Crumbled (Into Place)

I wrote this really quick because i wanted to post something. I figured this would be good to post. It progresses really quickly so please review and tell me what you think. I know i'm no the best at editing but here it is:

Lina's point of view:
Down by the train tracks it was silent. Silently, I exhaled seeing my foggy breath in the chilly night. I paced around, with my feet heavily dragging as I pondered in my thoughts. Should I do it?

Carefully, I stepped over the tracks and I let my feet hit the metal railings. I felt the gravel crumble under my converse, and I looked up and saw the beautiful stars above. Not every night was there a sky like that. Not every person was lucky enough to see the stars shine that bright. Not like that. Could this be a sign that I shouldn’t? Was this what was trying to stop me?

I stepped onto the rail, and walked the new metal like a tight rope. I had carefully balanced myself. I was centered. Step after step, each one felt easier than the one before. If only life could be that simple. It never had been for me. I made my decision and I waited.

The night was darker than I expected. Empty cabooses and train cars sat empty in the yard. It was then when I heard a noise.

It started off low and hushed. Slowly, it rose to something louder and louder. I could see the train speeding down the tracks. It was a brown colored train labeled: The Gateway. I thought it was funny, so I laughed what I thought would be my last laugh, and I looked forward; my eyes set.

Was this a mistake? Should I back out now? I had time to jump out of the middle of the train tracks. I had time to swerve the thundering train but I didn’t. My heart beat sped up and it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I blinked a few times to make sure it wasn’t an illusion. The train came at me fast; the headlights pounding through the inside my head. My thoughts drilled deeper but at the last second I was thinking, here I go.

Aiden's point of view:
I ran as fast as I could, my legs feeling the rush of adrenaline. Quickly, I aimed and jumped myself at Lina as she had her arms outstretched in front of the train. What was she thinking?

We landed in a heap on the ground, on the other side of the tracks, as the train sped up without even noticed what had happened. Where was the driver? I looked at Lina’s beautiful face. How could she have tried to do that?

“Lina,” I whispered. “Are you okay?”

There was no answer from her. “Lina!” I yelled. I shook her. Still no answer from her. I put my cold fingers to her neck, and felt her pulse. I sighed in relief and then headed back to where I knew she’d be safe.

She awoke around 2 a.m. About an hour after what she had tried to do. We were sitting in my tree house I had built about seven years ago when I was ten. The wood was still in tack and there were still a few working lamps since my younger brother occasionally camped up here. We were perched in a strong oak tree overlooking the whole city. There was only one window and one way out of the small tree house in the floor boards.

I had spent the hour looking at Lina and looking out the window and staring at the train yard we had just come from. I was so glad I had been there at exactly in the right moment.

She had long brown hair that cascaded past her face, and pale porcelain skin. Her nose sloped down and her lips were full and round. When I saw Lina move, I immediately alternated by staring blankly out the window.

“Ah, my head,” Lina put her hand to her head. Her eyes fluttered open revealing evergreen eyes that slightly sparkled. “What happened?” Lina’s face was obviously confused as she looked at me as if she couldn’t remember.

“You were standing in front of a train, and I pushed you out of the way,” I explained calmly. My tone didn’t change at all. Then we remained silent.

Lina rubbed her forehead trying to comprehend. “Oh, right.”

“What were you thinking, Lina?” I sat back against the wall of the tree house as she was sitting in the only plastic chair. Her nose scrunched up trying to think.

“I was thinking that the train yard would be the end of it,” Lina said quietly. She tucked her hair back behind her ears and I opened my mouth to speak but she interrupted me. “Before you go about judging me, I felt like that was what I need to do. Everyone in the school hates me and wants me out of their lives. My parents just got divorced, and to top it all off, I think I’m falling in love with my best friend. But, I don’t think he even thinks of me that way.”

Lina scooted over to me and she was wrapped in my arms. “I’m scared, Aiden.” Her head lay on the top of my shoulder as I could feel her wet tears seeping down the side of her face.

I comforted her, “its okay. You’re safe now.” She sniffed.

She curled up closer and I could feel her warmth and the rush of her skin. Lina cried, “But everyone already knows what I was doing tonight at the train yard, and no one came to stop me. Everyone’s going to think I’m crazy.”

Quietly, I shook my head, “I came for you.”

She looked at me with those big emerald eyes, and we kissed. Somewhere in the middle, Lina whispered, “you’re my best friend.” And we continued.

A very touching text indeed. I really liked Linas' point of view. I think it had more emotion an better description of the scenery than Aidens'. I love how you used those mixed feeling in the dialogue they had.
The entire story really touched me, it is really cute and innocent.
Even though the idea is kind of a cliche , [ girl trying to kill herself, guy comes to the rescue, they end up together ] you made it sound much more differently than the others. You made it more minimalistic , no exagerated scenes and climax , which I really liked.
Please develop it.
Good job and keep writing!
*bows*

Hello there.

Down by the train tracks it was silent. Silently, I exhaled seeing my foggy breath in the chilly night.

You repeated Silent two times... You should search for a synonym which would do the same in the sentence.

Quickly, I aimed and jumped myself at Lina as she had her arms outstretched in front of the train.

Jumped myself? I think it would sound better if you would take out the "myself" in there.

as the train sped up without even noticing what had happened.

The wood was still in tack and there were still a few working lamps since my younger brother occasionally camped up here.

Intact?

I had spent the hour looking at Lina and looking out the window comma and staring at the train yard we had just come from. I was so glad I had been there at exactly in the right moment.

I sat back against the wall of the tree house as she was sitting in the only plastic chair. Her nose scrunched up as she tried to think.

Whoa, she was unconscious in a plastic chair? I would rather be asleep, or whatever, on the floor, in a heap of blankets? I also think that he would want her to be comfortable as well.

Lina scooted over to me and I wrapped her in my arms.

That was a cute story. Rob is right, when I think about it, it's a cliche story, but when I read it, I didn't quite think it was cliche. Good job for that. I love the feel of the emotions.

Keep writing!

-Other One

I especially loved the opening. It was different, it was unique.

May I commend you on your amazing ability to create such dramatic scenes in such a short and quickly moving piece of work as yours? I was in awe as to how easily I was taken to the chilly, dark, and eerie trainyard, and then whisked away to this warm and comforting old treehouse. I want to know the secret to how you did this so cleanly .

Cheers!

-Mazey

Hello there Nissa Truth here for a review!
First, I'll start with the nitpicks... what can I say, I'm a nitpicker!

Silently, I exhaled seeing my foggy breath puff in the chilly night

Here I would just suggest adding 'puff', I feel it completes the sentence well.

Carefully, I stepped over the tracks and I let my feet hit the metal railings.

The second 'I' in there is understood, there's no need in putting it in there because you only repeat yourself for nothing.

It was then, comma that when I heard a noise.

I think this is what you meant?

I could see the train, comma speeding down the tracks.

The train came at me fast; the headlights pounding through the inside of my head

Missing an 'of'.

Quickly, I aimed and threw myself at Lina as she had her arms outstretched in front of the train.

As Other pointed out.. this does not really make sense, but I would rather put 'threw' in and keep the 'myself' as well.

We were sitting in the tree house I had built about seven years ago when I was ten.

Or

We were sitting in my tree house, comma that I had built about seven years agowhen I was ten.

Either work

The wood was still in tack and there were still a few working lamps left, comma since my younger brother occasionally camped up here.

The lamps were 'left' there.

There was only one window, comma and the only way out was through the floorboards.

It makes more sense that way, if this is what you meant.

“Ah, my head,” Lina put her hand to her head. Her eyes fluttered open, comma revealing evergreen eyes that sparkled slightly, comma “What happened?”

Just switch 'sparkled' and 'slightly' so it makes 'sparkled slightly'.

Her nose scrunched up, comma she was trying to think.

Alright, a nose cannot really think for itself, but Lina can.

Overall, I thought it was a touching story. Really cute, with lots of emotions in it. I could feel for the characters. You're a pretty good narrator It was really great! Love it! Keep on writing.

-Truth-

I really liked the two alternating points of view, each so different. I liked knowing what was going on in both characters heads! tats a really clever way to write.
your description is wonderful, really insightful. like you actually know of this place! it's great and real.