Young Writers Society


Stupid America

28 posts1, 2
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Reviews 123
Well.... Okay, let's see here. I must say that this poem is... well, it's a mouthful.

Poetically, I'll admit, it's pretty good. It shows good writing skills and a bit of personality. That's always good to include in any sort of writing, formal, personal, or informal.

As far as the content goes, that's questionable. You're treading in shark filled waters wearing a suit made out of seal meat. Or holding a lit match in a room full of dynamite. Now, that's not always a bad thing, right? Sometimes people really like it when you go on the dangerous side of things, right? I mean, if you've ever read some of the things by George Orwell, they always seem to be attacking different things in politics or in government or things of that nature, but in a satirical way. So people can take it for what they think it's worth, whether it be an odd story about animals on a farm or a comparison story for socialist Russia and Stalin.

I do agree with many of the things that some of the other reviewers have already commented on. This poem seems vastly generalized and narrow-minded, but like I've said before, that's not always a bad thing. It all depends on your presentation. And, to be honest, the presentation on this was rather... blunt. Forced. Uncreative. It reminds me of propaganda as well, honestly.

A suggestion I do have, if you really want lots of people to read this, turn it into a satire. Satires are good for everybody, because thee will be the people that just want to enjoy it as a good story/poem, then there will be the others who actually want to find the meaning behind everything and figure out what exactly it is that you are going after. This would 1) give people who don't share the same views as you more of an example of why they should think the way you think and 2) give those that do share the same ideas as you do more reason to think that way.

I'm not suggesting sugar-coating it, either. Some things, sure, are best told flat-out and straight to your face without any sort of safety net or protection from getting one's feelings hurt. But still, this is a poem written by a writer. A writer's whole purpose in life is to write their ideas in a way that people who like those ideas want to read it and those that don't like those ideas will at least gain some interest through the writing.

Now, don't go after me saying that although I'm entitled to have my own opinion, I'm just blind to the problems of the world that America causes or anything like that. I'm an Oklahoman, and yes, Okies do tend to have a bit of a love for their country, mostly because we do have a better outlook on life in general, or at least when compared to states that are in climates unlike Oklahoma's, but I do still have an idea about how much our government is flawed. But name me a government that isn't flawed? Name me a government that hasn't made choices that the general public didn't like? Obama is still trying to get universal health care, yet I know that not too many people like that. I also know that the main reason he did get voted in was because everyone thought "Oh, boy! A black president! He should do great!" when in truth his ideas weren't very good to begin with. I'm not attacking Obama, I'm just saying I'm aware of things that go on.

Again, I'm not saying that a lot of what you're saying in your poem isn't exactly just or deserved, but you're still attacking things harshly and trying to make it seem artistic when it's not. Heck, even screamo singers who sing about death and hate and things that are wrong with the world still have to add some artistic touches here and there so then people aren't immediately turned off from their song.
I'm striving to be the Architect of the Apocalypse, Master of the Massacre, Ruler of the Rapture, and the Führer of the Fatal.

"It is the tale, not he who tells it." --Stephen King

Take THAT, society!




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Points 1198
Reviews 83
Wow I really like this poem.
Not sure it works as well lyrical poetry as it does as just poetry in and of itself. But yes, I really do like this. I think all of the grammar mistakes have been pointed out. I really like all the messages you have in there, especially about immigrants and about America being the Richest Country and all. It's so very true, well done!
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Guys, remember that there is a debate forum. She seems to already have her mind made up and answered the dislikes. Plus many people do on fact like this poem, so maybe you could continue this debate through PMs instead of using up reviewing space.
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."




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If you were offended, you could just say it straight up, you know?
Be direct.
I'll break this poem down later on, and give MY facts and experiences to explain what it means.
And they're credible reasons/sources, too.
But this poem WAS made on a strong foundation, and other that agree with me can sees that.
But I guess that not everyone does.
Thanks!
-directed at Attola, BTW.
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True, and if you have any further complaints or problems, please pm me privatly, so we don't waste reviewing space an turn this into a debate forum.
No one is in the mood for that, now.
Thanks!
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Amazing- totally awsome! I can't even pick out a point at which to eat at, a really super good peice.
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Great work... It's just AWESOME.... WOW... I'm a fan buddy...
Keep it up... :)
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Thanks for the kind review!
And I apologize if anyone takes offense.

-------------------
-Jojo.
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I liked it very much. I am very patriotic, however you make some very good points. The thing I liked the most was how can we save others if we can save ourselves. Nice!
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What?
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I think posum had a little glitch, he did that on other things two. . .

Anyways, the poem.

I both like and dislike the poem. For my likes, I like that you kept the poetic form throughout, and I like that you gave good points.

For dislikes, this seem more like it should be in a debate forum. You ask questions, then answer them pointedly. You also kind of pointed out America's mistakes, which I'm not sure how I feel about. It's a touchy subject. Maybe you could write a poem about the changes you would make?

Overall, don't like the subject so much, but you phrase it well.
Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.




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Funkymomo wrote:I think posum had a little glitch, he did that on other things two. . .

Anyways, the poem.

I both like and dislike the poem. For my likes, I like that you kept the poetic form throughout, and I like that you gave good points.

For dislikes, this seem more like it should be in a debate forum. You ask questions, then answer them pointedly. You also kind of pointed out America's mistakes, which I'm not sure how I feel about. It's a touchy subject. Maybe you could write a poem about the changes you would make?

Overall, don't like the subject so much, but you phrase it well.


The questions are rhetorical. I'm not looking for answers, or debates.
That's been the main misconception that I've seen in the reviews so far. When I wrote this, I wasn't looking for people to
debate with me or question my poem, because it's just a poem, not an argument.
My opinion.My perspective.
I was making this with the intention of people agreeing, or disagreeing.
But it's out of my hands now.

Thanks for the feedback, but this is a poem and I don't want it to seem like I am in favors of or encourage this argument.
So I'll leave it here, for reviews.
Thanks!
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Well, all the grammar has been taken care of, and I see what both sides feel.
Thanks for the feedback.
Let's leave it at that!

-----------------
-jojo
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