Dark,
The fingernails of shadow
Scrape at the window.
Fingers like a branch
Of a dead tree
Curl over the desk,
The chair,
And creep across the floor
Like a snake.
The wind is an owl,
Softly cooing as it glides smoothly
By the window.
I can see it,
A shadow in the
Blackest light,
It brushes against the tree
Outside,
And disappears over
The horizon.
It has caught a leaf
That it will eat
For dinner.
It is a strange bird.
But in its disappearance
Dawn arrives,
A milky lump of…
What?
Butter?
A protrusion of yellow-white,
Topped with a drop of shining
Syrup
That melts
Along the horizon.

Very nice. I love it. The flow you established is great, I read it very easily. As in scenery , you've described it very well, inside and outside , very well detailed and contoured. But no feelings. You didn't bring up anything. But that is no big thing. We all need to improve.
Very nice poem.

- Rob.

Great work buddy... And the title of the poem is just too good...

The flow is really marvelous and the small lines give a different look to the poem...
It is unique...

Keep up the good work mate

PM me for anything...

Although I like the content of the poem, I feel it do with being less fragmented at some points, perhaps to give it more structure. It feels rather randomly thrown together in terms of rhythm, and again, that may be because of the line structure. More lines doesn't necessarily add depth to a piece, but more fluidity is sacrificed as you stretch the content. I hope you understand what I mean by this, because the pace is solely reliant upon how often the reader has to change lines, not the use of punctuation.

Grammar is good, but the work lacks emotion, as Rob previously indicated. Although you try to portray the transition of darkness to light in the context of cold to warmth, it lacks any evocative techniques to let us as readers sense the change.

So, my top tip for this poem would be to compress some lines together, and make it more comfortable and fluid to read. I'm not trying to be destructive, but, we all have to face up to flaws. Don't worry about having a long poem, or piece. A good piece can be a 6-set stanza and still provoke the thoughts and values required.

~Elder

That was a very nice poem. I could really picture everything that was happening because you described it that well. Nice job.

good peom

Hey, great poem there was a really cool balance between the objective viewing of dawn occurring and the more familiar sight of how it effects the things surrounding us. I thought it was really clever and very well written, with interesting comparisons that make it very personal.
I don't really have any bad criticism, as I genuinely enjoyed reading it

Kafkaescence wrote:Dark,
The fingernails of shadow
Scrape at the window. While I love these lines, I have to admit, it's a pretty common image to the point where it's sort of lost the effect. For me, at least.
Fingers like a branch I'd use a different word instead of fingers, considering you used "fingernails" just two lines before. Also, I'd try and find a smoother transition between this sentence and the previous one.
Of a dead tree
Curl over the desk,
The chair,
And creep across the floor "creeping" would probably fit better, though if you're comparing it to a snake, I'd use a word such as "slithering" instead of "creeping." While "slithering" is commonly associated with snakes, it will blend in with what you're trying to say much better, in my opinion.
Like a snake.
The wind is an owl,
Softly cooing as it glides smoothly
By the window.
I can see it,
A shadow in the You've already used shadow once. In a longer poem, repeating words are easily tolerated. In a poem as short as yours, that's definitely something you want to avoid.
Blackest light, Love this line.
It brushes against the tree
Outside, This word isn't really significant enough to be its own line. I would suggest adding it to the previous one?
And disappears over
The horizon.
It has caught a leaf
That it will eat
For dinner.
It is a strange bird. This line and the three before are a bit awkward in light of the rest of the poem.
But in its disappearance
Dawn arrives,
A milky lump of…
What?
Butter? Again, awkward lines, along with the syrup description and all. I understand what you're trying to write here, but with the descriptions earlier in the poem (very dark, very serious), all of this breakfast talk is breaking the tension in a way that seems a bit off.. as if it was supposed to be part of a different poem. Not this one.
A protrusion of yellow-white, I like the word choice in this line.
Topped with a drop of shining
Syrup
That melts
Along the horizon.Minus the syrup bit, I adore the ending.

Overall, I like this. You have that nice little habit of capitalizing each. and. every. line... but looking past that, you have some great images going here All I suggest is that you work on your word choice a bit, and try not to tell the story so much. If the wind is an owl, don't tell us that. Show us, you know? I have the same problem too (we all do sometimes, really), so I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm a professional or anything (Lord knows that I am most definitely not anywhere close to that level). Just making suggestions that may help you improve. Obviously, you don't necessarily have to listen, because you're the one with the thoughts in your head - not me Great work, and keep it up!

Wow, imagery was fantastic. The first line is really good, by the way, as is the title. I think you did a really good job with writing this. The lines are the perfect length I think and it seems very thoroughly done. Did I spell that right? *Shrugs...