Vanish - Chapter 1

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This is my first novel here on YWS - feel free to give me the "red carpet" review... so be as brutal and honest as possible. I'm very open to suggestions! (I'm going to regret that later, aren't I? :smt003 )

The title is... only temporary, I think, or maybe it will stick. Who knows? Halfway through the story I will most likely be inspired to change it.

It seems incredibly short on here, doesn't it? It is longer on paper, believe me.
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Chapter One

Mazey barreled into the man and knocked his face down hard on the street. She fumbled quickly through his pockets, and before he even realized what had happened, she was already gone and sprinting through the crowd with his purse of gold.

The crowd was always fast; always moving, and she was enveloped by the colors and noise of the people around her. No one would catch her in this crowd of people. No one would even suspect her as a thief.

She pulled her dark hood up, shielding her eyes from the beating sun as a sly smile spread across her pale face. She was satisfied with her plunder, smirking as she squeezed the coins together in her palm, hearing the metal clink and scrape together. In a kingdom where gold was valued more than people, she happily took it wherever it could be found.

"Why do you steal?" her father had once asked her. She was but a child; ignorant and foolish, and was easily caught by him.

"Because I am good at it," was her innocent reply. His questions did not hurt her, for he did not inflect upon them a feeling of reprimand or dislike, but that of a strong and genuine curiosity.

"And why are you good at it? Did someone teach you?" he had bent down to her and stroked her hair, smiling warmly at her, his curiosity bubbling.

She had blushed then and looked down at her toes, wiggling them on her feet, "I just am, Father. Nobody taught me."

"Oh?" he said, "and since nobody has taught you, how do you know you are good?"

At this she raised her eyes. There was a twinkle in them, like a star; two pale-green lights looking up at her father.

"Because they can't see me," she said.

He laughed at her then, but warmly, "You may be small, my child, but not so small that you cannot be seen."

She cocked her head, confused as to why her father would laugh at her.

"Is this why you love me, Father?" she lightly placed her hands by her father's eyes, "Is it because you do not know what I am?"

"What do you mean?" he held her sweet hands to his face, "Of course I love you. I would love you no matter what you were."

"Would you still love me, then, if I told you why they cannot see me?"

"Even then-"


A hard hand slammed down on her shoulder, clenching and pushing her down in pain. The crowd blurred and twisted as terror shot though her veins.

"You thought you could get away, didn't you, thief?"

Mazey scrambled to get away from the man by flailing her arms free of his hold, but he stopped her easily by flipping down her hood and then yanking back on her tangled mass of ebony hair in one swift motion.

"Let me go!" she shrieked, "I did nothing to you!" her hands slapped at his, but he did not budge.

"Liar!" the man yelled, hearing his gold jingling on her person.

Visions of her father flashed through her mind. What would it do to him to have her taken away? How would he survive without her care?

"Let me go," she sobbed, finally dropping her hands, "I'll give you your money." She shakily drew the pouch from underneath her ratted cape. "Just let me go."

He took the money but continued his tight hold on her, "Now why would I do that?"

A cord within her snapped, "Let me go!" with all of the strength she had, she elbowed him hard in the groin, doubling him over. He gasped and let go of her hair.

Like a lithe deer, she darted off, pushing past people as fast as she could. He was chasing her, and she knew it from the exclamations of men and women behind her as the man knocked them down at her pursuit.

She ran faster and weaved through the streets as intricately as possible, but this man was filled with so much rage that he continued to follow her.

Then a giant rock of despair fell deep in her stomach as she looked back at him once more, and Mazey realized she had to do the one thing her father had ever asked her not to.

Her ears bubbled and popped, and the world around her quickly changed to whites and grays. Mazey could feel her skin growing light, and her spine shivered as she started to phase from view. Shadows curled around her fingers in wispy strands, and soon they entangled her entire body. They pulsed around her, moving and twisting into a cocoon.

Then the shadows scattered, and Mazey had vanished.

She was gone.

Screams erupted in the crowd. Women ran and men stumbled backwards. A merchant’s stand collapsed as a child fell back on it, and it let loose giant striped melons that were trampled as they rolled across the street.

Amidst the chaos, her chaser had stopped cold. He did not run. He did not scream and flee. He simply stood, tilting his head and pursing his lips.

Mazey felt a tug at the recesses of her mind, a slight pull on her thoughts. Light yet noticed, it was like a child’s pulling at the corner of her dress or shirt. She caught her breath.

His amber eyes glowed with a savage inner fire as his gaze remained still.

She could feel the tugging grow stronger until a thought that was not her own pierced her mind. It was crisp and clear, loud enough to hear above the clamor within the market. A chill crawled down her spine.

I was hoping you’d find me.
Last edited by Mazey on Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:31 am, edited 6 times in total.
"Write what you want to read."




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i liked this. i thought it was interesting. the way the main character (sorry i forgot her name) was stealing and she was also having visions of her past by recalling a conversation with her father. um, the only thing that you lacked was description. it didn't talk about the man she was stealing from or what her father looked like. you could only guess (and it was hard). I enjoyed the way the story flowed without hesitation and how "everything happening so fast" was captured correctly without rushing. keep this going, i want to read more.

good luck on this novel. i think it will turn out really great. (:

best wishes, Nessa




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This is a nice start. I especially love the reflection: it adds a sense of background in a way that is very powerful in the opening chapters. That said, may I suggest shortening it a bit?
Another point of critique I would like to make is the line, "Now why would I do that?" These words are heavily cliched, and a bit out out of (the apparent) character. I would encourage changing this.
There are also a few points where you could add in a bit more detail, like the chase, or her struggle with the man.
With all the critique over with, I must say I enjoyed reading this piece. I hope you continue writing!
#TNT

WRFF




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Wow… holy crap do I want to know what’s going to happen next.

Okay, so let’s run over a few quick things: For an actually book chapter this is terrible short. Maybe consider compounding four or five chapters into one whole chapter with different parts. I’m particularly bad at this, but it’s just a suggestion.

Next… I really want to read the next chapter. I’m not going to lie; I’m a little stunned that someone as young as you can write something this good. It just has a sense of tension that is kind of driving me nuts to get to the next chapter. It reminds me of reading Korean web comics, I know the next chapter will be up soon ((in your case I hope it will)), but I really don’t want to wait.

I’m getting the sense that she vanished in public, which could cause a stir. That being said I’m not sure. The character of Mazey seems really interesting, and with the description of her father I 1) automatically like him and 2) think he has some kind of disease where his mind is gone... don’t ask me why.

This is very short, but I’ve read other stories this evening where the pacing is much worse. This is very tight, but I think that for an actual book you should expand the chapters more. I feel like this would be a really fun read, and I hope that you finish it. If this first chapter is any indication, this will be really good. :D
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Hiya!

A sly smile drew on her face as the unfortunate man's yellings faded behind her, and as she tucked her newfound wealth beneath her cloak while squeezing it in her hand just to hear the coins clink and scrape across each other.

This sentence sounds like a run-on to me. Maybe you could find a way to break it up?
A sly smile spread across her pale face as the unfortunate man’s yelps echoed farther behind her. She was satisfied with her plunder, smirking as she squeezed the coins together in her palm, hearing the metal clink and scrape together.

Mazey scrambled to get away from the man by flailing her arms free of his hold, but he stopped her easily by yanking back on her mass of tangled hair.

What color was her hair? You could easily slip it in here.

Visions of her father flashed through her mind. What would it do to him to have her taken away? How would he survive without her care?
This feels oddly phrased. Maybe something like ‘With a pang of worry, she wondered what would happen to him if she were caught. Would he survive without her care?

"Let me go," she sobbed, finally dropping her hands, "I'll give you your money." She shakily drew the pouch from underneath her cape. "Just let me go."
What kind of cape was it? What color was it? Texture?

I really like what you’ve got here, but I think with a bit of editing this can be even better.

First, description. There’s not very much at all! I don’t know what kind of city this is, or the time period, or the time of day, or any physical description of Mazey, her father, or the man she stole from. It’s hard to picture. From the vision in my head, I imagined it to be a kind of market place, at night, lit up with an orange tint from lights. Mazey had blonde hair, fair skin, and hazel eyes, her dad had hazel eyes and black hair. The man she stole from was fairly tall with an oblong face.
If that’s not what you had imagined, you need to specify, because otherwise the readers will just assume and you won’t be very much of a storyteller then!

I enjoyed the flashback with her father. It brings out a lot about both their characters, that Mazey, for as long as she can remember, has been a thief. Also, that her dad is un-judgmental, kind, and loves his daughter.

Stories about thieves are always exciting, and it looks like you’ve created a very original character here. Feels like the start of a great novel!


If you post more of this, could you let me know? I’d love to read it :)
Let me know if you’ve got any questions!
~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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I edited a little bit of it, and if you care to read it again - it's really just descriptions.

If you don't want to read it again - Mazey has brown hair. It's daytime. The man she steals from is of no real importance to the story, so description isn't quite necessary with him. You'll hear more about Mazey's father in chapter two (description-wise) - so don't worry about him at the moment. Umm... I kind of hinted as to the era/time of the novel, with using the word "kingdom" and "gold" in the same sentence (I know there are still kingdoms around today, but not that many, if any, that still use actual gold as currency... right? If I'm wrong - PLEASE tell me!), I also kind of described the cape Mazey was wearing - as people don't generally wear capes today, I figured it would also elude to the fact that my story is set in a medieval-ish era fantasy world. (What would that be, like the 1300's or something? Hmm, I should probably research that... and post up maps that I've drawn. That would probably help, wouldn't it?)

Thank you guys for your kind reviews!
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I skimmed through it again, and wow, great job with adding description. It's exactly what I was talking about! Keep it up!
I'll get to part 2 asap :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Ok, so I'm kind of new at this, but I'm going to do what other's are doing.

1. I love the beginning. The first sentence got me hooked.
2. You gave good descriptions of the surroundings.
3. I love the little background memory
4. I like the preview/glimpse of the father. It makes me wonder what is wrong with him and why would he need Mazey to be there for him.
5. Cliffie (I honestly hate these, but they're good in the way that they keep a reader wanting more)

All in all, I love the story. :) I can't wait to read more.

P.S. I love the name Mazey. It's... intriguing. :)




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Hiya Mazey!
It's Spitfire's time to shine 8)

Mazey wrote:"Why do you steal?" her father had once asked her. She was but a child; ignorant and foolish, and was easily caught by him.

"Because I am good at it," was her innocent reply. His questions did not hurt her, for he did not inflect upon them a feeling of reprimand or dislike, but that of a strong and genuine curiosity.

"And why are you good at it? Did someone teach you?" he had bent down to her and stroked her hair, smiling warmly at her, his curiosity bubbling.

She had blushed then and looked down at her toes, wiggling them on her feet, "I just am, Father. Nobody taught me."

"Oh?" he said, "and since nobody has taught you, how do you know you are good?"

At this she raised her eyes. There was a twinkle in them, like a star; two pale-green lights looking up at her father.

"Because they can't see me," she said.

He laughed at her then, but warmly, "You may be small, my child, but not so small that you cannot be seen."

She cocked her head, confused as to why her father would laugh at her.

"Is this why you love me, Father?" she lightly placed her hands by her father's eyes, "Is it because you do not know what I am?"

"What do you mean?" he held her sweet hands to his face, "Of course I love you. I would love you no matter what you were."

"Would you still love me, then, if I told you why they cannot see me?"

"Even then-"

Whoa. This part really got me intrigued. Why is it her father doesn't mind her stealing? Hmm..questions..

I must say, the only thing I would add to this chapter is a little description of the man Mazey robbed. At first when she knocked him down so easily, I mentally pictured him as a normal guy, not too strong. But as you kept going, from the fact that he could spot her and hold her still, I imagined him as the strong type instead. And then when you said he chased after her in fury, all I could imagine was a short big bald guy. (don't ask me why, that's just as it came out) I think you should give just a few hints here and there of what he looks like, so we can have some kind of idea of him.

Having said that, great chappy. You've really hooked me on your very first chapter, and that's not all too easily done. You write very well, and I look foreward to reading the rest of this story. I don't know if you've posted any other chapters yet, I'll have to check that out, but if not, PM me for the next one; I'll gladly review it for you ;)
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Okey dockey. Just read the added paragraphs. Pretty good. Pretty darn good. :P

Mazey wrote:His amber eyes glowed with a savage inner fire as his gaze remained still.

She could feel the tugging grow stronger until a thought that was not her own pierced her mind. It was crisp and clear, loud enough to hear above the clamor within the market. A chill crawled down her spine.

I was hoping you’d find me.

This part was creepy. He could see her and talk in her mind?? *shivers*
It's the kind of thing every one gets the chills from, lol

Can't wait for next chappy :)
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Hey Mazey!

I didn't catch any grammar mistakes that others haven't already pointed out, so this review isn't going to be very constructive in that sense.

The only thing that stood out to me, was the flashback. I know the flashback takes place when she is a child and I was wondering how old exactly? The way you make her talk makes her sound older and wiser than say, a six year old, but it would be okay if she were twelve. I don't know why. It could have just been your intention to make her sound polite and respectful when speaking to her father, but to me, her speech sounded grown up.

"Is this why you love me, Father?" she lightly placed her hands by her father's eyes, "Is it because you do not know what I am?"


In this sentence, I pictured her as at least ten. If you meant for her to be ten, eleven, twleve, then ignore me as the dialougue would be perfect - I'd suggest adding in how old she is in the flashback though, just so it's clear to the reader. If you meant her to be a small child, five, six, then I'd suggest making her sound more childlike. I hope I don't sound mean :(

Apart from that, I think this was excellent! I loved your description throughout and the whole piece flowed really well :)

The plot so far is brilliant and I'm definitely going to carry on reading this. You have me hooked!

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex
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