Lie To Me~3

3


There. He’s right there, with the sun sparkling over his chocolate brown hair. My heart fluttered. He was perfect, simply perfect.

“Go.” Kara said, “just go talk to him.” I turned to stare at her.

“I can’t do that.” I said, “look, he’s over there with all his friends. If I go over there now, I’ll look like a loser.”

“Look at what your wearing.” Kara said, indicating to my lemon yellow skirt and matching shirt. I nervously smoothed my skirt.

“Its the only thing my mother would let me out of the house in.” I made my excuse. Kara clicked her tongue.

It was Nate and I, hugging each other with my lips on his cheek. I was wearing a twenties-style swing dress and black heels. Winter formal, 2009. I hugged the frame to my chest, my eyes welling with tears.

I give myself one second. I’m supposed to be over him.

I hurl the photo frame across my room, watching as it hit the dark red wall. I flinched as the glass shattered.

“What was that, Melody?” my mother called.

“Nothing.” I called back, getting up to pick up the shards of glass. I gingerly removed the photo from the frame and ripped it up. There. Winter Formal 2009 was officially removed from my memory.

“Are you sure?” my mother called. I didn’t reply. Instead, I sweep the shards of glass over my hardwood floor and into my wicker garbage basket.

I ran downstairs to get the broom. My mother traps me at the corner. Her eyebrows were raised, her head was tilted to the side, the perfect picture of a concerned mother.

“Are you alright?” my mother asked, “you do realize what day it is?” I wrinkled my nose.

“Saturday, July twelfth.” I recited in an almost monotone. My mother nodded.

“What happened on this day two years ago?” My mother prodded me, with a slight frown.

“Oh, god, Mom.” I said, “really?” it wasn’t the day Nate had died, more like the day we got together.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I was fine, and then you have to go ruin that.” I snapped. I glared at her and resisted the urge to stamp my foot. I could feel the tears coming on again.

“Oh, Melody!” My mother sighed, exasperated. I don’t know what she said next, because I ran right back up to my room.

I slammed my bedroom door and flung myself over my bed. I could still remember the way he looked at me, the way his dark brown eyes seemed to be lit with a constant inside joke.

“Melody.” My mother called. Concern covered her tones, and I wrinkled my nose. As if she actually cared. I didn’t want to respond; I didn’t care what she had to say to me.

“Melody.” My mother’s parrot-like voice rang out again. I sat up and stared at the door. I no longer had the physical energy to care about anything my mother did or said.

Hello there, wickedwonder! I hope you are having a fantastic day. ^_^

Now, to begin, let me just state that this review will just be of this chapter, singularly. I have not had the chance or opportunity to read the first and second chapters, so I can say very little about plot development, character development, etcetera. I will do my best to focus on this chapter alone, however, as I think I have a pretty decent understanding of what is happening in this story so far.

I have always loved romantic fiction. I'm a sucker for happy endings, I suppose, but I also love when writers write about lost love and broken hearts. Except -- I only like those type of stories if they pull it off well. The writer needs to have gone through heartbreak or loss, I believe, to write and portray the emotions of the main character or side characters correctly. If you've never dated, don't write about it. If you haven't partied, don't try and write about partying, because what goes on is more than you can imagine. And finally, if you have not lost someone, don't write about loss. Because the emotions will appear fake.

In this chapter, I found that the emotion felt particularly forced. She [the main character] goes from slamming a picture frame to her wall of she and her boyfriend to talking in monotones and finally, crying. Which makes me wonder, have you ever been through loss? Instead of having so many different reactions, people usually each deal with death and/or plain old loss (moving away) in different ways. Some people become very numb to it all, and for awhile they lose the zest of life. Other people tend to scream and shout and smash things (ahem, anger issues). There are also the people who just sit down, cry, and cry some more. I think you need to decide who your character is, and which fits her personality.

Another issue I noticed is purely the length. This is a very short chapter, and perhaps that is okay, except it is void of most description and heavy with an overload of dialogue. I would say the seventy-five percent of this chapter is dialogue, and that's being generous, as there is probably a higher percentage of dialogue. I think you need to spend more time describing your settings and just describing in general. When she runs into her mother, does her mother look worried and anxious or does she seem more on-edge and afraid? Tell Show us. And be careful about the adjectives you use. In writing, you don't just choose random adjectives to describe something. You need to take account what kind of feeling you want to convey, and then choose. For example, alluring and sweet are both adjectives that set the tone of the story in different ways.

Overall, I suggest working on adding some definite details to the story, as well as perhaps adding more snippets of Nate and the main character's relationship, to show what about him she misses and why she misses him. Right now, I think of their romance as a high school sweetheart type deal, but I may be wrong -- was he hiding something from her, or she, him? Was there something dark and twisted underlying in their relationship? Tell me! I truly want to know. This was a decent chapter. Very short, admittedly, but also promising.

I hope that this helps.

Have a g'day,
Mizzle

Hello wickedwonder Just thought I'd read and review

There. He’s right there, with the sun sparkling over his chocolate brown hair. My heart fluttered. He was perfect, simply perfect.

“Go.” Kara said, “just go talk to him.” I turned to stare at her.

“I can’t do that.” I said, “look, he’s over there with all his friends. If I go over there now, I’ll look like a loser.”

“Look at what your wearing.” Kara said, indicating to my lemon yellow skirt and matching shirt. I nervously smoothed my skirt.

“Its the only thing my mother would let me out of the house in.” I made my excuse. Kara clicked her tongue.

I really like the use of flash back here, it's really effective.

“Saturday, July twelfth.” I recited in an almost monotone. My mother nodded.

I like the word "monotone" as if she has been through this conversation a million times before.


OVERALL: I really like this, especially the use of flashbacks and how you present both Melody's character and her mum's.
Keep up the good work!


-Rachel.

@Mizzle-My whole length thing..I know. I struggle with making dialogue realistic, so now I tend to just write the speech, then go back and add everything else later.

Thanks, guys

~WickedWonder

Well, you had reviewed a story of mine, so I thought I'd return the favor. I've been skimming over some of your work, the ones that strike a fancy with me at least. So far, I've liked everything I've read.

You're quite a strong writer, I envy your talent. Another thing, I usually don't read romance. So, congrats for breaking me, haha.

Onto your story/novel.

1. I try to read all the chapters authors have written, it helps me get a better feel for their writing talent, creativity and overall, the plot, characters and so on.

2. I really have nothing bad to say except maybe re-read every now and then? Read it out loud to see if it sounds right in your head. I found myself confused at a few different places.

3. Write more! For once I find myself wanting to know more about a romance story! And like I said, I don't read romance. EVER. Though I end up putting it in my stories, haha.

Well, keep writing! Looking forward to more!

<3 Megan

Hello.

Well... This was interesting. I liked it, except for the relationship between Melody and her mother. I don't get why her mother is like that, and why Melody is so pissed off at the end. So much that she doesn't care what she says and does anymore? That's a bit strong.

“Melody.” My mother called. Concern covered her tones, and I wrinkled my nose. As if she actually cared.

Mother's do care. More than we can imagine... I don't know if it's just to portray Melody and make us realize how much she is mad. But if it's not for that reason, I would consider to change that.

The rest is pretty good. Keep writing!

-Other One

“Go.” Kara said, “just go talk to him.” I turned to stare at her. whats going on is this a flash back?“I can’t do that.” I said, “look, he’s over there with all his friends. If I go over there now, I’ll look like a loser.”

“Look at what your wearing.” Kara said, indicating to my lemon yellow skirt and matching shirt. I nervously smoothed my skirt. Explain what she thought about what she is wearing moan a little.

“Its the only thing my mother would let me out of the house in.” I made my excuse. Kara clicked her tongue.

It was Nate and I, hugging each other with my lips on his cheek. I was wearing a twenties-style swing dress and black heels. Winter formal, 2009. I hugged the frame to my chest, my eyes welling with tears.

I give myself one second. I’m supposed to be over him.This is really confusing, try to explain whats going on.
I hurl the photo frame across my room, watching as it hit the dark red wall. I flinched as the glass shattered.Okay this makes her seem a little upset explain, does she scream does she cry.
“What was that, Melody?” my mother called.

“Nothing.” I called back, getting up to pick up the shards of glass. I gingerly removed the photo from the frame and ripped it up. There. Winter Formal 2009 was officially removed from my memory.
Good does she rip it up into lots of small pieces?“Are you sure?” my mother called. I didn’t reply. Instead, I sweep the shards of glass over my hardwood floor and into my wicker garbage basket. Okay does she cut herself, does she scream out in pain this would be a really emotional part, maybe her mother comes to her bed room door to find out what the noise was?
I ran downstairs to get the broom. My mother traps me at the corner. Her eyebrows were raised, her head was tilted to the side, the perfect picture of a concerned mother.
Talk about her mother a bit more, is she tall does she glare at her.“Are you alright?” my mother asked, “you do realize what day it is?” I wrinkled my nose.

“saturday, July twelfth.” I recited in an almost monotone. My mother nodded.

“What happened on this day two years ago?” My mother prodded me, with a slight frown.
Right my mom dosen't remeber the exact date on which i start going out with this ceartine person. Maybe you could say are you thinking about Nate.“Oh,God mom.” I said, “really?” it wasn’t the day Nate had died, more like the day we got together.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“I was fine, and then you have to go ruin that.” I snapped. I glared at her and resisted the urge to stamp my foot. I could feel the tears coming on again. Would she not already be crying?

“Oh, Melody!” My mother sighed, exasperated. I don’t know what she said next, because I ran right back up to my room. Did she mutter under her breath.

I slammed my bedroom door and flung myself over my bed. I could still remember the way he looked at me, the way his dark brown eyes seemed to be lit with a constant inside joke.

“Melody.” My mother called. Concern covered her tones, and I wrinkled my nose. As if she actually cared. I didn’t want to respond; I didn’t care what she had to say to me.You could say she ran up the stairs and banged at the door she pleaded her to come out just a suggestion.

“Melody.” My mother’s parrot-like voice rang out again. I sat up and stared at the door. I no longer had the physical energy to care about anything my mother did or said. Good ending

I'm sorry if this seems rude,i didn't intend to be rude. But will you be writing any more chapters because i really want to know what happens next Really good, interesting and emotonial. I love your use of vocabulary, A couple of things could be re written but well done