His Mystery is My Destiny

THIS IS A RAW COPY! (: IT HAS LOTS OF MISTAKES AND I KNOW THAT(: HAHA MANY THINGS I POST ON HERE WILL BE WRONG!
________________________________________________________________________________________________
My name is Kylie Jones.
And I have been living in a foster home for about 2 years. It’s hard to make friends.
They come and go. I am now 18. It’s January and I am able to get my own house.
I bid a due my old friends that stayed with me and I head to my new house.
It’s in the suburbs of New York, in a place called Times Square. There are many people and it’s hard to find a place to park my Purple slug bug.
I settle on a parking spot by ’The Dot’ , a coffee shop that would soon change my life.

‘HEY.’ I see on skype, one offline message.
‘Huh.’ I wonder, it’s 1 AM and I’m editing a video. I save it, and check the message.
It’s from someone named KiLLer55. It reads; HEY. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I WILL GET YOU .
Assuming it’s just one of my friends playing a trick, I video call KiLLer55.
All I see is a man in a black mask and he types; YES. NOW I HAVE MORE INFO ON YOUR LOCATION. AND YOU’RE FACE.
I quickly end the call. My heart pounds.
This is serious, but I don’t know what to do.
But right before I ended it, I saw my good friend Kyle, who went missing a while back in the foster house.
“When I find him I’m gunna kill him for putting this man up to this!”
I yell. But; what if I DON’T find him?

“Hello?” a woman asks.
‘Uhh. Yes hello I’m calling to report the finding of a missing child? (He wasn’t really a child, but he was when he was kidnapped.)’
“Yes. What is his name?” she says.
Man, she’s really calm for finding a kid who was abducted over 4 years ago!
“Kyle Jacobson.” I say, voice still shaky.
“M’am, this child was killed over a year ago.”
I froze.
But I SAW him. His face, his body, I saw.. HIM!
“I saw him.” I say.. “Okay we'll look through the files. Thank you!”
A dead tone fills my ear. I can’t believe this. He was THERE in the video! This is Impossible.
I wake up at 10 am the next morning. My light purple room is lit up by the sunlight.
I look out my window, I have the perfect view of Times Square.
I see something out of the ordinary.
I look closer into the streets, and right there, in a crowd of people, is Kyle.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
What do you think? (: haha I KNOW I have many grammar errors. It's a RAW copy. MOSTLY EVERYTHING ON HERE WILL BE GRAMICAL ERROR!!!

Alright, So, firstly, that was very choppy. Writing is put into paragraphs, that connect sentences together. Truthfully, that is just basic skills. But here, it just shows everything in a hard to read, liner format.


You told the reader everything. I wasn’t given the chance to use my imagination at all, and I didn’t like that. Yu also added in details that could have been expanded on, such as, what video? Is it her job, or something she took with friends and planned to put up on Youtube after?

Next thing up is the believability. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, and actually, a killer wouldn't have a skype name of 'Killer55'. I also doubt that killers would skype their vics, telling them that they are going to die. Quite honestly, if I veer got a skype message like that, I’d call the police, not video call them. Science shows that serial killers are normally introverts, preferring to spend time alone, then with other people. They usually kill when they are angered, or the the person fits something from a childhood past. They never randomly choose victims to kill because that is messy, and messy will get them sent to jail. Make sure you have something like that in there, or not many people will believe your premise.

You skip over a lot of details such as, who did she phone, why did she phone and what importance is the phone call. Right now, you have a four line hone conversation that does nothing for the plot.

The third this is, where that that whole 'missing kid' thing come from? I was still on the whole ‘killer’ thing, and then she saw an old friend? That was a choppy transition that made no sense whatsoever to me. Same with your last transition. How did she go from the café to her bed, without any note of walking, running or driving? Add the details to smooth that out.

Hello there.

And I have been living in a foster home for about two years.

I have to agree with Wicked and say that this is really choppy. Blend your sentences together, add details, this will help with your flow. At some places, choppiness helps with the mood, but in your story it's everywhere, and it's quiet confusing to read.
I have a few questions I would like you to answer in your story so the readers have a little more information and background. How was the foster house? Why was she there? It was hard to make friends? Because she was shy, or the other kids were just mean? Was she excided to leave the foster home? Scared? Sad? That's for the introduction.

What does her house/appartment looks like? Does she like it? How many months have she been there? Compare it to the foster home. Was she lonely? Too much sound at night, maybe?

What is she doing at the coffee shop? Does she go there often? What is she editing a video? If you're going to tell us that sort of information, you need to elaborate, not just say it like you did. Is it part of her job? Who did she call? Who was Kyle? A friend of hers? Did they knew eachother well? What happened to him? Was she scared? What did the foster home do? What does she know about the abduction?

Be realistic. Wicked has mentioned it in her review, so I won't repeat all of it. But it's true what she says, so maybe review what she does and what he does.
I don't really know where Kyle came from... He just appared and we have no clue who he is and what he has been through. Add information, like those questions I've asked you. I think this is what is missing in your story. I hope I helped.

Keep writing, and you can PM me if you want me to see the edited version.

-Other One

First off, this is not really my type of thing. It’s very, very short. There’s not really enough room to expand it into a real story. It’s more of a vignette.

Next there are a few problems I have with content. It starts out okay. First person present tense can work, but it’s a little tricky to pull off. One grammar error is that it’s not “a due”, it’s “adieu”; it’s French. I understand that’s one of those easy mistakes you can fix later. Next, I’ve never been to New York, but Time Square is in the middle of the city, nowhere near a suburb, it’s about as urban as you can get. You either need to make a comment on it being a cute pun (meaning that it’s named after Time Square), or change it from a suburb. If you do change it to being in the middle of the city… 1) I don’t think there are apartments on Time Square, just businesses (This is a guess, since I’ve never really been there) but if they are they’d be way too expensive for an 18 year old to afford such a place. 2) I don’t think you can park in Time Square… again I’ve never been there, but as I understand it that’s one of the busiest parts of New York, where a lot of big businesses are. I doubt you can park there ever.

This really feels like it belongs not under ‘romantic short story’ but as a chapter in ‘fantasy novel’. The ‘he’s been dead’ bit really makes this a fantasy… unless it’s actually some kind of murder mystery. There’s no way to tell, though because it’s incredibly short. I want to know more about KiLLer55, and what’s Kyle doing there? There is such a thing as having a mysterious or spooky ending, but the work needs to be longer.

Now, on to style: it feels like I’m reading a crime fiction novel. Everything is so direct. That’s not bad, but I’m not sure that’s what you want. If you want to keep the style you’re writing in, I would suggest trying a crime fiction story. Your style is so direct and to the point that it’s almost like reading a police report.

Back on tenses now: I’ve written a story in first person present tense. I ended up ditching it about ¼ of the way through, but that didn’t have to do with the tense. You need to make your transitions more smooth. It feels like you’re trying to write in first person past tense, like you’re telling a story, but it’s in present tense. I suggest either switching tenses or trying to write as if everything is happening right then and there. You need to be more inside your main character’s head, telling their emotions, how they feel at that moment. People don’t think as straight and narrow as you write. People think all over the place and it’s much messier.

It’s not bad, but consider what you’re writing for. I really think you should try writing a crime fiction short story because your natural style seems like it would be good for that. You seem to like mystery, which would be good for a bit of crime fiction.

As it is you sent up a lot of stuff that doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere. The reader doesn’t need to know the name of the coffee shop, especially since it never seems to come up again. Most coffee shops wouldn’t be open past 11 or 12 anyway. You need a lot more description, and I think you should expand on this more. It’s not a bad start to a longer story of a novel, but you need more information.

I liked it. Great plot, the whole idea is great. Hey, I sent you the edited version! I edited for you remember? Well, it's such a nice piece, if you need help with writing PM me or... GO ON SKYPE.
Keep Writing!
Nike

Thanks! (:

Isn't this supposed to be a romance?