Clumsy

Fumbling fingers turning sideways
in their clumsy confusion-
handholding really wasn’t so difficult,
but I knew that you were
flustered-blustered, red-faced
and cute with embarrassed
words, stuttering a bit before giving it
up into a grin.



I'm not sure this works as a stand alone, and am thinking of lengthening it- thoughts?

Hey,

This is a nice little poem; it contains a lot of emotion, and seems, forgive my lack of professionalism in poetry, to be well written. But in my opinion, it's not really how it's written that makes it good; it's why it's written and the meaning behind the words (in poetry at least). So, I thought this to have a deep meaning, especially for being so short.

On another note, it does seem like it's missing the, ah, climax, if you may. It feels like the poem is building up into something, and then you get to the ending and you feel like you step of a step, expecting another step, and find ground instead, causing a mild heart-attack. (A little exagerated but oh well )
I'd consider lengthening it.

Hope I helped at all, ^^
|WaitingForLife|

Great! It was a perfect and sweet poem. Short and sweet. I loved it and would love to give you points for it. I won't though because my points are valuable to me. 55 points for your overall performance.

Hey, this was a really sweet little poem!

Fimbling fingers turning sideways
in their clumsy confusion --
handholding really wasn’t so difficult,
but I knew that you were
flustered-blustered, red-faced
and cute with embarrassed words,
words, stuttering a bit before giving it
up into a grin.

This was really sweet! I love how realistic the description actually is, and it's so easy to picture! I also love that word "fimbling"; I'll have to make a mental note to use it later on!

-- Flux

Persephoneia wrote:
Fimbling fingers turning sideways
in their clumsy confusion-
handholding really wasn’t so difficult,
but I knew that you were
flustered-blustered, red-faced
and cute with embarrassed words,
words, stuttering a bitbefore giving it
up into a grin.

Hey there,

Above, I've quoted your piece and pointed out a few pieces I think need improving. For example, sometimes you make your lines too wordy and long when it isn't needed and is only losing the overall effect of your poetry. I have highlighted the word "Fimbling" because there is no such word in a dictionary, slang or otherwise. Here are the definitions of the word fimble:

Definitions of fimble on the Web:

•the male hemp plant
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/fimble

•Fimbles is a British television programme designed for pre-school children. The Fimbles are Fimbo, Florrie and Baby Pom, who all live in a bright, lush and colourful place called Fimble Valley. Fimbles is produced by Novel Entertainment who created the characters.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fimbles

I am pretty sure neither of these are what you're trying to create an image of, so perhaps you were meant to be using the word fumble? Should it in fact be "Fumbling fingers"? Or is there a reason for using the word Fimbling in this context? I understand that you have taken the word fimble from another site, but here the imagery doesn't do anything. There's no real purpose I can tell apart from the fact that you might've liked the word...

The narrative aspect of this is very good and the poem is punctually fluent.

I hope this helped, and in terms of extending it I don't think you should because it needs to retain its short punchy effect. Simply improve on what you've got. Keep writing.
Ben

It's cute. I could see the whole thing in front of my eyes. The description of the moment is perfect. But I agree, it misses a climax , the point when I fall of my chair because you had me on the edge from the beggining. It somewhat works as a stand-alone. Lengthen it. I can't wait to see the full story.
*bows*

This made me very very happy. You've done a great job of conveying one of the most awkwardly joyful experiences most people have, and the short length of the piece only strengthens that impact. This leaves you with a dilemma: you can leave it as is and have a "cute" poem, or you can attempt to lengthen it and give it a climax and meaning, and run the risk of diluting the emotion you have here.
If you want to lengthen it, I suggest maintaining the same tone and mood that you've already built. So much of poetry focuses on pain and suffering that a well-done happy poem is incredibly refreshing. The image you've already created would fit perfectly for a statement on the joys of innocent love or the importance of small moments or just about any other self-affirming message you can think of.
Given the length, there's not a ton of actual writing to critique. The only problem I ran across is that the line:
"handholding really wasn’t so difficult,"
was never really fleshed out and explained, and as a result ended up being an awkward transition between the first two and the last five lines.
Very nice work, you got a smile out of me

Its short and good....
You better try to lengthen it...
It can be a very heart touching and realistic if you add more into it...
Keep up the great work...

Ahhhh this is so cute!! I really liked it, especially because of how true it is. My only suggestion /would/ be to lengthen it a bit. I'm sure you could squeeze a couple more lines on the subject. But these lines you've got already are choice. Very well writ, for sure. I look forward to reading more of your works!