One last beat, Drumming heart of mine

This is my first post..I don't really know what's going on.. but here goes!

Moisture Ridden
Bed Bidden
One last beat, drumming heart of mine.

Gentle Flinching,
Eyelids pinching
With pain, brought by rigid spine.

Horses Ready?
Hold them steady,
Haul up the carriage soon.
Haul up the early mourners
And stand them in a line.
Ready their veils and handkerchiefs
For soon, it is my time.

Hey, Styley, and welcome to Young Writer's Society!

First off, I must say I enjoyed this poem. I liked how you alluded to the death of the speaker in a more indirect route than other poems. It reminded me of a poem I've recently read by Alfred Lord Tennyson, Crossing the Bar. Both poems dealt with the same story and your use of language was comparable, as well.

There were two lines that threw me a bit off, though. You're second line, "bed bidden," seemed to have too much alliteration, and not only that it didn't quite connect for me with your meaning for the poem. I'd try something else instead.

Your sixth line didn't really fit either. I understand the "rigid spine," but when you added "brought by" before it there was an indication that it was the cause of the previously mentioned pain. I'd replace this with something perhaps more poetic. This might be a line where you'd want to imply the cause of the death for the speaker.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or need anything, feel free to Private Message me!

~Selene

I like this piece, short and sweet, though saying that I would of like to have read more.
But I really like the imagery you have used, I feel like a witness to what is taking place.
It makes me smile yet also I feel sorrow for this.
Well done, though a little more detail would work well

Nice use of rhyming and beat, but some more detail would definitely make the poem better. Metaphors are especially powerful. I would also refrain from telling us the cause of the death. The best poems only go into detail on the metaphysical level.

Keep up the good work!