"Forbidden To Forsake" Chapter 1

A Plain cold breeze embraced the wood that gray winter day,seemed like the world was sick and pale. There was this one yellow flower, it danced happily following the rhythm of nature, between lime green leaves. It bloomed between maroon flagstones, outside the door of a forgotten, or so it seemed, building. Locked white gates, dressed in veins with leaves, green and brown. Next to the wall there was an old letter box, it had an eagle on it.

Emensol Lee was leaning on the wall, he was wet, his boots where looking brown, as if he had been jumping on every puddle he saw on his way.

"Stop falling down," he complained out loud, looking at the sky, "I seriously had enough of you today."

His voice was strong and he seemed tough, too. He was twenty years old, a policeman. He was sent to the woods to investigate Richard Alphanor, a man who was a politic in the country, everyone around suspected he was a drug dealer. Emensol grumbled as he crossed his arm. Looked around, exploring the place and hid his green eyes when he closed them.

Ane was on the balcony, on the second floor. She was a good girl, but I'm telling you, she made a pretty good hurricane sometimes. When she decided something, that was it. She was not rebel, she liked following the rules, but she had her character and she wouldn't let anybody hurt her. That was her way. She was mature for a 16 year old, Richard Alphanor's daughter, she had no mother since she had died when she was younger, but somehow Ane was optimist about it, she knew her mother was in a place better than this world. Even thought she missed her sometimes, which is totally normal. But she also knew and kept in mind everything happens for a reason.

She had a best friend called Taylor Marie, she was like a sister to her. They met one day at a poetry contest, since then it was impossible to separate them. Ane called her Taie. They loved to walk around the wood after school, and just talk and laugh spontaneously, sometimes at things that happened long ago. Seriously, they could scare away wild animals laughing like that. They were one and the same, the perfect team. The balcony is where Ane
spent her time at nights, readying books, writing, playing sonatas on the violin or just thinking, looking at the sky.

She had been watching Emensol the whole time, it was strange to see people around, since the place was kind of solitaire. She looked to her right, there it was, a bucked fulled with water. This was something that she would've not done, but she did it anyways, it was like something inside of her forced her to do it. She smiled to herself maliciously and took the bucket in her hands. I wonder if water is anti-gravity. She thought, joking.

When Emensol felt the cold water running down his body, he looked up quickly, frowning. His brown wavy hair was now dripping like a fountain. Ane opened her brown eyes as if she was innocent. Ran down the stairs and quickly fixed her hair a bit before opening the door. Then she walked to the back door, where he was. When Emensol saw her, he tilted his head with a serious look on his face.

"Can I know what was that for, young lady?" he asked.

Ane was holding her hands behind her back, still making him believe it was all a big accident.

"I'm so sorry, sir. I actually didn't do that on purpose."

"Don't be sorry, miss," he replied, unpleasantly, "There's nothing you can do now," he continued, not looking at her, trying to dry his hair with his hands.

"Well, I shouldn't..." she whispered to the air and rolled her eyes.

"Excuse me?" He stopped and looked at her.

"Yeah, if you haven't notice you are on private property."

"Well, I'm sorry. But I never thought children live here," he said, taking a look around the place. "This looks more like a ghost's house, being honest." He continued, nodding.

"Children? Okay, know what 'old man'?" said Ane, pretending to be mad. Emensol looked at her smiling maliciously, "My name is Ane."

"Oh, nice name," Emensol replied, in a mocking way, "Well, since I know your name I guess it's fair for you to know mine. I'm Emensol Lee." He put his hand on the air, expecting to shake hands with Ane. Instead she looked at it.

"It's enchanting to meet you, sir. But only God knows what you touched before getting here." She returned the malicious smile, He was shocked, he didn't expect that from a girl like Ane. "Don't take it personally. Oh, and since I'm dry and you're wet, I think it's fair for me to get a towel."

Emensol tried not to smile, but ended laughing out loud. "Well, that would be appreciated, Ane."

"I'll be back," she said, smiling back and hurried up stairs. The place inside was nothing like the outside. The walls were peach and brown, there were frames on the walls and everything was exaggeratedly clean. Seemed like a comfortable place. The only things at the living room were a dark wood table, with a white lamp on it, next to a couch. In front of the couch there was another table with books. When she went back to Emensol he was sitting on the stairs in front of the gates that lead inside the building. When he saw her, stood up, quickly.

"Thanks," he said politely, as she handed him the towel.

Emensol stared at her a moment, in silence. Then suddenly asked "Fifteen or sixteen?"

"What?" asked Ane.

"How old are you, kid?"

"Oh, approximately... twenty five," she lied. Emensol chuckled, expecting it.

"Nah... sixteen," she said.

"And you must be in your twenties, right?"

"I'm twenty, yes," he answered, serious.

"So I was wondering. What is a twenty year old doing in the woods at a time like this? Playing hide and seek? Expecting to get sick?"

"Of course not, miss. I'm... eh... investigating..." he stuttered.

"A spy?" she interrupted.

"Em.. No!" he replied quickly, "I'm looking for a... rock," he lied.

"That sounds ridiculous." She laughed, mocking him.

"Listen up, kid. 'Im studying agronomy. I'm looking for one named..." Emensol started looking around the place nervously, and looked back at her, "Dagalup." He grinned. "It's a very rare rock, like no other," he confirmed, nodding.

Ane looked at him strangely. "Sure... never heard of it."

"Well, yeah. Someone told me they hide in the woods and you can only see them at night... they're like the stars, but reachable."

"Interesting, that sounded like poetry," Ane replied, laughing.

"Well, I'll show you another day. I should go now. But I'll probably be around soon, looking for them."

When Emensol left Ane closed the door behind her, and ran upstairs in silence. Hoping her dad wouldn't wake up.

Hmmm...nice writing style, and has real potential, but i find the plot...or at least the beginning intro a bit cliche? older man, young girl, old house- i think it could be better...

Hi there LeanneWood, Rem here to review! (:

A Plain cold breeze embraced the wood that gray winter day,seemed like the world was sick and pale.

I think you mean a plain cold breeze. It was going good until you got to the comma, and everything seemed to fall apart. Honestly, the part after the comma doesn't make sense. The only way I can think of to rephrase it is 'making the world feel sick and pale.' But that's only a suggestion. (:

Locked white gates, dressed in veins with leaves, green and brown.

Umm.. do you mean vines, not veins?

Next to the wall there was an old mailbox, it had an eagle on it and mold.

I'm sure there's a way where you can make this so there's no comma and so it flows better because right now it's kind of... rough. Unless if the eagle is important, I wouldn't even bother mentioning it. I hope this doesn't sound mean to you, but nobody really cares. But if the eagle is some sort of symbol for later, it's okay. (:

Emensol Lee was leaning on the wall, he was wet, his boots where looking brown, as if he had been jumping on every puddle he saw on his way.

Alright. First thing, this is kind of choppy and kind of a run-on sentence. I would either separate the part which I italicized and the part that I bolded, and try to combine the bolded part so it flows better.

Lerisse Ane was on the balcony, on the second floor. She was a good girl, but I'm telling you, she made a pretty good hurricane sometimes.

Alright, you were talking about this guy, and I was expecting more about him, but bam, now we're talking about somebody else.If you are changing characters, then put in little markers like *** or === or --- or something so we know.

She looked to her right, there it was, a bucked fulled with water.

This just kind of surprised me because the way it is written is like she was looking for the bucket, and found it, or she was expecting it to be there. I think you mean 'filled' not 'fulled.'

When Emensol felt the cold water running down his body, he looked up quickly, frowning.

Here we are with the switching thing. Hmm... either do the little marker thing or keep to the same character. (:

Emensol looked at her smiling maliciously, "My name is Lerisse Ane."

This sounds like Emensol is speaking, but it's not, so I would clear it up a little, because it made me stop and think, and when you're writing that's the last thing you want.

Okay, so you wrote that Lerisse was mature, but pouring water on a man's head and then the way she acted was definitely not mature. I like the idea you have here, though, and I think it have potential. I apologize if my review seemed a little harsh, but I really didn't mean for it be mean.

Keep writing,
Rem

Thanks for the reviews.

Okay, so you wrote that Lerisse was mature, but pouring water on a man's head and then the way she acted was definitely not mature.

Hahahaha... I know, that's why it says it's something she would've never done. >.> Poor man. XD

I like the idea you have here, though, and I think it have potential. I apologize if my review seemed a little harsh, but I really didn't mean for it be mean.

Thanks A LOT, Remrock. This is what I call a good review. You said the truth, but you didn't sound mean. Thanks again.

Hi Leanne! I'm Rachel, this work seems really interesting. So I just thought I'd take a look and review

LeanneWood wrote:There was this one yellow flower, it danced happily following the rhythm of nature, between lime green leaves. It bloomed between maroon flagstones, outside the door of a forgotten, or so it seemed, building. Locked white gates, dressed in veins with leaves, green and brown.

I really love the descriptive words you've used here. Also(after reading the whole text) the yellow flower reminded me a little of Lerisse. It may sound strange but the flower seems to be the only positive object - especially after reading the first few sentences - in the opening. The surroundings are quite negative but the flower blooms out. Anyway back to the point, Lerisse seems to be the only lively thing in her surroundings too. I felt like they connected. Also the descriptive language is great!

LeanneWood wrote:as if he had been jumping on every puddle he saw on his way.

The word "on" seems out of place here. You can't jump "on" a puddle because it is not solid but liquid. How about changing it to "in"? It's just a suggestion. It may just be my English brain.

LeanneWood wrote:Looked around, exploring the place and hid his green eyes when he closed them.

I don't quite understand this sentence. It just seems too obvious that when you close your eyes you hide them. I don't know?

LeanneWood wrote:Lerisse Ane was on the balcony, on the second floor. She was a good girl, but I'm telling you, she made a pretty good hurricane sometimes. When she decided something, that was it. She was not rebel, she liked following the rules, but she had her character and she wouldn't let anybody hurt her. That was her way.

Already I'm immediately hooked with this character! You have presented her well. I especially love the way she is both quiet but is strong.

LeanneWood wrote: readying books

Typo - *reading


I really like this! I like the way you presented Lerisse and how you converted her from being mature, to having a mischievous side too but she pretends she is innocent also. I also think the last line - how she doesn't want to wake her father - is really powerful. It shows that she is maybe scared of her father. Overall, this chapter made me want to read more! I love the style of your writing! Keep it up!

If you have any questions or queries just PM me.

- Rachel.

Hi there Leanne,

Tanya here, as requested!

Emensol Lee was leaning on the wall, he was wet, his boots where looking brown, as if he had been jumping on every puddle he saw on his way

I find that part awkwardly phrased. It should be 'were' and I would prefer 'brown-looking.'

Lerisse Ane was on the balcony, on the second floor. She was a good girl, but I'm telling you, she made a pretty good hurricane sometimes. When she decided something, that was it. She was not rebel, she liked following the rules, but she had her character and she wouldn't let anybody hurt her. That was her way. She was mature for a 16 year old, Richard Alphanor's daughter, she had no mother since she had died when she was younger, but somehow Lerisse was optimist about it, she knew her mother was in a place better than this world. Even thought she missed her sometimes, which is totally normal. But she also knew and kept in mind everything happens for a reason.

Ok, I find so much wrong with this. First, it's a real info dump. We find out so much about her in so little time. And all of it is telling, not showing. Also, the part I highlighted in bold needs a few more natural pauses. It leaves the reader no break whatsoever. And, the part I highlighted in italics bothers me because it pulls us out of the story. Unless there is a narrator telling a story, then fine. Otherwise, I would cut that part out.

Even thought she missed her sometimes, which is totally normal. But she also knew and kept in mind everything happens for a reason.

though

Ok, I'm done with the nitpicks. I think your characters are interesting people that I'd like to get to know. What bothered me, was the lack of . . . everything else. I couldn't get a sense of the scene, of what they were doing, of what they felt or thought. YOu did enormous amounts of telling instead of showing, which helps to keep your reader out of the story.
What I think would help is if you work on expanding the five senses.

For example, I'm sitting here at my computer. I can smell the bacon I just cooked. I can taste the toothpaste I had in my mouth five minutes ago. I feel pain in my spine from the awkward position I'm writing in. And this is just from staying in place, typing! What surrounds your characters? What do they see/smell/hear/touch? Does it evoke any memories? IF not them, it might bring some memories to the surface of your readers' mind.

I think your story has potential, definitely, and I like your characters. I found their dialogue was lacking. If you sit down and observe people around you talking, what are they doing? Playing with an earlobe, twisting a lock of hair around their finger? Are they batting their eyelashes, or fidgeting?

Your characters, mocked, laughed, mocked some more, then laughed again. Show us what they are doing while they are standing around talking. Help us see in our heads what you see in yours.

Hope this helped, thanks for the request.

Tanya

You're so right, Tanya. Thank you very much. I'll edit this later.