1) What are the chances that she would run into her brother of all people at this random area? He wasn't heading home, was he? It's assumingly a bit past 12 at that time - where did he come from? Who pulls over to pick up a random person on the side of the road? Especially when it's raining?
2) The whole part about going to the supermarket can be cut out. Doesn't add anything to the story. It's also boring, to be honest. Zoey doesn't even think once about her sister when in her brother's car. Which I also found is odd.
So, to fix these two problems (as I see it) would be to do these things:
While Zoey has never been in this neighbourhood before, I think she should keep walking. Keep walking until she finds a 24/7 convenience store or something. At the store she can ask the manager to use the phone and ring Luke to pick her up (as she doesn't want to wake and worry her parents). I assume Luke doesn't live at home, maybe has a small apartment in the city or something.
So Luke goes and picks her up at the convenience store. They don't go to his apartment or his boring place of employment, instead Zoey tells him immediately what happened with Aimee. Luke should be in on Aimee's frequent absconding, and waves it off (instead of being protective, he can instead find it funny. Zoey should feel less worried about the whole thing, which will make the news even more heartbreaking). He drives her home and the rest is fine.
I just found the whole supermarket thing a tad long and boring.
Okay, so I may be misinterpreting things (okay, I probably am... >.>) but the way I read this, Zoey was hiding at the beginning. Which, how could Luke see her there then; why would he stop? Okay, so even if she were standing in the middle of the street, it's dark, it's raining, my guess is that any help her light hair gave in IDing her, it's all but gone. Besides, a lot of people have really light hair. So what I'm saying is, why would Luke stop? After all, if I were him, I'd probably just tell myself that it was really someone else and to keep driving, considering Zoey's the kind of person who would never sneak out - other than this time, of course.
Another thing I noticed is, Luke's reaction was... I don't know, it was good I guess, but it wasn't amazing. It didn't really make me believe it. There was just something in how loud, then quiet, then loud again he got, and the language he used, all with his parents just sort of sitting there. And why did he have to be told first, then have to take Zoey aside from everyone who already knew to tell her? I think it would have made a much better impact if they were told at the same time. I think the impact would be greater. And I know you're trying to create suspense by us seeing what his reaction is without knowing why, but from Charlie's POV we already pretty much know; now, we just want it confirmed. So, it's a little annoying to have to wait through all of that.
My only last thing isn't really a critique... more like an observation that may or may not hold any merit. It's just, this seems a little long. Like, there's a lot of unnecessary stuff. Well, not unnecessary, but it's given too much time. Like the car ride, the kitchen scene - it's on the verge of dragging. I think you could cut down on it, just taking out bits of sentences or words here or there, maybe the odd paragraph. And it's go a lot quicker, which will make it more interesting to read. Don't get me wrong - this is still interesting to read, and it's not enough to make me want to stop - I just think it can be improved upon. Does that make sense?
So, good chapter, all in all (though I'm not going to inflate your ego any more by going into detail about how wonderful it is). I hope I actually helped for once. >.>
loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."
Not to give a fluffy review, but I love this story so far. It's tense, emotional, and gripping.
About your writing in general, I really like your descriptions, and how well you fit into your characters minds. Again you have introduced another wonderful and vivid character.
I won't go through repeating what I've already said, just caution you to remember those repetitions and overused commas. Another thing I noticed is descriptions repeated, even though not word for word. You keep refering to Zoey's eyes, when they sting, when they fill with tears, it gets a bit bland. You've mentioned she trembles when she's scared, but what else does she do when she's upset? Some people get running noses, some people feel really hot, others find it harder to breath. You've done well showing emotional reactions to events, just use the same amount of variation and creativity when thinking about the physical reactions to the emotions.
There are a few things which could be nitpicked at, like Luke randomly driving down the same road, or how he doesn't seem to be bothered enough to go looking for Aimee, but I think it works. Going against general reviewing ettiquet I would disagree with SeeminglyMeaningless about the supermarket idea. I really liked Luke's reaction to finding Zoey unexpectedly. I guess... someone could have told him they saw her so he took a different way home to check it out? I don't know, but I do like the coincidence of this scene.
Luke seems to show a preference towards Zoey over Aimee, based on how gentle he is with her and yet how he responds to Aimee sneaking out, which, if he is used to Aimee's behaviour, would make sense. If this is the case then playing up on that a bit more might help some of the elements of this scene fit together better.
