Ladybug

Ellie approached Travis with caution in the summer heat. They were on the beach away from all of the noisy people on the other side of the beach. The warm sand was nestled between Ellie’s toes and the smell of sea salt filled their noses. The sun was high in the sky and giving off a warm feeling of comfort. Waves crashed on the sand and created a perfect sound as if you were listening to it on a CD to fall asleep.

Travis was laying on a beach recliner with dark sunglasses on covering up his eyes while Ellie looked at him for a moment. There was no umbrella and you could see a small sunburn forming at the bridge of his nose. Ellie did not have sun glasses on; but she had a bathing suit with a flowing white cover dress. The boy remained motionless and Ellie figured he was asleep. She was about to wake him but no words escaped out of her mouth instead, Travis spoke.

“Hello Ellie,” Travis said with interest.

Ellie looked confused, “How’d you know it was me?”

Travis smiled and revealed perfect white teeth. Ellie sometimes wondered what guy in this world could have flawless teeth; I guess she’d never know. He didn’t sit up or remove his sunglasses; he just moved his mouth, “Vanilla.”

She wondered what he meant by that. Ellie scrunched her toes feeling the sand sink in and remembered that she had left her shoes somewhere in the distance further away down the beach. Ellie thought that she should go and retreive them, but not now. Not when one of the most perfect boys was sitting right in front of her.“Can I join you?”

Travis shrugged, “Sure. Why not?”

Ellie skipped over next to him and sat criss cross on the ground. Travis sat up in his beach recliner and looked at her. Ellie looked up, and didn’t like how she couldn’t see his eyes. It freaked her out in a way almost like an unseen ghost staring into your soul. “What?” Ellie asked. Her expression looked worried thinking she had done something wrong.

“Nothing. I was just thinking,” Travis looked away and off into the horizon, “Have you heard the saying, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’?” Ellie thought this was a random question but she answered with a nod and somehow, Travis knew she was saying ‘yes’ without taking his eyes off of the shore. The waves crashed against it like a never ending pattern. The water reflected the dilapidated light off into unknown illusions. A few seconds passed before Travis said anything.

“What if life never gives you any lemons?” he questioned.

Ellie wondered as she giggled, “That’s what you think about?”

Travis laughed, “Not normally but I often come out here and lie on the beach and let my mind wander.” Ellie suddenly realized that his laugh was the best sound she had ever heard. It was low, melodic, and Ellie thought it reminded her of her favorite song. She wished she could record it and replay it over and over again.

Ellie followed up on his question about lemons, “I’m not sure what happens then, I guess nothing.”

A silence fell over the two and you could hear the swooshing noise of waves. Until Travis gathered up some words to say, “It’s never happened to me before now that I think about it. What about you?” Travis sat back in his beach recliner and began to go back to thinking.

She thought about it for a moment, it had happened to her in her life—twice. Ellie chose not to answer that question and instead she pointed something out, “There’s a ladybug on your face.”

The ladybug was those red colored ones with 7 spots on its wings. He had landed on the base of Travis’ chin and Travis hadn’t noticed until Ellie had pointed out.

Travis sat up, threw his sunglasses onto the sandy floor and swiped the bug off of his chin and looked at it as he sat on the tip of Travis’ finger. Ellie loved to see his blue eyes again the color the ocean itself. His eyes were a dark blue mixed with splashes of evergreen. Who wouldn't love that?

He looked at the lady bug, smiling and announced, “I guess I’m just lucky.”

I loved this (:
You described everything so perfectly and it made me feel as if I was on the beach enjoying the sun along with them.
You are obviously a really talented writer and I would love for you to carry this on.
Its amazing!
Keep writing, you're really good at it!

~FreshBlush

Helllooo. Firstly, I enjoyed reading this, but there's just a few things that I noticed, which I will point out for you.

PaperNessa wrote:Ellie approached Travis with caution in the summer heat. They were on the beach away from all of the noisy people on the other side of the beach. Here, I would probably take out one of the beaches. It's not too good having the same word repeated in a sentence. The warm sand was nestled between Ellie’s toes and the smell of sea salt filled their noses. Hm, there's just something about this sentence. If Ellie is sort of the one to narrate the story, then I think you should take out 'their noses' and replace it will 'her nose', because at first you're describing what's happening to Ellie (i.e the sand between her toes) and then trying to add what Travis smells, whereas Ellie seems to have the focusing first-person senses. If that makes sense, haha. The sun was high in the sky and giving off a warm feeling of comfort. Waves crashed on the sand and created a perfect sound as if you were listening to it on a CD to fall asleep. Righto! This sentence gets on my nerves quite a bit. You're info-dumping, and there is no comma for a breather. Try reading out that sentence, it's quite hefty isn't it? I think 'Waves crashed on the sand, and created a perfect, dreamy sound.' would be better. Dreamy because, it still flows with the idea of the sound of a CD that helps someone fall asleep, without actually saying those exact words. Don't forget your comma's either, because your readers need to catch their breath, or else reading never-ending sentences gets uncomfortable.

Travis was laying on a beach recliner with dark sunglasses on covering up his eyes while Ellie looked at him for a moment. Whoaaaah, whoah there. There is no pause in there, at all. And when there aren't any comma's, the words fly together almost painfully and the intent of the sentence is lost with the speed it was read at. So, don't forget to add your comma's! They really are important little things. There was no umbrella and you could see a small sunburn forming at the bridge of his nose. Ellie did not have sun glasses on; but she had a bathing suit with a flowing white cover dress. The boy remained motionless and Ellie figured he was asleep. She was about to wake him but no words escaped out of her mouth instead, Travis spoke. Yeah.. I don't really get this sentence? How was she about to wake him if no words could escape her mouth? Also, there should be a full stop after mouth. Then 'Instead, Travis spoke.'

“Hello Ellie,” Travis said with interest.

Ellie looked confused, “How’d you know it was me?”

Travis smiled and revealed perfect white teeth. Ellie sometimes wondered what guy in this world could have flawless teeth; I guess she’d never know. He didn’t sit up or remove his sunglasses; he just moved his mouth, “Vanilla.”

She wondered what he meant by that. Ellie scrunched her toes feeling the sand sink in and remembered that she had left her shoes somewhere in the distance further away down the beach. Another reallllyyyyyy long sentence. I'll leave it to you to fix it up, putting the comma where you think necessary, or taking out what you think is necessary. Ellie thought that she should go and retreive them, but not now. Not when one of the most perfect boys was sitting right in front of her.“Can I join you?”

Travis shrugged, “Sure. Why not?”

Ellie skipped over next to him and sat criss cross on the ground. Travis sat up in his beach recliner and looked at her. Ellie looked up, and didn’t like how she couldn’t see his eyes. It freaked her out in a way almost like an unseen ghost staring into your soul. “What?” Ellie asked. Her expression looked worried thinking she had done something wrong.

“Nothing. I was just thinking,” Travis looked away and off into the horizon, “Have you heard the saying, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’?” Ellie thought this was a random question but she answered with a nod and somehow, Travis knew she was saying ‘yes’ without taking his eyes off of the shore. The waves crashed against it like a never ending pattern. The water reflected the dilapidated light off into unknown illusions. Here's the sad thing about having such a casual story, you can't really have a sentence like this. I mean, you can, but it's a bit silly. Some people might not even know what dilapidated means, and that means that the cruisy reading they were doing has become confusing. And they're put off the flow. A few seconds passed before Travis said anything.

“What if life never gives you any lemons?” he questioned.

Ellie wondered as she giggled, “That’s what you think about?”

Travis laughed, “Not normally but I often come out here and lie on the beach and let my mind wander.” Ellie suddenly realized that his laugh was the best sound she had ever heard. It was low, melodic, and Ellie thought it reminded her of her favorite song. She wished she could record it and replay it over and over again.

Ellie followed up on his question about lemons, “I’m not sure what happens then, I guess nothing.”

A silence fell over the two and you could hear the swooshing noise of waves. Until Travis gathered up some words to say, “It’s never happened to me before now that I think about it. What about you?” Travis sat back in his beach recliner and began to go back to thinking.

She thought about it for a moment, it had happened to her in her life—twice. Ellie chose not to answer that question and instead she pointed something out, “There’s a ladybug on your face.”

The ladybug was those red colored ones with 7 spots on its wings. He had landed on the base of Travis’ chin and Travis hadn’t noticed until Ellie had pointed out.

Travis sat up, threw his sunglasses onto the sandy floor and swiped the bug off of his chin and looked at it as he sat on the tip of Travis’ finger. Ellie loved to see his blue eyes again the color the ocean itself. His eyes were a dark blue mixed with splashes of evergreen. Who wouldn't love that?

He looked at the lady bug, smiling and announced, “I guess I’m just lucky.”

Haha, so I liked the ending. It was coool. But there's something about this story which makes it seem like it's just a part of something bigger or longer. Because it starts off out of no where, and ends with no where. Kind of. Also, I was wondering why Ellie would even go over to the guy she liked? If he were excluded and on another part of the beach from everyone. She must be confident, haha. And secondly, comma's! Oh my lord. You need a lot of them. Remember to read out your sentences so you can see for yourself where you need them. Apart from that, it was a cool story. I liked the whole life not giving lemons question, it was actually pretty thoughtful. XD So yeah, that's my review.. Hope it helped

Ta, and keep writing!

This is a very well written story, nice job! It is explained beautifully, with detail, and is fun to read. However, there is one major problem. I don't feel there's much of a plot to this story, it ends with nothing resolved. I suggest taking the time to extensively add to this story, what will happen? Or will she just walk away? At least continue until you get to the end of the conversation, and as long as you don't leave us on another cliff hanger, things should be fine.

Just make sure that your story has purpose, and that it isn't just a description of nothing special, even though the description is beautiful.

Hello there, PaperNessa! Welcome to the Young Writers Society, by the way. I hope you are enjoying yourself here. ^_^

Alright. I will not be pointing out the nitpicks, like misplaced commas or such, because that has already been taken care of by some of the previous reviewers of this piece. Now: I do want to mention, as a whole, however, you do need to watch your commas. Read each sentence aloud -- my family loves it when it is late at night and I read my novel to them, which also allows me to catch any mistakes I have made grammatically -- and then see if it needs any punctuation, rephrasing, etcetera. That is generally the most helpful way to catch pesky mistakes like those.

Now, I will go ahead and state the obvious about this story, which is the same thing the many reviewers before me have all said themselves. You have good description in this piece -- now, I do not say "fantastic" or "ground-breaking," for a few reasons. First of all, although your description was nice, it was very dull, ordinary descriptions that you presented us with. For example, you mentioned the hot sand between her toes. How could you spice that up, and add a unique element to that? Maybe, "The sand was hot between Ellie's curled toes, and the sensation was much like the childhood memory she had of the time she had smashed her chubby fingers into the fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies her grandmother had made that were fresh out of the oven." See how that adds characterization? Now, your description was in no means bad, but I am asking you [challenging you] to step it up a notch. Challenges are fun, yes?

I would like to commend you on how you bring up the "life gives you lemons" quote, and how he asks that brilliant question. I swear, it made me fall a bit in love with him (that's generally good in a romance story), but at the same time, I became annoyed. To be honest, by the time you are seventeen, you will most likely have some problems in your life, aka "some lemons thrown at you". I find it highly surprising how he is seventeen and has never had any issues in his life. It's slightly [okay, very] unbelievable.

Which leads me to the following disappointing factor: Travis seems a lot like a Mary Sue. I cannot be exactly sure yet, as this is only the first snippet I have read, but, yes, he seems like one. You present the whole "he's flawless" thing, and then you even tack on the dreadful "he has a perfect life" ordeal, which makes me want to pull my hair out and scream, because everything about that screams Mary-Sue-in-the-making. Everyone in the world has some flaws, physically and personality wise. If a person doesn't have flaws, we might as well call them an "it," because they most definitely are not a human. To add to that, no one has a perfect life, either. It does not mean he has to have tragic-ridden past with lots of bullets and ninjas and stuff, but everyone has some issues going on in their life. Even rich, popular kids -- actually, sometimes they are the ones with the most issues. You'd be surprised.

And that rant about his Mary Sue ways also leads me into the next problem I found: if he is so perfect, so flawless, what does he have to ponder about at a beach? Yeah, right. I would be more inclined to think that he is scoping out any beautiful chicks in the area, if he truly is as flawless/perfect as you describe him and his life. But, that is just my opinion. But if he has nothing going wrong in his life, he can't sympathize with others, you do realize that, right? So he wouldn't sympathize with world hunger, with abuse, etc., because he doesn't even have a simple as a problem as acne. And therefore, he seems shallow and very unlikely to sit at a beach pondering life. 'Nuff said.

Overall, there are some definite things to work on in this piece, of course. But no piece is perfect before editing -- or after editing, either, really. Also, I did not mention this earlier (bad me >.>) but this does seem like a bit random piece, almost like it is just a snippet of the whole novel. It comes out of nowhere, almost. Still, though, this is a decent beginning. I hope this helps you out and if you have any questions, feel free to message me. Keep writing!

Have a g'day (or night),
Mizzle