The Cave Between Lands, Chapter Two

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Fires are slow to die. Even when their feast has been reduced to sickly black blocks of char, one last remaining tendril of flame licks hungrily at the remains, swaying feebly in the air as one who is starved. Then at last it collapses into the coals, and a slight discoloration of smoke issues from its grave.

Felix wakes.



"Lavern!" laughs Felix as he wrestles me in the grass. He clings to my shoulder, tugging playfully. I see the green filaments of grass hanging above us sway as he pulls and grapples my larger body.

"Lavern." More serious now. I gaze at him inquisitively in response. His feathery golden hair, his innocent face. They all emanate youth.

"Do you think I will be able to--" his voice drops to a whisper, "To sing like Daddy?"

The question surprises me, but then I laugh.

"Just like him," I say. I love his smile.



It is my little brother's birthday.

A box of crayons. I even found some faded wrapping paper. Gold. It still shimmers in some places.

He loves to draw. He is good at it for his age.

But where is he? I dissect the entire cottage, small as it may be, but neither mother nor little brother can be found.
Father I know is not home. Perhaps my mother took him someplace. Of course that is what happened.

She took him someplace.

Not telling me.

No note.

Nothing.

Yes. Of course that is what happened.

I walk as briskly as possible down the path next to the lake, trying to disguise my urgency. My vigilance. Where could they be? The streets of my rural village are mostly empty. I would see them. Did they go in a shop? But it is early. And Sunday. It is a rare shop whose lights I find on.

A splash. A silent scream. Running feet. Then nothing.

And I am there, yelling his name. The golden hair sprawls spiderily in the gray water surrounding him. Wide eyes. Open mouth. No sound. Already he is beginning to fade: eyelids drooping, flailing limbs calming. But I am in the water before any of this registers in my mind.

Already I am halfway to him, but he is so far, so far from me....

His eyes slide shut.

I am surprised when finally my hands are grasping his shirt. Hazy blotches obscure my vision, but this is no time to pity my own oxygen deprivation.

When I surface and crawl to land, I allow myself only a few seconds of gasping before I set to work on Felix. Press my hand against his small chest. Feel his dim pulse.

Alive.

His eyes flutter open. Coughing. Water sprays from his mouth. I sigh and I lie down on my back. So tired.

"Happy Birthday," I say. That reminds me of something.

The present. I look up and see it, floating away, already so tiny. Though no sunlight pierces the clouds above, I catch it gleam as it disappears from view. Like soft golden hair.

I don't know how much time passes when Mother appears next to me, weeping. Seeing her, an unusual sense of anger seizes me. Who was she to let Felix almost drown? Who was she not to be there beside me in the very moments of his rescue? But I say none of this. Instead I watch her, her long brown hair shaking as she sobs, pregnant form shivering in the cold. Somehow I know this is not the time to admonish her. Felix is alive.

For now.

I think of the running footsteps I heard before I saw him. Had this been someone else's doing? But who would be heartless enough to try to murder a child, especially one as innocent as Felix? I look at him. His eyes are closed, not in death, but in sleep, and his chest rises and falls heavily. Like Mother, there will be another time to question him.

That is what I think.

I am so wrong.



I am in bed. It is night.

Yet this night is different. Blacker. Like a fog, creeping out of a cave in thin onyx tendrils.

Sleep does not accept me into its realm. Feverishness gnaws at my head. Its saliva is warm. I drown in the sea of sheets.

A ringing sound stabs at my ears. It takes me a few dreadful seconds to realize it is a scream.

My shoulder hits the floor. It takes me hours and hours to extricate myself from the sticky grip of my blankets. Then I am at his bed, staring at the empty mattress.

The scream does not disappear until morning.
Last edited by Kafkaescence on Mon Jan 31, 2011 8:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Hey Kafka, here I am for chapter two!

Okay, so this was interesting. First off, I'm a little confused. I'm not sure what's going on -- when you left off in chapter one, he had gone into the cave where his father had died. Now, is this something he's reliving in the cave? Just a memory? A different time altogether? I think you need to clarify just what's going on; use past tense if he's reminiscing, or explain how he got out of the cave, or explain that this is what he's feeling now inside of the cave.

I dissect the entire cottage, small as it may be, but neither mother nor sibling can be found.


Just a little nitpick, but this has such a disconnected sound. Using "brother" would make him seem closer. After all, you were specific with "mother" instead of a generic "parent."

The golden hair sprawls spiderily in the gray water surrounding him.


"Spidery."

The present. I look up and see it, floating away, already so tiny.


I have no idea what to picture here. Last I read, he was walking through his deserted village. Now he's somewhere, I'm guessing a lake or a pond, where his brother's almost drowned and the present's floating off. Where exactly is he? We need to have the setting described to us beforehand.

Okay, so that's all I've got to say about this chapter. I'd say the only thing you need to watch is the personableness of your narrator -- right now, he's so very impassive and matter-of-fact, just telling what happens as it happens to him in a fragmented way, and I'm not feeling much of a connection with him. I'm not going, "Wow, this kid reminds me of so-and-so/I really like him/I'm rooting for him." Nothing like that; I view him more as a vessel that's telling a story to me instead of a living, breathing character (if that makes sense) that I want to know more about. Give him some more personality and delve into his psyche.

All right, I'll hopefully be working on chapter three soon! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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This is shaping up to be one of the coolest stories I've ever read, period. The entire narrative oozes a dreamlike, almost eerie quality. I almost want to wait until the entire novel is finished so I can just sit down and read the whole thing in one sitting.

My only complaint is that the story is almost too dreamlike, as it's a little hard to follow what's going on. If you're going for a fantasy version of LOST, then I think you're going to succeed :)

Nitpicking aside, I'm excited to move on to the next chapter as soon as I can :) Keep it up! You're probably going to be the next Stephen King, and no, I'm not kidding :)
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman




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Hey Kafka,
So here I am to review your second chapter.

Fires are slow to die. Even when their feast has been reduced to sickly black blocks of char, one last remaining tendril of flame licks hungrily at the remains, swaying feebly in the air as one who is starved. Then at last it collapses into the coals, and a slight discoloration of smoke issues from its grave.


I really like this opening paragraph. It reeled me in very nicely. Well done.
I think you should change the word "blocks" in "sickly black blocks of char" to something else. It disrupts the flow a bit.

"Lavern." More serious now. I gaze at him inquisitively in response. His feathery golden hair, his innocent face. They all emanate youth.


I don't like the word "emanate" here. If you were narrating in the third person, that might be okay, but I don't see this character saying that. It's a bit out of place. Also, emanate means to "come from" or to "send out", so although I know what you are trying to say, it doesn't make perfect sense.

And I am there, yelling his name. The golden hair sprawls spiderily in the gray water surrounding him. Wide eyes. Open mouth. No sound. Already he is beginning to fade: eyelids drooping, flailing limbs calming. But I am in the water before any of this registers in my mind.


I had to read this several times, and still I was confused.

I think of the running footsteps I heard before I saw him. Had this been someone else's doing?But who would be heartless enough to try to murder a child, especially one as innocent as Felix? I look at him. His eyes are closed, not in death, but in sleep, and his chest rises and falls heavily. Like Mother, there will be another time to question him.


I think that you should have something in place of that question, or just omit it altogether. It's a little unnecessary. Also (and yes, I know this is a bit ridiculous), people naturally breathe with their stomachs, not their chests. You'll never see a baby breathing with their chest, because it's not the natural way to breathe. People who breathe through their chest are forcing their breath that way, so if Felix is unconscious, he would be breathing through his stomach. I like the way that you depicted him here, but, anyway, it's at your discression.

I really like your writing style. I was very confused at times, but I eventually understood everything that you were trying to say. I'll get to reading chapter three as soon as possible.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
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