Foot prints in the snow

This poem was simple, and of course was written well I sat in class on day bored, starring outside at the snow.
May I note, I had a lot on my mind this day, and sorry if it's in the wrong form... It's a poem about forgetting the past so I thought it'd be good here! Oh and it's shorter, most of my poems and short but deep.

Like foot prints in the snow,
making are print in the endless abyss,
we move forward creating our path,
just to have them covered ever so fast,
just to remind us to ignore the past,
and move forward into the abyss,
as are foot prints are covered ever so fast.

Oh, and yes I only did one version... Normally I take my poems and do two or three version to perfect them! But I hadn't any time with this one. Anyway, enjoy.

MaskedPoet wrote:This poem was simple, and of course was written well I sat in class on day bored, starring outside at the snow.
May I note, I had a lot on my mind this day, and sorry if it's in the wrong form... It's a poem about forgetting the past so I thought it'd be good here! Oh and it's shorter, most of my poems and short but deep.

Like foot prints in the snow,
making are print in the endless abyss,
we move forward creating our path,
just to have them covered ever so fast,
just to remind us to ignore the past,
and move forward into the abyss,
as are foot prints are covered ever so fast.

Oh, and yes I only did one version... Normally I take my poems and do two or three version to perfect them! But I hadn't any time with this one. Anyway, enjoy.

Woah. I really like this i don't see any faults!

Well.. i have a habit of putting "are" when i mean "our" XD ,my friend pointed it out so i edited it =p

Okay. Hopefully you'll forgive me if I'm too critical.

Like foot prints in the snow,
making are print in the endless abyss, Try instead "Marking our trail in the...."
we move forward, creating our path,
just to have them covered ever so fast, Replace "them" with "it."
just to remind us to ignore the past, Change this line to "a reminder to forget our past."
and move forward into the abyss,
as are foot prints are covered ever so fast.
One thing to take into account: "Footprints" is one word. I found it a bit odd looking at it as two.

I found this poem so-so. I guess it just didn't click for me, like it did for previous reviewers. Certain writing sounds beautiful to some, but not as good to others. But hopefully this review will prove useful nevertheless.

One thing I did like was your repetition of the word "abyss." It sustains the feeling of melancholy that you establish. And you did establish it pretty well. I think the small errors here and there distracted me from the point of the poem. However, I am excited for reading a revised version. I hope you consider my opinion, however harsh it is.

Thanks, all the reveiws are helpful and I think I'm going to take in all of it.
I'm going to add some of the stuff you guys said, but not just all of one persons cause some stuff draws the point of the poem away

Thanks again!

it was a nice poem i saw nothing wrong with it. I would actualy liked it more if it was longer, but it was deep.

My poems in english tend to be cut short, by the whyspers of children, and the beauty of the snow outside the window.

Hi there
Welcome to the site!
Now, onto the review.

Like footprints in the snow, ("footprints" is one word)
making our print in the endless abyss, "endless abyss" sounds a little too cliche to me- not only cliche, but it doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the imagery. I was thinking of a white winterland and then all of a sudden there's a looming black ball of endless doom that we're walking through? Maybe you could compare it rather to a white out or something.

we move forward creating our path,
just to have them covered ever so fast,
just to remind us to ignore the past,
and move forward into the abyss,
as our foot prints are covered ever so fast. Rather than "fast" in both of these instances, I would use quickly. Also, I would stress this element of the poem more- it's the point of emphasis, but I was paying more attention to the snow itself, rather than how it was disappearing. Just a thought.

Nice piece altogether- really like the concept.

-Coral-

I really liked this, short and sweet, made me smile.
It has really strong imagery and I felt like I was staring and watching
You have a real talent. And though you do say its short I think a little more length could be added.
Apart from that, Well done!

Thanks Lily,

This is a really beautiful emotional piece, it's short without being incomplete, you covered all the points you needed to make perfectly. I like the snow as well, it creates an idea of purity, and rebirth. the imagery is amazing as well.
Very good poem

Thanks again laura! Glad you enjoy my poetry.

You are right. Your poem seems perfect to go with a painting. reading this I have a painting I have been wanting to try with snow and a baren tree, all greyscale from weather.

Makes me wish I could combine the two!

Hmmm, Looking forward to seeing it.