Lightheart - Chapter 1 - Part 2

Spoiler

Part two! I'm really excited at the reception of the first part. I really hope that this part is a good continuation! I know it's under the fantasy novel section and maybe some are wondering why, but it will be clear pretty quick!

I found myself almost dragging my feet once lunch time rolled around. Picking up my backpack, I looked over at the open classroom door. Over the people filing out, I managed to pick out Richard as he passed by the classroom. I found myself hurry to the door, but by the time I got there, he was already gone from my sight. I sighed. Why was I in such a hurry to catch a glimpse of him? Why was he being so nice to me? He didn’t even know me. And if he even did remotely remember me, did he not know the real reason why I had gotten expelled from the elementary school?

Shaking my head, I headed down the hallway toward where I knew the cafeteria was. Ali had told me that she would meet me there at lunch. Turning down another hallway, I felt uneasy when I realized that the cafeteria was just as crowded as the halls, if not more. I had to almost stand on my toes to see past the people crowding the entrance.

“Over here! Carmen! Over here!” Ali waved her arms from where she stood on her chair at the table she had acquired for us.

I smiled when I saw my cousin. Pushing my way past people, I slipped down into a chair next to Ali. Hearing my bag land on the ground with thud, I looked over at her.

“Enjoying school yet?” Ali asked with a smirk, reaching for the can of pop that sat on the table in front of her. “Bet you thought it would be a breeze.”

“Oh, I did,” I said, a bit ashamed for such a childish thought.

“You haven’t been in a public school for a long time, I don’t blame you.” Ali shrugged. Suddenly she was on her feet, her hands cupped around her mouth as she shouted across the cafeteria. “Hey Richard! Over here!”

I covered my face as people started to stare.

Richard grinned and said a quick goodbye to his friends as he made his way over to our table. I watched as he walked over toward us. The way he walked gave off such a cocky, know-it-all air that I had to look away. “Hey,” he said, dropping his backpack on the table. “How’s your first day going?” he asked, sitting down.

I looked up at him. There was something about him that definitely seemed different than the other boys in the school. He was more kind than I had expected from any teenage boy.

“Eh, it’s school,” Ali said with a shrug, opening up the small bag of chips she had pulled from her school bag.

I listened to the two of them talk as I opened up my bag and started to pull out my lunch. I had spent the night before pondering over what I was going to bring and I had finally settled on a simple ham and lettuce sandwich and a small green salad with Italian dressing.

Ali grabbed the Tupperware container, looking into it as she held it up. “Salad? You brought salad?” she asked with a laugh as she leaned back in her chair, popping a chip into her mouth. “You’re such a health nut.”

“Now now, Icy, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy lunch. At least someone thinks about their health,” Richard said with a teasing smile as he grabbed his lunch which consisted of a chocolate bar and a lumpy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I looked over at Richard. “It looks like you need a bit of help in that department,” I said, eyeing his lunch.

“I don’t really know how to cook,” Richard said between bites. “This is pretty much it.”

“It’s not that hard to cook,” I said, opening up my lunch. “It just takes patience and a bit of time to make sure you get everything right.”

“Would you show me some time?” Richard asked me, the simple question throwing me off guard.

“Well…I-I…” I found myself stumped. I had met this boy that morning, and already he was acting like we had known each other for years.

“You’re making her blush,” Ali said, taking a sip of pop.

I looked down at my salad. Why did Ali have to be so blunt?

Richard started to laugh. "I don't think she's embarrassed. I just think she doesn't know how to turn down such a pointless case like myself." He grinned my way and I looked up to meet his gaze.

I held his gaze for a moment before I had to force myself to look away. I reached for my water bottle, trying to distract myself. But there was something about his gaze that stopped me in my tracks. He made me feel like I could let go of my worries and just have fun.

"...men. Carmen! Get it together!" Ali brought me out of the my thoughts. "You just knocked over my pop!"

Oh.

Shoot.

Life here again to review!

So, this part of the chapter was more of character development than anything else. You showed us the main character's feelings and introduced us better to Richard. Sure, there was a little of Ali in it too, but she's stayed pretty much the same the whole chapter. And I'm not saying that is a bad thing, I personally like Ali's character very much.

Again, this was very well written with good grammar and I just found three nitpicks if I remember correctly...

Spoiler

I found myself hurrying to the door,

Just the wrong tense here.

Hearing my bag land on the ground with a thud, I looked over at her.

“Hey,” he said, dropping his backpack on the table. “How’s your first day going?” he asked, sitting down.

These two actions/quotes are too same. It felt... what's a good word... stubby, like someone was biting out the words, if you catch my drift. I'd change the word orders around a little, maybe like "Hey," he said, dropping his backpack on the table. He sat down on the opposite side of the table. "How's your first day going?" So that it doesn't repeat itself

Alrighty then, this chapter was really good overall. It was realistic, it flowed well (wasn't rushed or anything), and you kept on building a base for the plot. Now we already have three characters, and a it looks like a little romance is sparking up between two of them. Oh yeah, that was one point I had. The romance. The emotions of your MC are believable and don't seem forced. Great job on that, I tend to have a bit of a problem there usually. ^^

So, in a nutshell: good descriptions, plot moved forward solidly, believable characters, and a good, strong base for the rest of the story. Oh, and I liked the ending, bonus points for that.
Keep writing!

Yours truly,
|WaitingForLife|

I ended up reading this.

It flows well and its ending of it prompted a smile. The situation is so normal that the reader can relate easily to Carmen.

With the early introduction of the romantic element, keep treading carefully! So far it seems to go along easily but it's so early on I can't be certain with anything. If it keeps heading this way, continue to allow it time. Forcing it to happen too quickly will only ruin the quality of your writing.

By the way, I'm not sure if you're Canadian yourself when saying this but I will anyway. Thank you for using "pop" instead of "soda." I love it when writers use the correct slang from what country their setting happens to be in.

I found myself almost dragging my feet once lunch time rolled around. Picking up my backpack, I looked over at the open classroom door. Overit sounds like you repeat ’over’. I would say ’from the people filing out’ the people filing out, I managed to pick out Richard as he passed by the classroom. I found myself hurry to the door, but by the time I got there, no comma he was already gone from my sight. I sighed. Why was I in such a hurry to catch a glimpse of him? Why was he being so nice to me? He didn’t even know me. And if he even did remotely remember me, did he not know the real reason why I had gotten expelled from the elementary school?

Shaking my head, I headed down the hallway toward where I knew the cafeteria was. Ali had told me that she would meet me there at lunch. Turning down another hallway, I felt uneasy when I realized that the cafeteria was just as crowded as the halls, if not more. I had to almost stand on my toes to see past the people crowding the entrance. You repeat ‘halls’ and ‘hallways’ a lot in this paragraph. Try to find other words to replace them with.“Over here! Carmen! Over here!” Ali waved her arms from where she stood on her chair at the table she had acquired for us.

I smiled when I saw my cousin. Pushing my way past people, I slipped down into a chair next to Ali. Hearing my bag land on the ground with thud, I looked over at her.

“Enjoying school yet?” Ali asked with a smirk, reaching for the can of pop that sat on the table in front of her. “Bet you thought it would be a breeze.”

“Oh, I did,” I said, a bit ashamed for such a childish thought.

“You haven’t been in a public school for a long time, I don’t blame you.” Ali shrugged. Suddenly she was on her feet, her hands cupped around her mouth as she shouted across the cafeteria. “Hey Richard! Over here!”

I covered my face as people started to stare.

Richard grinned and said a quick goodbye to his friends as he made his way over to our table. I watched as he walked over toward us. The way he walked gave off such a cocky, know-it-all air that I had to look away. “Hey,” he said, dropping his backpack on the table. “How’s your first day going?” he asked, sitting down.

I looked up at him. There was something about him that definitely seemed different than the other boys in the school. He was more kind than I had expected from any teenage boy.

“Eh, it’s school,” Ali said with a shrug, opening up the small bag of chips she had pulled from her school bag. I thought he was asking Carmen, how come Ali answered?
I listened to the two of them talk as I opened up my bag and started to pull out my lunch. I had spent the night before pondering over what I was going to bring and I had finally settled on a simple ham and lettuce sandwich and a small green salad with Italian dressing.

Ali grabbed the Tupperware container, looking into it as she held it up. “Salad? You brought salad?” she asked with a laugh as she leaned back in her chair, popping a chip into her mouth. “You’re such a health nut.”

“Now now, Icy, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy lunch. At least someone thinks about their health,” Richard said with a teasing smile as he grabbed his lunch which consisted of a chocolate bar and a lumpy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I looked over at Richard. “It looks like you need a bit of help in that department,” I said, eyeing his lunch.

“I don’t really know how to cook,” Richard said between bites. “This is pretty much it.”

“It’s not that hard to cook,” I said, opening up my lunch. “It just takes patience and a bit of time to make sure you get everything right.”

“Would you show me some time?” Richard asked me, the simple question throwing me off guard.

“Well…I-I…” I found myself stumped. I had met this boy that morning, and already he was acting like we had known each other for years.

“You’re making her blush,” Ali said, taking a sip of pop.

I looked down at my salad. Why did Ali have to be so blunt?

Richard started to laugh. "I don't think she's embarrassed. I just think she doesn't know how to turn down such a pointless case like myself." He grinned my way and I looked up to meet his gaze.

I held his gaze for a moment before I had to force myself to look away. I reached for my water bottle, trying to distract myself. But there was something about his gaze that stopped me in my tracks. He made me feel like I could let go of my worries and just have fun.

"...men. Carmen! Get it together!" Ali brought me out of the my thoughts. "You just knocked over my pop!"

Oh.

Shoot.

I loved how you described their lunches, it sounded like you were describing their characters. Ali has pop and chips which go with her bubbly, chipper attitude. Richard with the sweet chocolate and lumpy peanut butter sandwich. Carmen with the perfectly prepared salad. It was fun to read.

Besides that, there wasn’t anything that popped in this chapter. In my opinion, it’s too soon for Carmen to be having feelings about Richard, especially it you want them to become best friends first. I just feel like I want some more time to get to know Richard for who he is before I hear the main character gush about all her feelings for him. Am I making sense? X)

I couldn’t find any grammatical errors here so good job with that.
Keep me posted on the next chapters!