Stranger

This isn't something that I've written to be taken seriously poem-wise. I haven't edited it at all, and it's really just an expression of my feelings about a very complicated friendship that I have. I've honestly never written anything about my own feelings, believe it or not, so it's really bad. Critique if you'd like, but I don't know how committed I am to editing it. This is really just me saying what I don't have the courage to admit to her face, which is horrible, I know. But I suppose that's life...


You told me something once about a dream of yours.
All you wanted in the world was to be beautiful
But you were beautiful already, more than you know
And everyone believed it but you

You needed attention to feel pretty, I know,
And with every meal you skipped and pound you lost
You got the response craved so badly.
Everyone wants you, but you’re becoming ugly where it counts

It’s been a year since it all started
And I can’t remember why we’re friends anymore
It’s not about the weight; I know it’s a disease
I just don’t recognise who it left behind.

I think the worst part is the lying.
You lie to everyone about everything and you don’t care.
You’re surprised when I’m the only friend you have left
But, truthfully, that was always my problem; I let you manipulate me

Every day you become more of a stranger
I hate cringing at those bones you wear so proud
The smoking, the drinking, every new low-life you kiss;
You’re too smart for this, and you’re throwing it all away.

You lost fifty pounds and lost your heart too;
Stretched yourself to nothing and blew away with the wind
I’ve tried my best to accept the ‘new you’ but I can’t anymore
I love you. I miss you. Just come back.

Very emotional poem. I think you really should take the time to go through it; it has potential.

The first thing you want to do is establish the flow of the poem in the very first stanza instead of toward the end.

You told me something once about a dream of yours. Good.
All you wanted in the world was to be beautiful I would change this to, "Your dream of being beautiful."
But you were beautiful already, more than you know *Knew*. This should be in the past tense; going back and forth between tenses is confusing.
And everyone believed it but you "You" and "knew" rhyme. Since there is no rhyming pattern established in the first two lines, I would recommend changing either this or the line before.

You needed attention to feel pretty, I know, I would change "pretty" to something a bit stronger; "gorgeous," perhaps?
And with every meal you skipped and pound you lost
You got the response craved so badly. "*You* craved so badly."
Everyone wants you, but you’re becoming ugly where it counts This is good.

Even after the first two stanzas, I am beginning to experience the emotions that you are sharing with the reader. Great job with stanza 3.

I think the worst part is the lying. How about, "Your lying mouth disgusts me," or something along those lines.
You lie to everyone about everything and you don’t care.
You’re surprised when I’m the only friend you have left
But, truthfully, that was always my problem; I let you manipulate me Consider reworking this.

The rest is very strong. The only quibble I have for the remainder of the poem is:

Every day you become more of a stranger
I hate cringing at those bones you wear so proud *Proudly*

Another thing that goes for the entire poem: Remember that although poetry can defy the laws of grammar, it is still subject to punctuation, so make sure to include proper punctuation wherever you find it lacking.

Very good job! I hope you follow through with this.

that has great hope in it. take a look in it. i am sure you can make it better than it already is.
good luck

You told me something once about a dream of yours.-i love the beginning! everything does start as a dream...hmm..inspiration coming on!
All you wanted in the world was to be beautiful-a bit awkward phrasing...
But you were beautiful already, more than you know
And everyone believed it but you

You needed attention to feel pretty, I know,
And with every meal you skipped and pound you lost
You got the response craved so badly.
Everyone wants you, but you’re becoming ugly where it counts-what is it! sorry, my inner grammar geek!

It’s been a year since it all started
And I can’t remember why we’re friends anymore-harsh, but makes sense
It’s not about the weight; I know it’s a disease
I just don’t recognise who it left behind.

I think the worst part is the lying.
You lie to everyone about everything and you don’t care.
You’re surprised when I’m the only friend you have left
But, truthfully, that was always my problem; I let you manipulate me

Every day you become more of a stranger
I hate cringing at those bones you wear so proud -nicely phrased
The smoking, the drinking, every new low-life you kiss;
You’re too smart for this, and you’re throwing it all away.

You lost fifty pounds and lost your heart too; -aww
Stretched yourself to nothing and blew away with the wind
I’ve tried my best to accept the ‘new you’ but I can’t anymore
I love you. I miss you. Just come back.-ends on a perfect note!