggest.

osnapitzkav wrote:Broken Glass
Chapter 1



Broken glass is always an uncomfortable sight. It’s more scary when the broken glass is from the windows of a car. Broken glass is horrifying when it’s covered in blood – When the blood, sweat, and tears are stained on broken glass and you witness why it turned out that way, that’s when your life takes a fatal twist. That’s when you feel your life spiraling down, farther and farther. Until there’s nothing left and it’s just you. It’s a blank page…it’s writer’s block.One thing that is bothering me here are all the 'broken glass' s there's a lot in there. You can substitute some of them by 'it', unless you want to keep the repetition in for something. And... I love the mention on writer's block in there

It was a beautiful sunny day. The clouds were out of the way, letting the sun shine, the shiny rays came out and bounced off the trees and houses and cars. A suggestion here, I just think it would flow better this way The shadows followed everyone and everything like a black ghost. It was 7:00 AM and the 16th wedding anniversary of my parents when my dad decided to take my mom out. She was wondering why they had to leave so early.

“Good morning, how’s my baby girl doing today?”

Mom walked in, in her PJ’s. It was a pink tank top that was too short for her with polka-dotted pants. She had hair that was blacker than the midnight sky. It was always so silky that the light reflected off of it. She was gorgeous.

“Can you PLEASE stop with the baby name?! And, I’m probably stayin’ home the whole day, but enough about me! What are you guys doin’ today?” I asked.

“Well I wish I knew! Your dad won’t tell me! I feel like there’s some catch to it, but you never know with that guy. It’s been sixteen years and I feel like there’s still a whole side of him I don’t know. But, I know that there’s a catch.”

“A catch? What catch? There’s no catch?” My dad replied nervously as he walked into the kitchen. That was the difference between me and my dad, I was good at acting, while he wasn't.

See, the catch was that my dad had set up a two week vacation to Paris, France. Yup, that’s right. Paris. Mom wasn’t up for leaving me at home for that long, so my dad decided to hide that part from her.

I watched my parents pack and walk out the door.

A week eventually dragged itself around and my parents emailed me some pictures. Surprisingly, I missed them. I had secretly wanted my perfect parents gone for a while. They were SO perfect while I was just the opposite. I was always compared to them and they were...perfect.Question... Why would she be compared with her parents? They are so much older while she is still a teenage (I believe) Teen ages are the time to make mistakes, act stupid and be unperfect. I would understand, though, if you were talking about her parent's teenage years and how they expect her to follow their path? Is that what you meant? It's okay either way, just weird, for me anyways.

Another week passed by and I was waiting on the front porch, comma watching for their car. It was raining hard but I wasn’t worried. The road was flooded and the sewers were overflowing. The lightning struck angrily. Everything had a graveyard look to it.

I saw a car coming. It was definitely my parents. Nobody else had a black Porsche around here. It was coming fast. Real fast. I saw the looks on their faces as they approached. They were terrified. I was terrified. When they saw me, they gave me a glance that scarred me for life and mouthed the words “I love you.” Together.

After that it all happened in a split second. My dad hit the emergency brakes and the car went flying. It skidded upside down, spraying broken glass everywhere. Before I could call 911, comma I scrambled up and ran out to the car.

The car itself was dented, the broken glass had been stained in blood. It wasn’t just any blood though. It was the blood, sweat, and tears that raised and loved me. The blood, the sweat, and the tears of my parents.

Alrighty! Overall, I think this has a lot of potential! The plot looks very promising.

My only concern is with the style you are writing with... something really common with us young writers are the overuse of periods. You write in a beautiful, descriptive way but you have all these periods that are blocking the natural flow of your words. Try combining sentence that are treating of the same subject with commas instead of periods, or semicolon, once in a while would work also.
Other than that, it's beautiful! Close to no mistakes, perfect

PM me if you have any concerns with any of my comments or corrections above and when you post more, aaaaaannnnddd, keep on writing!

-Truth-

Broken glass is always an uncomfortable sight. It’s more scary when the broken glass is from the windows of a car. Broken glass is horrifying when it’s covered in blood – When the blood, sweat, and tears are stained on broken glass and you witness why it turned out that way, that’s when your life takes a fatal twist. That’s when you feel your life spiraling down, farther and farther. Until there’s nothing left and it’s just you. It’s a blank page…it’s writer’s block. Okay not bad, good start it really draws you in.It was a beautiful sunny day. The sun's rays came out and bounced off the trees and houses and cars. The clouds were out of the way, letting the sun shine. The shadows followed everyone and everything like a black ghost. It was 7:00 AM and the 16th wedding anniversary of my parents. My dad decided to take my mom out. She was wondering why they had to leave so early.

“Good morning, how’s my baby girl doing today?” At first i didn't know who spoke? Is it her mum?? Mom walked in, in her PJ’s. It was a pink tank top that was too short for her with polka-dotted pants. My mom had hair that was blacker than the midnight sky. It was always so silky that the light reflected off of it. She was gorgeous.

“Can you PLEASE stop with the baby name?! And, I’m probably stayin’ home the whole day, but enough about me! What are you guys doin’ today?” I asked.
Really i don't know how to coment on this, really good “Well I wish I knew! Your dad won’t tell me! I feel like there’s some catch to it, but you never know with that guy. It’s been 16 years and I feel like there’s still a whole side of him I don’t know. But, I know that there’s a catch.”

“A catch? What catch? There’s no catch?” My dad replied nervously as he walked into the kitchen. That was the difference between me and my dad, I was good at acting, while he wasn't. This was a bit confusing?? See, the catch was, my dad set up a two week vacation to Paris, France. Yup, that’s right. Paris. My mom wasn’t up for leaving me at home for that long, so my dad decided to hide that part from her.

I watched my parents pack and walk out the door.

A week eventually dragged itself around and my parents emailed me some pictures. Surprisingly, I missed them. I had secretly wanted my perfect parents gone for a while. They were SO perfect while I was just the opposite. I was always compared to them and they were...perfect. Why is it supprising that she misses her parents??Another week passed by and I was waiting on the front porch watching for their car. It was raining hard but I wasn’t worried. The road was flooded and the sewers were overflowing. The lightning struck angrily. Everything had a graveyard look to it.

I saw a car coming. It was definitely my parents. Nobody else had a black Porsche around here. It was coming fast. Were they coming fast because of the rain??? Real fast. I saw the looks on their faces as they approached. They were terrified. I was terrified. When they saw me, they gave me a glance that scarred me for life and mouthed the words “I love you.” Together. How does it scare her for life??
After that it all happened in a split second. My dad hit the emergency brakes and the car went flying. It skidded upside down, spraying broken glass everywhere. Before I could call 911 I scrambled up and ran out to the car. This was really good, my heart was going really fast, seriously it's chilling how good you can write, is there going to be another chapter???

The car itself was dented, the broken glass had been stained in blood. It wasn’t just any blood though. It was the blood, sweat, and tears that raised and loved me. the blood, the sweat, and the tears of my parents.

I love this i want to read more, keep at it

I enjoyed this! it's hard to believe you're only 13. Keep it up man. You're doing great. I would take the comments from above, into account. I reviewed them and thought they were spot on. Great job. Im interested in chapter two!

Ok I really loved this chapter. It caught my attention and made me want to read more. You have very good descriptive language something I struggle with ao I envy you for that my only critism is that it went a little fast but other than that it was fantastic. Keep up the good work and keep writing. Can't wait for the next chapter.