As the Moon Was Waxing Gibbous

I saw my Dad step off the car
As he carried the usual stack of file
He brought home after work
And the maid turning the door open for him.

I heard my Mom talking on the phone,
“No, I clearly ordered red!” she said
And I wondered when was the last time
She had ever talked to me.

I tasted the cookies from the forbidden jar
That would go expired uneaten anyway
To see if anybody would notice
And the filthy belt greeted my skin anew.

I felt pain all over my body
For that one piece of cookie
But hey, I thought, pain is a more welcome feeling
Than to feel nothing at all.

I smelled death as the maid tucked me in,
Yes, the horribly sweet smell of eternal oblivion;
He was smiling, waving down when I opened the bedroom window
And as I fell backwards, I saw the moon was waxing gibbous.

This is more of a narrative, isn't it? K lets start this thing.

off the car

Off the car? Ive heard of people getting OUT of a car, but not off of it. Unless he was doing somekind of captain morgan stance at the top. If thats true, then you are the greatest poet in the universe.

I saw my Dad step off the car
As he carried the usual stack of file
He brought home after work
And the maid turning the door open for him.

It has no rhythem. Its like you are out of breath and have a long pause after each line. I see what you are trying to do, but Line 1,2, and 3 are all one idea, while 4 is not.

I heard my Mom talking on the phone,
“No, I clearly ordered red!” she said
And I wondered when was the last time
She had ever talked to me.

Nothing bad here, but you still are out of rhythm.... Hmmm. I guess being out of rhythm is bad, so there is something bad here .

go expired uneaten anyway

Take away anyway. We already know that, and it is just a word too long.

To see if anybody would notice

I know what this means, but it does not fit with the other 4 lines.

But hey, I

But hey? Really? I thought this was poetry, not a text.

Ratherthan to feel

Makes it flow better.

I like the ending.


So there can be alot of improvements in this, but I like the idea of it.

I'm no poetry expert -- don't kill me. I love the title, by the way.

Now, I believe that WritersUnleashed has caught quite a few things, so there isn't really much in the nitpicks department fr me to catch. The one thing I did catch, though, was:

I saw my Dad step off the car
As he carried the usual stack of file

I'm thinking that "I saw my Dad step out the car, or out of would sound even better. Most people don't step off cars, but rather out of them ... Unless they're on top of that.

Okay, that's done and said ...

OVERALL:
My apologies if my impression was wrong, but I do believe he ended up killing himself at the end? How old is he -- if he kills himself, but a maid tucks him in ... he must be quite young. Well, that's beyond the point. Personally, I liked the look into his life: it showed us how he's been ignored, et cetera. But I feel that with this piece, as it is quite emotional, you could tap into those emotions more, and show us the pain that he feels -- more than just the pain of eating a cookie. I did really like the last paragraph though, I like the explanation on the moon, and the way death smiled at him, and such. That was good.

So I think with a bit of revising, this thing can be great -- keep up the good work!

-- Flux

"I saw my Dad step off the car" dad would step out of.
"As he carried the usual stack of file" files
"And the maid turning the door open for him." turning doesnt sound right unless they have one of those fun spinning door things from old malls. (man how come i never see those anymore. they were so fun! now their only at waterparks)
"That would go expired uneaten anyway" I like this sentance but at the same time dont.. its almost too much description with expired uneaten. try one or the other?

Unsure of the rest. Though it adds some drama to it The poem does not necessarily lead up to this kind of drama. I see an upper class family with issues, but if the child is so ignored why would a cookie be such a foul thing? Chances are the parents wouldnt even care what happened to the kid.

suicide after that could be more drawn out. It goes from being in bed to falling to death. It;'s a hard thing to switch to and the movement should be documented to ease us into that.

Now that I have done my main knitpicking I did like it. Obvs I think those things should be changed, but thats more of a 2nd read through type deal. I liekd the feel and think that this could be a much larger poem, you have the base for something really deep

keep it up!