After the Blast

In the hazened glow of the blast
rests a weary two. Lovers, that
long ago would be at each other's throats,
in a time that tongues were for making sense
of chaos all around - not the pleasuring of sense.

Enter the winds of the summer's fallout,
sweeping leaves around their weary heads.
Shadows once high against the midday sun
wrap around their bodies to rest. And
as the glow fades and the shroud falls,
their eyes brighten, in comfort of knowing the best
of company held and feelings felt,
that death will never make them forget.

*End*

(Hi guys. This is my second poem, written in the good half hour before this post was made. It's inspired by the closing chapters of Garth Nix's "Shade's Children", so I thought it best to acknowledge his part in my thoughts. Hope you like it, and all feedback appreciated.)

Edit: Slight editions to the wording made for better flow. Hope this doesn't suck more.

First of all: Garth Nix is amazing. My childhood favorite author- I still have a couple of his books and will occasionally reread them just for nostalgia's sake.
Second of all: this was another great poem. You're obviously an extremely talented writer if these are your first attempts at poetry. Personally, mine were all broken up and inconsistent rhymes that are really embarrassing to even think about now.


You have some really excellent imagery in this. I love the clever little lines you slip in, and the connections that you make throughout the piece- it really pulls it all together. I felt like this line was a little awkward though:

in knowledge of knowing the best

I know the repetition and how it can be a great literary device to do this, but for some reason, it isn't really working in this instance. At least not for me.

Altogether though, excellent job. I love the last line especially.

-Coral-

You really do have a talent for poetry.
This is a really strong piece giving more powerful imagery and a great sense of feeling.
It really took me in, though I would have liked to of read more since I think it has potential.
Great work and I really think you should keep developing your skills.

Hi Meme, I liked this up to a point. The first paragraph was funny, informative, beautiful, well worded...but then the second one kinda made my head spin. It just didn't match up to what had come before it, it seemed jumbled. It was confusing, although I really liked the last line, that paragraph didn't do it for me. -Maybe I just like reading about going down people's throats...ahem. xD- I think you should work on your imagery, because your wording is already excellent. I think you should also work on the flow of the poem, and the pace it's going at.

I've never heard of this book by Garth Nix, or him -is ignorant- but I liked bits of this poem.

It's great for a first try, mine was *shudders*-

Anyways this was good, keep writing, I'd like to see you in the featured works someday

Hope that helped,

Anger

Hello there!

Here as promised.

Spoiler

I just want to say that I'm not really a poem person but I'll give this a shot.

First of all, I would like to say that you have definitely a talent for poetry. Your imageries are unique, refreshing and easy to comprehend. The opening line is a good puller because it has captured my attention very well. Although there are some tiny problems I have seen.

However, you might want to watch out of your rhythmical inconsistencies. At the first stanza, it flows well because you have placed the punctuations on the right place and there's rhyming at the last word of each line. Then as I came across the second, it was a bit abrupt since the last two lines are only rhymed. Remember, if you're going to rhyming, be sure to stick with it throughout the poem.

long ago would be at each other's throats
(not down each other's throats),

I suggest you delete the phrase enclosed with parenthesis. It looks like a bit awkward to read and doesn't totally have a connection to the poem. If you want your readers to understand that highlighted lines without placing a parenthesis, then choose or rephrase that one out again. ^^

Another thing you should be aware are your repetition of words. (Repeated words are sense, glow and weary.)Sometimes, it's totally not nice to repeat a word twice in a row. Heard of thesaurus? ^^ Grab one or search other related words (that are very close to the word) in MS or internet, because repetition might weaken your prose. See? I have written "repetition" twice in a row... isn't that a bit displeasing to the readers? ^^


Kicking aside those nitpicks and negative comments, I thank you for the good read. Hope this helps and PM me for nay questions.

Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri