The In-Between

nettle dreams catch and snag
on sweating skin and salty tears, ripping open
gashes were smiles used to reside-
you don’t know where you went wrong,
when the path divided and you turned straight
through the middle of the fork
and ventured to the in-between--

but you know where you are now,
and the vegetation is deep, deeper
than you knew your mind could go,
seems to swallow up your legs with each step,
to take in your skin and muscles and sinew and blood,
blood that’s bursting with adrenaline that’s useless,
because no amount of running would ever get you anywhere else--
you don’t know when the golden glow
became this ghastly gray, this world
of forgotten terrors and feral dreams--

but now you’re trudging through memories
you thought (hoped) (wished) you’d forgotten a long time ago,
and they’re trampling you,
trampling you as you try to shield your
face and stop the thorns
from scratching out your crying eyes...


Subject:

Spoiler

This is about a nightmare, in case I didn't make that clear enough. Not just A nightmare, but nightmares in general.

Author's Note:

Spoiler

So, the ending bothers me-- I wanted to leave off in the midst of the nightmare, but it feels too forced and abrupt to me. I'm also considering switching it to first person, and maybe taking out the points of repetition. Definitely going to work on the piece as a whole. Thoughts?

Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

Wow, I really love this poem. The imagery is beautiful. You have used a great deal of detail.
I think the structure you've used was well placed and it felt like I was watching things unfold.
Seriously gorgeous poem. You have such a great talent.
Well done!

Hey there, Persephoneia!

This poem was magical, and it does make sense that this was a nightmare. Yet I feel it had some beautiful air of mystery to it so you never felt the need to know what it was about. It had that abstract kind of feel, even though it still easily retained it's imagery.

Here was just a minor error I found:

gashes were smiles used to reside-

"were" should be 'where'.

As for my overall thoughts, I think you should keep it in second-person. I feel that it puts your reader in the poem more directly and therefore is more effective. Also, I personally thought your ending was perfect, but if you don't feel like it is feel free to change it.

I hope I helped! If you need anything, feel free to PM me.

This is beautiful. It is such a beautiful nightmare. I love it completely. Your imagery is great and I could picture it unfolding. You have a great talent.

nettle dreams catch and snag
on sweating skin and salty tears, ripping open
gashes were smiles used to reside-
you don’t know where you went wrong,
when the path divided and you turned straight
through the middle of the fork
and ventured to the in-between--

but you know where you are now,
and the vegetation is deep, deeper
than you knew your mind could go,
seems to swallow up your legs with each step,
to take in your skin and muscles and sinew and blood,
blood that’s bursting with adrenaline that’s useless,
because no amount of running would ever get you anywhere else--
you don’t know when the golden glow
became this ghastly gray, this world
of forgotten terrors and feral dreams--

but now you’re trudging through memories
you thought (hoped) (wished) you’d forgotten a long time ago,
and they’re trampling you,
trampling you as you try to shield your
face and stop the thorns
from scratching out your crying eyes...

firstly, i have to say that i love this, i really do. there are a few points for improvement, but i love this style of poetry as it is. there's just that 'were' instead of 'where' in terms of grammar. there are a few stylistic alteration that could be made...for example, i think a full stop after "...sweating skin and salty tears" would work better than that longer sentence. it'd help convey the feeling of panic. i also prefer "useless adrenaline" or "adrenaline without a purpose" over "adrenaline that's useless". i don't really like "trudge" to be honest. i don't feel as if it totally fits. "wade" or "crawl" might work better. finally, i love " you thought (hoped) (wished) you'd...". i don't know why.

all in all, this is great (: