Nobles and Beggars *Part 1*

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A random story wrote at 5 am. Hope you enjoy! ^^
[WARNING: Contains very strong language, therefore the 18+ rating.]

Damion Kale lounged comfortably in a gilded chair of brass, the sharpened point of a rapier grazing his throat.

”Why, to whom do I owe this explicit pleasure?” he asked, flicking a dark strand hair out of his eyes. The dark hall was partially lit by sconces on the walls, casting about long shadows.

The hand holding the rapier shook with quiet mirth, sinking the tip a millimeter further. The faint chuckle rolled from lips underneath a precisely trimmed mustache. A strong nose protruded above the faint, black line; the eyes crowned the noble features, starlight blue orbs of hardened steel. This was the face of Maximillion Raadenreigh, Duke of Dorsair.

”Ever so cocky, Kale.” No smile graced the hard features of the Duke. ”This time, there's nowhere for you to run. I've a hundred strong arms to cover all entrances, aside from these fine lads here."

Wicked grins spread on the faces of the Dreghs, their scarlet and black uniforms stylishly adorned with gold lacing; every one of them was pointing a loaded crossbow at the solitary figure on the Throne of Brass.

”You will come quietly, or every man here will suddenly develop a simultaneous itch in their finger. We don't want to stain the holy floors with your filthy blood – if it should even be called blood.” Raadenreigh spat on the floor, which a liveried servant rushed to clean up immediatley. "But rest assured, we will if we must."

Damion watched the servant girl clean up the glob of spittle with great appreciation; he had a perfect hind-view from where he was sitting.

”I shall come quietly, my lord the Duke. But I fear my sense of etiquette must be drastically out-dated. I had thought that a Lord of the House of Kale was supposed to be escorted by at least twenty guards when he takes a walk.” Damion let his gaze leave the servant for in instant to lock eyes with the Duke. ”The filthy beggars have a need for their parades.” His eyes wandered back onto the girl.

”Shut the fuck up,” Maximillion growled, ”Those 'filthy beggars' are the reason you have a fortune, for who else would buy a steady stream of rotten merchandise from across the sea? The peasants are not there to be merely trampled on by the rich!”

Damion Kale smiled widely, looking up with mocking shock. ”Does our great Duke, Ruler of the Seven Sages, Bane of the Foredian, Shield of Hadaw, have a soft spot for grovelling mongrels?”

A vein pulsed in a very rapid rhythym on Raadenreigh's forehead. His right hand clenched into a tight fist until the knuckles popped, his left hand holding the hilt of the elegant blade in a death-grip. The Ruler of the Seven Sages drew back his fist and punched Damion dead in the face. Damion's head rocked back, warm blood oozing from his nose.

”I swear, one more word – just one more fucking word out of you – and we'll see just how well you can sing with another opening in your throat. Now, haul your ass up from my throne, and prepare yourself for a good, long ride to Hell.” Maximillion's voice was a deadly whisper.

Damion frowned at that. He lifted a gloved hand to his nose, and frowned further as it came back stained red. Stifling the flow with the ruined glove and crossing his legs, Damion scrunched up his face in deep thought, smacking his lips loudly. The sound echoed through the empty throne room of the Duke, playing tag in the maze of pillars. Finally, Damion gave a half-hearted shrug and nodded, but very slightly, fearing the sting of the rapier.

”You and you,” Maximillion pointed at two of the more muscular Dreghs, ”grab him.”

The two appointed guards slung their crossbows on their backs and moved in unison to haul Damion up from the throne as the little servant girl scrambled away with a frightened shriek. He looked after her with deep regret.

”You there, you get the best job. You stick that nifty little device there in your hands right in his crotch and if he even twitches a finger without my command, you skewer his balls. Understand?” The man in question nodded and crammed his crossbow in between Damion's thighs, causing him to grimace in pain. ”Good lad.”

Duke Raadenreigh leaned in close to Damion. ”You won't say one fucking word while I'm gone. Got that?” He gave Damion a small pat on the cheek. ”You're going to die like a baying bitch, screaming for mercy at my feet while I squeeze the life out of you with my own hand,” Maximillion hissed, squeezing an invisible throat with a gloved hand to emphasize his point.

The Duke spun on his heel with that, his lime-green cloak fluttering in his wake as he stalked away, looking for the Captain.
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Wed Jan 19, 2011 5:39 pm, edited 8 times in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Hello, waitingfor life :)

Soo... I thought that you started the chapter off really well. It's was sort of like "Oh, he's relaxed in a chair", and then - BAM! - "he has a really sharp sword at his throat!". I love it when people do things like that in their stories, it's fun to read AND fun to write.

Oh, I'm not trying to do a nit-pick review here, but this word should be changed to "sconces"
The dark hall was partially lit by conches on the walls, casting about long shadows.


And I understand that you wrote it at 5 in the morning, so it was probably just a really sleepy mistake.

I like how you set up the characters. From this chapter alone, I can tell that: A) Maximillion is either jealous of Damion's throne/seat of power and is kidnapping him, or he's just kidnapping Damion in general. From that I get the feeling that Maximillion is a very jealous man, and is never fully satisfied with what he has. I also get the feeling that he is very intellectual; cold and calculating.

B) From Damion I get the vibe that he's either young (18-20's) and is still in the state of mind that he will live forever and nothing can harm him, or that he's young and very wise - not showing his fear. You've given us the fact that he is a little... hmm.... observant (that's the word) from how he watched the servant girl.

I like the tension in this scene, it's very driving - but somewhere in the middle between all of the dialogue (about halfway through the chapter) I kind of get bored with everything that's being said. Maybe you can spice it up a little? (It's still only the first chapter, and it's so easy to lose a reader if it's not exciting all the way through.)

But, other than that... I think this is very good for a beginning chapter. It has tension and pulls you in. I like the characters - you wrote them so easily and slipped in their personalities in such a good way that I couldn't help but immediately like them.

...how in the world did you write this at 5 in the morning? Hahahahaha, I'm just jealous! It was really good.

Cheers!

-Mazey
"Write what you want to read."




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Hey Mazey, thanks for the review! :)

Haha yeah, changed it to scones, thanks for pointing that out. :D
You got the characters' personalities pretty much spot on, and by reading your review, I noticed I had forgotten to mention that the throne was actually Maximillion's. That's cleared up now.
Aaaaand... yeah, I'll try my best to spice it up a little.
And as to how I wrote it, I have no clue, it just popped into my mind. To tell the truth, I would've much rather been sleeping, but oh well. A writer's life is governed by their ideas. :P
So, thanks for pointing these out!

|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Hey there lad, Pervy here. I enjoyed reading this, you described the characters and their actions splendedly, and I got a good idea of the scenery as well.

Onto the nitpicking: I found minor errors, but here goes:

”You will come quietly, or every man here will have a sudden itch in their finger at the same time.”
-Nothing wrong with the sentence, I'd personally prefer "simultaneously" instead of "at the same time"

“A vein pulsed in a very rapid rythym on Raadenreigh's forehead.”
*Rhythm

he two appointed guards slung their crossbows on their backs and moved in unision”
*Unison

“as the little servant girl scrambled away with a frightened squeal”
I believe "shriek" would be more more efficient in this case, but it's up to taste ^^

And I believe the crossbow is most efficient when it's shot a few meters further from it's target (in this case, the nutsack), in order for the velocity of the bolt to increase. I dunno, just a random though xD

Good story, do continue it!

SIncerely,
The one and only Perverted Iguana (you know who ;D)
I'm bringing sexyback




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Hey, thanks (again) for the review!

Your points have been remedied (is that even a word? :D). And yes, I thought about the thing with the crossbow too actually. It just brought more humor to have the guy shove it up close and personal, so I stuck with that xD

The next part'll be up in a few days most probs.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
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Oooh, with the throne being Maximillion's... the intensity just went up by, like, a lot of notches!

Hehehe, *impatiently waiting for the next chapter*.

(P.S. ahem *cough*, sconCes (with a c), not scones. XD Though I do love scones... my Mom makes them for us every Christmas, and they are oh-so delicious, especially when she makes them with an orange drizzle icing. Mmmm.)

Cheers!

-Mazey
Last edited by Mazey on Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Damion Kale lounged comfortably in a gilded chair of brass - I find that gilded means gold-plated. Why not just make it gold? -, the needle-sharp point of a rapier grazing his throat.

”Why, to whom do I owe this explicit pleasure?” he asked, flicking a dark hair out of his brown eyes. The dark hall was partially lit by scones - So you are saying that the walls were lit by British pastries? - on the walls, casting about long shadows.

The hand holding the rapier shook with quiet mirth, sinking the tip a millimeter further. The faint chuckle rolled from lips underneath a precisely trimmed moustache {-mustache-}. A strong nose protruded above the faint, black line; the eyes crowned the noble features, starlight blue orbs of hardened steel. This was the face of Maximillion Raadenreigh, Duke of Dorsair.

”Ever so cocky - Cocky is a more contemporary word -, Kale.” No smile graced the hard features of the Duke. ”This time, there's nowhere for you to run. I've a hundred strong arms to cover all entrances, aside from these fine lads here."

Wicked grins spread on the faces of the Dreghs, their scarlet and black uniforms stylishly adorned with gold lacing; every one of them was pointing a loaded crossbow at the solitary figure on the Throne of Brass.

”You will come quietly, or every man here will suddenly develop a simultaneous itch in their finger. We don't want to stain the holy floors with your filthy blood – if it should even be called blood.” Raadenreigh spat on the floor, which a liveried servant rushed to clean up immediatley.

Damion watched the servant girl clean up the glob of spittle with great appreciation; he had a perfect view from where he was sitting.

”I shall come quietly, my lord the Duke. But I fear my sense of etiquette must be drastically out-dated. I had thought that a Lord of the House of Kale was supposed to be escorted by at least twenty guards when he takes a walk.” Damion let his gaze leave the servant for in instant to lock eyes with the Duke. ”The filthy beggars have a need for their parades.” His eyes wandered back onto the girl.

”Shut the fuck up - If you are going to use this language, rate this story 18+ -,” Maximillion growled, ”Those 'filthy beggars' are the reason you have a fortune, for who else would buy a steady stream of rotten merchandise from across the sea? The peasants are not there to be merely trampled on by the rich!”

Damion Kale smiled widely, looking up with mocking shock. ”Does our great Duke, Ruler of the Seven Sages, Bane of the Foredian, Shield of Hadaw, have a soft spot for grovelling mongrels?”

A vein pulsed in a very rapid rhythym on Raadenreigh's forehead. His right hand clenched into a tight fist until the knuckles popped, his left hand holding the hilt of the elegant blade in a death-grip. The Ruler of the Seven Sages drew back his fist and punched Damion dead in the face. Damion's head rocked back, warm blood oozing from his nose.

”I swear, one more word – just one more fucking - 18+ - word out of you – and we'll see just how well you can sing with two openings in your throat - What do you mean two openings? -. Now, haul your ass up from my throne, and prepare yourself for a good, long ride to Hell.” Maximillion's voice was a deadly whisper.

Damion frowned at that. He scrunched up his face in deep thought, smacking his lips loudly. The sound echoed through the empty throne room of the Duke, playing tag in the maze of pillars. Finally, Damion gave a half-hearted shrug and nodded, but very slightly, fearing the sting of the rapier.

”You and you,” Maximillion pointed at two of the more muscular Dreghs, ”grab him.”

The two appointed guards slung their crossbows on their backs and moved in unison to haul Damion up from the throne as the little servant girl scrambled away with a frightened shriek. He looked after her with deep regret.

”You there, you get the best job. You stick that nifty little device there in your hands right in his crotch and if he even twitches a finger without my command, you skewer his balls - 20+ Please use a less crude word -. Understand?” The man in question nodded and crammed his crossbow in between Damion's thighs, causing him to grimace in pain. ”Good lad.”

Duke Raadenreigh leaned in close to Damion. ”You won't say one fucking word while I'm gone. Got that?” He gave Damion a small pat on the cheek. ”You're going to die like a baying bitch, screaming for mercy at my feet while I squeeze the life out of you with my own hand,” Maximillion hissed, squeezing an invisible throat with a gloved hand to emphasize his point. - A lot of language errors -
The Duke spun on his heel with that, his lime-green cloak fluttering in his wake as he stalked away, looking for the Captain.


The points I mentioned in this review are the spots that I think need some maintenance, better wording, or just have the wrong word in its place.

Overall, I liked the storyline. I hope to see the coming parts to this, but with less language.
:) Great story.




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Thanks for the comments again everyone! ^^

Oh, I thought I'd rated it 18+, seems I forgot. Sorry about that; I'll change it immediatley.
SCONCES, SCONCES, SCONCES.... I guess third time's the charm. :D I should really sleep more... And damn you, now I feel like a scone myself!

I really am sorry about the language, but that's the way I want to write this piece. I'll remember to add a warning at the start of each part though from now on.

And it's brass, because the Throne of Brass sounds cool. ;)
By the two openings I meant that he'd slit his throat; I'll try to clear that up.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Well now, that makes sense. Good idea to add a warning at the beginning. :)




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Just clearing something up. I will admit i'm a weapons freak (yes i have a forge, anvil, etc. and make my own swords). You said "needle sharp" point of the rapier. (Assuming that Hollywood has tricked you as they have millions into thinking that rapiers are pencil thick, long needles with handles and not even edges) I must point out that rapiers in reality were never like that. In fact it was and is common for the blade to be as wide or wider than two fingers at the hilt (very similar in design to a longsword, though in proportions and weighted for one handed use). a rapier would also never be as sharp as a needle as the distal and profile tapers to the tip would make the blade so thin that it would bend so much in a parry that it might even break (even with a spring temper). besides the obvious that a thrust wound from essentially a needle would do very little damage unless stuck directly in a vital organ.

Over all though? great job! Very impressive and fast paced. interested in continuing to read this. ^_^




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Hey Bladesmith, thanks for the advice on the rapier! ^^
I myself happen to love weapons of all sorts (though I don't really understand the "mechanics" involved in the making of them, which I'd like to remedy...) and have no illusions as to what a rapier looks like. ^^ But as I said, the processes of making weapons are unknown to me, so that bit about the point not being sharp was news to me. Kudos to you for quenching my thirst for knowledge in this area. :)
On reflection, that makes a lot of sense...and I'll clear it up now that I have some background information.

Gald you liked it though!

P.S. You make your own swords...? (Taking the risk of sounding like an over-eager fan-boy :D) That. Is. Sick. ^^
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Yep ^_^ I started teaching myself about two years ago. most people take classes with a master bladesmith or some sort of lessons, but ive taught myself using only the internet XD. I just bought this fancy new propane forge (for a hefty $385 after shipping) so im gunna be doing a ton of bladesmithing! Ill have to see if there is a way for me to post some pics.

Im glad i could help. If you have any questions about weapons or how they are made just let me know and i should be able to help you out.




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Impressive, I must say. ^^ I'm looking forward to seeing your works here. I thought that forges would cost a lot more, like in the thousands, though I'm not saying that $400 is a small amount of money either.

And I'll be sure to ask you if I have any questions, thanks for the offer! :)
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
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This is a really neat story, and I'm interested to see where it goes. It feels kind of like a political thriller except in a fantastical setting. It's really awesome stuff, and I can only see it getting better from here

A plus, sir :)
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman




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All right! As I said, I shall review!

As everyone else seems to have found the typo mistakes, I'll just forget about them. No need to repeat them.

I do have other things to point out though:

WaitingForLife wrote:”Why, to whom do I owe this explicit pleasure?” he asked, flicking a dark hair out of his brown eyes.

WaitingForLife wrote:The faint chuckle rolled from lips underneath a precisely trimmed mustache. A strong nose protruded above the faint, black line; the eyes crowned the noble features, starlight blue orbs of hardened steel. This was the face of Maximillion Raadenreigh, Duke of Dorsair.

This feels like a slight info-dump, to me. Meaning, you put too much info in one paragraph. It isn't a major one, but you described so much of the characters in one shot that it's nagging at me. I suggest you spread out your information a little. Like instead of specifying he flicks his dark hair out of his brown eyes, just say he flicked a dark strand of hair out of his eyes. Then later on, you can mention he has brown eyes.

Same thing for the 2nd paragraph. Spread out the information; you have a full chapter to do that :)

WaitingForLife wrote:Damion watched the servant girl clean up the glob of spittle with great appreciation; he had a perfect view from where he was sitting.

A perfect view of what exactly? Her butt? Her breasts? You need to specify this.

WaitingForLife wrote:Damion frowned at that. He scrunched up his face in deep thought, smacking his lips loudly. The sound echoed through the empty throne room of the Duke, playing tag in the maze of pillars. Finally, Damion gave a half-hearted shrug and nodded, but very slightly, fearing the sting of the rapier.

There's no mention of his bleeding nose. Doesn't it bother him?

That's it for nit-picking.
Something else I have to mention:
WaitingForLife wrote:P.S. You make your own swords...? (Taking the risk of sounding like an over-eager fan-boy ) That. Is. Sick. ^^

You're not alone! (although I'm a fan girl ;) )

Bladesmith wrote:Im glad i could help. If you have any questions about weapons or how they are made just let me know and i should be able to help you out.

I know this wasn't adressed to me, but can I take you up on that? I have swords in my novel, too :D

Okay, putting that aside. This was a good chapter. There's a good flow to it, the characters have good personnalities.
So good job *gives thumbs up*
Spitfire
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