Just life

I had always wondered about this moment. Always wondered what I would be feeling or thinking, though I never would admit it to anyone. I wondered what she would look like, how she would feel in my arms. Soft and tiny, I knew that much, but I didn’t know it was like this. She was beyond beautiful, beyond gorgeous, there was no way words could ever come close to how stunning she looked.

“Oh my, she’s beautiful.” I looked up and found my mother staring at us.

“She looks like her mother.” I whispered, afraid that I’d wake her up.

“Jackson-”

“No,” I glanced at her and saw the sorrow in her eyes. “she does. I don’t want to walk around the subject like she never existed. Without her I wouldn’t have Jade.”

She grinned, tears glittering in her eyes. “Your going to name her after her mother?”

I nodded. “Jade Elisabeth McCoy. Do you want to hold her?”

Hello, XxMusicIsMySoulxX! I hope you are having a splendid first day of 2011.

Alright, first of all, I would like to share a bit of wise ol' wisdom given to me by one of the greatest writers I have ever had the pleasure to meet and know. "Write about what you know, because your words will sound more real and have more truth behind them. Reader's like that honest stuff." As I write my novel, this quote comes constantly in to play. Why write about death, if you've never experienced it? Sure, we've got Wikipedia and the internet now, but still -- I find that quote extremely helpful. The emotions just won't be real if you've never gone through something similar.

Which leads me to the fact that the happiness of the child's birth seems understated in this piece. He's thinking she's gorgeous, she's beautiful, etc. But describe that. I've known guys who rant on and on about their little girl once she's born. EX: "She's got her mother's freckles" or "That look right there? Pure momma." Which also gives you a chance to explain the mother, who was a bit mysterious in this piece. Seriously, I kept thinking, well, where's the Momma? Certainly she wants to see her newborn babe?

You left a definite air of mystery in this piece, and one I am not sure you should have created. First of all, with a piece this short, too much mystery can cause an overwhelming mass of confusion on the reader's part. For example, I understand everything and then the whole bit about the mom, the father's mini-speech, etc, just confuse me. What happened to the Mom? Really. Because it's not that I feel the sadness of your character about that (hint: an issue), but that I just want to finally be able to understand. I'm a confused woman here, help me out.

To revisit the fact that I do not identify with your main character, who I assume is the man/father/guy, I feel like one of the main reasons I could care less about him is that I don't feel like I know him. What's he look like? Is he kind? Quiet? Rude? Prude? Show me through his actions -- of which there aren't enough of. It's one paragraph and then just dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. I don't have a reason to sympathize with him, either: I don't know if the mother of the child was special, someone incredible, or a lousy cheerleader he got stuck with.

Overall, this does need some work. I did not focus on tiny grammatical or punctuational mistakes, because I feel that the typos can be fixed by just reading the story itself aloud. However, I recommend you add some definite length and detail to this story. Also, slyly explain the whole mother part without making an info-dump, please. I really would like to understand what is going on, as that would be nice. Still, this is a good base to start on. Just got to build up from there, huh? I hope this helps!

- Mizz

Hey there.

First thing I thought when I read this piece was that it started off quite well. You had the subtle descriptions and the senses of overwhelming beauty portrayed as indescribable through fairly repetitive phrases. You made the atmosphere feel very warm, as though the reader were there or experiencing it. I'd say that, starting out, this had the potential to be a very sweet piece.

However, from there, it simply gets confusing. You start dialogue, where I can't really say who's saying what to who a part from once where you say "I whispered" and, not only that, I have no idea what they are talking about. I can second a guess, yes. I mean, it could be a mother looking at the adopted child and naming them after the biological mother, or it could be a sister looking at a sorrow ridden mother. I really have no idea.

I also have no idea where on earth this is set. Is it a hospital? Is it back home? Who's in the room? Are they even in a room? When is this set - modern day? The latter doesn't matter so much, but because we can't familiarise ourselves with the situation as readers, we cant take any effect from it and that's sad because this piece could've had quite heavy emotional leverage. Instead, it lacks it.

In terms of grammar, you're dialogue construction is - like I said - confusing and for the most part, incorrect. Here's a couple of nit picks displaying why:

“She looks like her mother.” I whispered, afraid to wake her up.

It should be written as: "She looks like her mother," I whispered. I was afraid I'd wake her up."
If you break it into two like this, not only does it have more clarity, but it also means that who is saying the dialogue is connected in a grammatically correct way to the ending of the piece of dialogue.

“No,” I glanced at her and saw the sorrow in her eyes. “she does. I don’t want to walk around the subject like she never existed. Without her I wouldn’t have Jade.”

This is saying: "No, she does." - I can't be the only reader who doesn't understand what is being said. It seems broken and irrelevant and is doing nothing but giving me brain ache trying to look for a mistake. I feel as though you've cut us out from a massive part of this piece.

"Jackson-"

I'm sorry, who?

Overall, this piece needs a lot of work. The most prominent thing it's lacking is clarity. You may not be able to see why, because you wrote it, but hopefully my review may help better your understanding why it is to others. You'll need to take the start and re-write it or elaborate for this piece to be effective because at the moment it just feels like a broken jotting down of dialogue.

Hope this helps,
Ben

Hey there, Music!

Wow, well this piece is short. I don't think this review's going to be much longer either... I seriously suck at reviewing short pieces. It'll be interesting to see what I can come up with though.

The first thing in my mind after reading this is confusion, I have to admit. I don't know who anyone is. Who's Jackson? Who's Jade? Why are they important? This feels like a snippet from a short story or a novel of yours. Is it? After readnig over the piece again, I'm thinking that it may be the father of the baby telling the story, and that the mother of it has died or something. Either that, or maybe the baby's Auntie, as in the mother's sister. Not sure though.

That's the main problem here. It's confusing and unclear to what exactl is going on, and who all of the people are. It's slightly annoying because I really think this idea could be something great. I have a thing for these kind of stories, you know. Plus, I agree with what Ben said about your opening. I really liked it. It was subtle, yet clear how the MC felt about the child in his arms. You needed to keep that detail throughout the piece because as you went on, it got extremely unclear. I desperatley want to know more.

What I strongly suggest for you to do is to expand this piece like crazy. Make it at least one thousand words long. If you do that, I will jump with joy. If you add in the details, create a clear plot, make distinctive characters, add in some wonderful descriptions e.t.c, this will be really great, in my opinion. I especially want to know who the MC is. Is he the baby's father? The baby's Auntie? An adoptive mother? We, as reades, need to know these things. Right now, there's no real plot, conflict or anything like that. That's what really makes a story, if you ask me.

There's nothing else I can critique really. The piece is short, so it's hard for me to say completely, but your grammar seems to be very good. I do think you need to expand this piece as a whole though. I do believe that it has loads of potential, so you need to squeeze that potential out of it. If you do decide to lengthen this or anything, please let me know!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins