Cautiously he stood, chair’s sound ripping through the otherwise silent office. - I had to read this line a few times. Do you mean the chair he was sitting in made that sound as he stood? I think that's what you mean but perhaps you could make it clearer.
“Do you even forget what I do?” - This line just seems awkward to me. Like I can't imagine it being said in my head.
I’d only been ordering thefts so more supplies could get to the people for over fifteen years. - Another line I had to read a few times. Perhaps something like 'I'd only been ordering thefts for over fifteen years so more supplies could get to the people.' Just seems to flow better in my opinion. The next line also seems a little clunky - And had only been telling him to ignore reports of thefts for the same time. So maybe just go through and rethink these few lines. I also think that you are using the word 'thefts' in the wrong tense. Like I think the way you are using it is incorrect and you need to use something like 'robberies' or 'burglaries' instead. Perhaps this is why these lines don't completely work.
The man I refused to call anybody but Akmal because he should be erased from history but could not be. - Do you mean anybody or anything?
all because you didn’t take control and manage the nobles the way I allowed you manage them." - I think you just need to put a 'to' inbetween you and manage.
After looking over the contest rules and reading this through once I think the main problem for me is that I'm not entirely sure what it is that Kerani has done that is wrong? Yes it appears that she has done a lot wrong but is it the robberies? Or is it this thing to do with the nobles and souls? The Demon Magic? Is that the really bad thing that Kerani has undertaken? I think my main feeling was just that there was a lot of information to digest in this section of the story. I mean I have a certain grounding because I have been reading your story but for other people it may be tricky to keep up. I know that I feel I could do with reading it a few more times before everything fully sticks.
It's difficult to thin out though because this is part of such a massive story but perhaps you could benefit from putting more emphasis on one or two aspects for this contest.
Character wise I do feel sympathy for Kerani but I think I could feel more sympathy for her. I think that the digesting of all the information you're giving me somewhat gets in the way of me fully sympathising with her because I am just trying to keep up. I'm also not sure that I buy into Kerani being a bad character. The contest says that the main character can't be a good person and despite the fact that Kerani has taken on this Demon Magic, which I assume is something very bad, I'm thinking that what she does is from a will to do good. However then again that may be part of me sympathising with her, in which case you did good. It also could be to do with the fact that I am familiar with Kerani. It's tricky!
Other than that I mostly enjoyed this! But you know I pretty much love anything Cat Steps lol It was interesting for me because this was so far on from what I have read before. Lots of spoilers!
I doubt much of that made sense but I hope that I helped a little at least. I kind of feel like I just rambled.
If you have any questions then just feel free to PM me
Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki
“Council is asking you be restricted to the palace.”
Council is the body of people that make decisions, and the people on them are councilors. Counsel is what is given, which is why counselors are people who you go to with problems (supposedly).
That said, this piece relies heavily on references to earlier events, so much so that someone with no background would probably be completely lost. As it stands, Kerani doesn't come across as having done something truly horrible, not does she come across as particularly sympathetic. While there is enough rationale and explanation to make her at least partially sympathetic, all of it is referenced, which weakens these rationales and explanations as the reader may not have the background context needed to fully understand what is going on.
As it stands, because of all the referencing, there were some odd phrasings that I wasn't sure were references or actual cases of odd phrasing. In addition, while Kerani definitely comes across as angry, there's not much of an impact in that anger, and Deven isn't particularly strong in the characterization department either.
Basically, this story assumes you have fairly extensive knowledge of prior events, and that cripples it.
I know Cat Steps is a project that's near and dear to you, and that you like working on it, but for the purposes of this contest, I suggest you come up with something original. Simply, you're so close to Cat Steps, and there's so much that's going on in Cat Steps, that it seems like you can't write a stand-alone installment for it.
Yay, it's been a while since I had one of your pieces to review. Thanks for the request.
I'm going to break my review down into steps here. Because I like you, I'm going to go into a lot of detail. We're going to deal with the story's plot itself. Following that, comes the emotion and passion to the story. We're then going to deal with the tension in the story. Let's hope this review helps.
The chain of events that make up your story needs to be progressive. I hate to sound cliched, but they call it a beginning a middle and an end. A progression from point A to point B. What you have here is a scene rather than a story. A character endures the ordeal of what she feels is a harsh unfairness and leaves. There is no character story: your she remained consistent from the beginning to the end of the story. There is no idea story. There is no event story. There is no milieu story. What you have here is a scene of a character and perhaps event story that presents a single scene in a river of story.
To be able to pull off a solid story, the first thing you need is just that – a solid story. So, if you want to stick to this idea, give us the story of her saving the lives and then being shunned, scorned, and hurt. Give us the evil that has consumed her in a far more real format. If you want us to feel emotion give us character progression. Strong to weak, weak to strong, it makes no difference. Ultimately, there's no shortcut to emotion. The formula you probably want for this contest is the following: show us a character's soul getting swallowed alive, then let her turn bad. Win our sympathy, and make us feel sorry for her. Make us blame her evilness on external factors. Alternatively, let her do evil to evil. The fact that we get satisfaction from the evil's demise will often vindicate the character's wrongs in the eyes of the reader.
Ideally, a story that will create emotion will be a character story. The character arc should therefore be especially emphasized.
Let's move forward to exposition. The key to creating a story that enchants a reader often lies in simplicity and flow. The last thing you want to do is to confuse the reader. The reader should know where he lies at every given point in the story, and should be anchored down by emotion and tension. This story is convoluted, and the way it's presented doesn't help matters at all. In a short story particularly, this is a vital key to creating a successful story. You need to grip the reader immediately. Then you need to ensure you don't lose him or her.
To throw us into complete chaos by talking about things we have no idea about is unfair. Most of us will simply not bother reading. Those who do will take a long time to orientate themselves. In a short story you don't have this time. In a novel you shouldn't need to take this time.
Present your ideas in a logical format, with an end-goal somewhere in sight. Events should lead up to this end goal. If your story requires events that took place in the past to be revealed gradually for the purposes of tension, that's fine. Just remember, you're telling a story that occurs in the present. Ursula K Leguin in The Dispossessed alternates chapters. One refers to the youth of a character, while the next refers to his future. This is remarkably effective, but only because there were two stories at play that could each be understood separately. You weren't left confused in either story, and when they weaved together it formed a beautifully crafted work of art.
The problem with brushstrokes scattered randomly around is that you need them all to make the painting make sense. Alone each of them is nothing. Your reader won't wait around for the picture to make sense.
Then there is the tension aspect. Anticipation and stake are the key elements in tension. You have neither. So what? Your MC is an emo who's gotten upset at being claustrophobic. Show us why her freedom is so dear to her. Make us actually care. Or just do the easy, and make the stake her life or that of her family. Included in the anticipation aspect is the emotional investment that a reader must have in the story. Your reader must want the protagonist to win and want the antagonist to lose. The gradual growth of the story must crescendo to a climax. Every time you throw another obstacle in your protagonist's way, it lifts the tension levels. That's your job. If we want to read further, you're doing your job properly...
Basically, you've improved your writing beyond question. You've tightened up your prose so much that I think that in certain cases it's too tight. I can't believe I'm saying this, but loosen it up a little. The tightness occasionally leads to melodrama. Your dialogue is great. Your characterization is potent. The structure of your story needs work, though. The contest demands a high level of emotion from the reader, though, and you lack this. You also haven't defined what it is that she's done that is so bad. I've given you a bunch of tips to structure your story so that it is more readable and raises emotional levels more. I hope they helped. Oh. The last bit of the review I wrote without your story, so I hope my memory served me correctly.
Keep well Yoda
#TNT
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. -- Robert Frost
