Broken Table

Broken table, oh th' Seer wishes to greet thee,
At your doorstep on bended knee,
Yet thy merwood legs do not walk.
How will you answer the call of the Seer?

As your grains of Dyra tree fade black,
The third moon wishes you to play.
Do you not want play, broken table?
How will you ever enjoy life?

Gratitude runs thin with the people of water,
The Sharrs desire true freedom.
No longer will they care for you.
Will your dusty merwood simply rot?

Kingdoms far and legions wide
Crumble to ashes with fear.
You can see their crystal demise;
They will never gain their feet again.

Now the Titan of Moons descends from the Garden,
He wishes to see you and all your broken friends.
He sees your profound loneliness
Parallel only to the White Star.

~You shall see them for all eternity.~

whoa, i thought this was very interesting. I dont quite understand what a "broken table" is, well, i didnt know if there was a greater meaning. this poem seemed like a poem that had been written in medieval times or something (which is good) because it seems very deep.

out of five, id give this a four and a half! (: nice job

Broken table, oh how the Seer wishes to greet thee,
Waiting at your doorstep on bended knee,
Yet your merwood legs do not walk.
How will you answer the call of the Seer?

I agree with the previous post, this poem has medieval feel to it. The rhyming couplet is a great introduction! Any chance you could make the entire poem rhyme? If you could, it would improve the entire poem’s flow and bring out the medieval quality even more. Just one thing, the first line feels too long and reads a little awkwardly compared to the rest. Other than that, there’s not much to say - I like the dilemma the table is faced with in this stanza.

Your dusty grains of mercury tree fade green,
And the third moon wishes you to come out and play.
You do not wish to play, broken table?
How will you enjoy life?

I’m not sure what you mean by “mercury tree”. A tree made of mercury? Or a tree that’s silver like mercury? Poetic-sounding phrases don’t necessarily make a good poem if used at the cost of clarity. In the second line, dropping “and” from the beginning would make it stronger and flow better. I like how you ended this stanza with questions though! I’m feeling really sorry for the poor table…

Gratitude runs thin with the people of water and they leave you,
The Sharrs cannot help wanting freedom,
And they do not wish to care for you any longer.
Will your merwood simply rot now?

Again, the first line is too long and reads awkwardly. To fix this problem, try dropping “and they leave you”. You don’t really need this part since the poem continues on to say that the merpeople don’t want to care for the table anymore, which implies that they leave. In the third line, it’s the same as in the previous stanza – drop “and” from the beginning.

Oh Enaerian Noble, be wise and true.
The broken table has waited to meet you,
But your legs are broken as well.
You will never gain your feet again.

In this stanza, the speaker of the poem is now addressing the “Enaerian Noble” instead of the broken table. I like the line “You will never gain your feet again”, but because of the shift in subject from the table to the noble, this line looses a lot of the impact it could have had for me. Therefore, to be honest, I don’t think this stanza does much for the poem as a whole… it would be better if you kept focused on the table.

Now the Titan of Moons descends from the Garden,
And wishes to see you and all your broken friends.
He sees your marble loneliness,
Parallel only to the White Star,

Nice imagery here! In the second line here, same thing as before - drop “and” from the beginning of the second line and change it to “he”. Also, “your marble loneliness” is another one of those vague phrases. Does marble refer to the material of the table (but I thought the table was made of merwood)? Or do you mean loneliness that’s like marble… meaning hard and cold? It’s probably the latter, but it’s difficult for the reader to be sure.

~You shall see him for all eternity.~

I like this ending, but does “him” refer to the White Star or the Titan of Moons?

I think the biggest thing for you to work on is to improve your clarity in future writings. Otherwise, this is a very creative poem and was quite enjoyable to read! Hope my review helps and that it wasn’t too harsh. Keep it up!

Kingdoms far and legions wide
Shrivel like raisins with fear.
You, the broken table, scarred and heart sunken,
See that their legs too are broken.

I like the imagery in the first two lines. Just a couple of comments, here goes!

Re-stating “the broken table” is unnecessary and redundant - the reader is already aware that “you” throughout the poem refers to the table and the word “broken” appears in the last line. Maybe you were trying to go for emphasis, but it just made the third line too long and threw the rhythm off. Also, “heart sunken” sounds kind of awkward. I would’ve preferred something more like “You, who is scarred with a sunken heart”, but of course it’s your call.

~Never again will they regain their feet.~

This line feels like it was randomly thrown in… either elaborate on this and add another stanza or get rid it altogether. By itself, it just breaks up the flow instead of adding more to the poem.

Other than that, good editing! The stanza you rewrote is definitely an improvement from before

hello zan.

this reminds me of something like a scene from fantasy stories, with myths, legends, prophecies, you name it. i think it's interesting and catchy, but i don't really know what the "broken table" stands for (not literally, i think?)

nice poem. keep writing.

-telle.

Thank you, it is meant to be fantasy-like, and the broken table is a symbol.

Hey there!

Nice job here. I like the medieval era fantasy-like feel of this poem.

Nitpicks:

Broken table, how the Seer wishes to greet thee,
At your doorstep on bended knee,
Yet your merwood legs do not walk.
How will you answer the call of the Seer?

I liked the rhyming on the first two lines, though I thought the first line was a bit too long. By reading this stanza aloud, it'd sound awkward with the other lines.

Kingdoms far and legions wide
Shrivel like raisins with fear.
You can see their crystal demise;
They will never gain their feet again.

Raisins. Mmm. I particularly liked this stanza. Not only because of the raisins, but the way the whole message was delivered.

Now the Titan of Moons descends from the Garden,
He wishes to see you and all your broken friends.
He sees your profound loneliness
Parallel only to the White Star,

~You shall see him for all eternity.~

The ending was quite good. It fitted the tone and flow of the poem.

Overall, good job. Keep writing!