Love & Lust

Love
Strikes at the heart
Knows it's part
In life

Love
Fears no thing
Wears a ring
And carries on through strife

Love's fine and dandy
If you said your vows
But you can't taste the candy
No, not right now

Those tender words she's spoken
Oh, if they were true
If you would believe them 
She'd make a mess of you 

Reputation lost forever 
Friendships are forever severed 
Never to be seen
Again

You throw the switch 
Like a broken lever 
You can't go back 
Not now or ever
You've really done it this time
My friend

These things so fragile 
And easily broken 
Float so delicately
Like a first-time poem 
On a soft summers air-
Ready to fall through the cracks
At any minute.

Love is patient 
Love is kind
Knows no reason
Knows no rhyme
Doesn't pay much
Not one dime
But teaches more
Every time
Than the great ones ever could.

Love shows us what is good. 

Oh, I hate to be a preacher
But I only speak the truth 
Love's the greatest teacher
It's stories are it's proof

Oh yes, 
Love's fine and dandy 
If you've said your vows
But you can't taste the candy
No, not right now.

Love has a cousin
Her name is Lust
She can take you for a spin
Knock you in the dust 
Pick you back up
And smack you across the face


She'll catch you dreaming
In the dead of night
About her cousin 
Love at first sight
And begin her scheming
To begin your plight
Into the worst world you've ever dreamed of. 

She'll see that gleam 
That look in your eye
And begin weaving
Her pretty little lies
Hear her whispering
As your heart dives 
As it enters into the unknown. 

Yes, she can steal your throne

Oh yea, Love, she's fine and dandy
When you've said your vows
But you can't taste the candy
No, sir, not right now.   

        

Hey
I love your poem!!! It's really realistic and as you read it you know exactly what each line means. Some poems are just a load of gibberish but this poem actually makes sense!!! Well done, I look forward to reading your future work!
Keep Writing X

Thanks. I appreciate it. The best stuff comes from the things you live through. Thanks again! -Clay

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, this poem confused me, not in meaning but how it left me feeling. But perhaps I'd do better to explain this in the review. All I can say is there potential here. Now on to the review, I hope you understand I'm only harsh to help improve you and not insult you personally. Let's begin.

Throughout first half of poem I was wincing, groaning and otherwise thinking man this hurts to read. This wasn't what you intended, you want me to to be thinking that's sweet and romantic, not that it's tawdry and generic. Romance and love should evoke the feelings. Instead I found myself visibly wondering 'When will it end?' Then low and behold you change tone into Lust and rather than going the route of cliches with this, like with the love stanzas you instead drop the petty rhyme scheme and realize it doesn't work and have a fairly solid poem for whole of that stanza. So the question is how can you ignore cliches of one idea and not ignore ideas of another.

Love is a feeling that's written about by many people and the fact you can only resort to Hallmark Greeting Cards statements and not really address the whole point of poem to show how love is much stronger emotion -- you could have gone many ways with this, a love for a friend, a love for a family member a love for everyone. Love isn't exclusive solely to whom you will kiss or hold. Love transcends that. But you only act like it's a one track feeling. Whereas you treat lust with respect how that for irony? Lust has layers which you address.

She'll catch you dreaming
In the dead of night
About her cousin
Love at first sight
And begin her scheming
To begin your plight
Into the worst world you've ever dreamed of.

See you really show how something innocent can be corrupted. But also Lust can be purified. Much of the muchness you give love rotten end of deal, you treat it like a bad harlequin romance treats it. And lust you you respect and even change rhyme scheme. I don't understand.

Overall: If you put as much love into writing love as you did writing Lust you'd have a more solid poem.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't trying to invoke any emotions. This is a piece that I wrote a while back. It really has no intentions at all, actually. Other than to release some pent up emotions and figure out where I was at. It's written based on both my experiences and the concepts of love and lust. It's intended as a comparison of the two; designed to be a grand overview of my life from the perspective of what's right and wrong. The first and second stanzas are designed to explain what love is to me, the kind of love that I'm talking about. There are different kinds of love; but the one I'm talking about here has to do with marriage. Stanzas three through seven kinda go into my situation-where I was when I wrote this. Specifically, the lines "Reputation lost forever-Friendships are forever severed-Never to be seen-Again" are hard to explain, unless you read between the lines. I'm a Christian. I've got influence at my school on younger Christians..can you imagine what it'd be like if I messed up? It wouldn't represent my Lord at all! That's what these lines are about. This wasn't meant as anything more than an outlet of emotions, kind of a self-check, so I'd know where I was at. I wasn't trying to do anything with it. As you've pointed out, it's unfinished. Luckily, I didn't have anything more to say about lust. I didn't slip enough to fall down. It's a poem that you almost have to know the background info to be able to understand, or be extremely good at reading between the lines. I'm sorry I didn't explain the situation before I wrote it out. I'll do that next time. -Clay

Edited
Eh, well I seem to have missplaced my quote button so I am going to have to do this by hand. My name is Flow by the way (shakes hand) and I will be your reviewer for the evening. (Stares at length) I've read this over and I think that you could cut down the length a good bit on this. I don't think you need everything you said in it to be honest. I think when you are writting you want your point to be given off all the way through. Un-needed things make your poem drag, and length is sometimes one of those un-needed things.

With that said I'll give a line by line review where needed and give more comments later.

Love,
Strikes at the heart
Knows it's part I would add an and before this and take out the capital letter.
In life. What I noticed here is your lack of punctuation. I would add some to this.

Love,
Fears no thing This should be nothing.
Wears a ring I get this now, but it just jumps in at random. I don't really know what it has to do with the previous line. For that reason I think you should say something about the fear and then add the ring in with a more marriagey stanza.
And carries on through strife. I don't really think you need all capital letters in this poem.


Love's fine and dandy
If you said your vows,
But you can't taste the candy What do you mean taste the candy.
No, not right now.

Those tender words she's spoken
Oh, if they were true,
If you would believe them
She'd make a mess of you. Again punctuation, and I don't really like the first line. It sounds awkward.

Ok, well the poem is pretty much the same all the way through so I will leave it at that. I think that you need to add punctuation to the whole thing. I also think that it could be shortened entirely. It doesn't really flow that well, and it gets kind of confusing. I'm not sure what else to say. If I think of something I will come back.

Ok, I'm back. I added what I meant by punctuation, gave examples you know stuff like that. I get the idea of your poem here, it just needs to make sense without you explaining it to us. A poem should have the means of explaining for you. I got some of it, but not all of it. I think you could make this more simple.

-Flow-