Stormbringer - 2

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Any and all comments are much appreciated!

Part two: Connor

“And that’ll be fourteen ninety-five. Out of fifteen?” The register dinged and the cashier handed back a nickel. “Five cents change, and here’s your receipt. Have a nice day, sir.”
The queue moved up, and Connor sighed. He was the ninth person in line, and from the way things were going at the single counter, he would be there a while yet. He wiggled his left foot, which was falling asleep, then wiggled his right, which was starting to doze as well. He stared blankly at the pigtails of the little girl in front of him, until he felt the girl’s father glaring back at him, and Connor quickly looked away.
A boy behind him poked Connor in the back, making him turn.
“Why’re you getting a doll?” the boy asked with a crinkled nose.
Connor cleared his throat and lowered his voice, in the hope that the boy would catch his meaning. “Um, this isn’t for me.”
The boy tilted his head. “You like dolls?” he said scathingly, and unfortunately in a loud voice.
“No, this is for my sister. It’s her birthday next week.”
The boy studied Connor intently. “How old are you? Aren’t you too old to play with toys?”
“Sixteen, and I’m getting this for my sister.”
I don’t like dolls.”
Connor cast a pleading look at the boy’s mother, but she was busy laughing at something someone on her phone said, and wasn’t paying any attention in the least.
“Hey, want to see what I do like playing with?” the little boy was now tugging on the edge of Connor’s T-shirt. “C’mon, I’ll show you!”
“Um.”
“Come on.”
The mother had enough presence of mind to hold a hand over the phone’s mouthpiece and whisper encouragingly at Connor, “Don’t worry, I’ll hold your place in line,” before returning to her conversation.
With a begrudging sigh, Connor let himself get dragged along by the bundle of energy.
“They’re all this way, I have a full set and I’m wanting to get the new one.”
The boy stopped in front of a shelf in the back where rows of tin soldiers stood. A sign informed Connor that they were The Complete Set of the Undead Army™ (Now With Even More Gruesomeness!).
“See that new one?” The boy pointed at a soldier with a deep red jacket and a very fierce expression on his shrunken, desiccated face. “That’s Colonel Cadaver, and he’s the leader of them all!”
“That’s nice,” Connor said halfheartedly. To be frank, the soldiers all looked extremely pale, skinny, and quite shockingly ghastly. Not something he’d want to have in his room, let alone play with. In fact, he had the nastiest feeling that they were watching him intently, studying him with those entirely black eyes now…
“Bobby!”
The little boy whipped around. “Oh, that’s my mom. Bye!” He dashed off, arms flailing, and knocked Colonel Cadaver and Brigadier Bones off the shelf and onto the floor, where they fell with a loud clanging sound.
Connor glanced after the boy with part of a word on his lips, then decided it would be easier to just pick them up himself. He turned back and knelt down—then frowned.
Either he had seen wrong, or Colonel Cadaver had scooted himself further away from where he had originally landed, towards the back wall. The colonel had landed so that his face was staring at Connor, his eyes deep and dark.
Connor shook his head and picked up the brigadier, taking care not to touch the bony ribs peeking out of the blue uniform. He placed the soldier on the shelf, then crouched down again to replace the colonel.
Only, Colonel Cadaver was nowhere to be seen.
A very chilly feeling ran up Connor’s back and he shook his head again. You’re playing mind tricks here. You’re tired and hallucinating. You’re just imagining this. It’s there, you just didn’t see it. In fact, when you open your eyes again, it’ll be right where you saw it and then you can put it back.
Connor opened his eyes; Colonel Cadaver was there, but he wasn’t laying on his side underneath the lowest shelf’s lip. Instead, he was standing straight before Connor, black eyes boring into the boy’s face, and one hand pointing to the shelves behind him.
A yelp very nearly left Connor’s mouth, but for some reason it got choked back, as if something had crammed it down his throat again before it could get out.
Colonel Cadaver’s eye twinkled, and Connor stared back in paralyzed horror. The sounds of the store were fading in his mind; all he could hear was his own heart slamming against his ribcage.
A cold breeze brushed against Connor’s face, and he noticed with some bemusement that the shelf had faded and instead there was a large black doorway in front of him, gaining definition with every second. Colonel Cadaver was pointing at the blackness with a very stern look.
Go in.
Connor shook his head slowly. He was feeling like his mind was losing control of this hallucination, and it was not a pleasant feeling.
IN.
Something that felt very much like a small boot kicked him in the bottom from behind, and he lurched forward with a little cry of surprise. The doll left his grasp and landed on the edge of the doorway—it seemed to Connor that she had an unusually aggrieved expression on her face—but this was all seen in no more than a second, and then he was falling onto something cold and hard and very stone-like, and the next thing he heard was a clattery click of satisfaction and the voice saying, Got another one.
Then the doorway closed and Connor was left in the blackness.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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My daughter!

Why am I only now aware of this? *pouts then sighs* I guess that's what happens during the holidays: you lose track of things!

I just read the first chapter but you had so many great reviews that it wasn't worth me mentioning. I agree with everyone, though, that you did too much telling, and that you should have started with the guard hesitating at the door. Let the scene speak for itself.

Now, on to this one. Unlike Cora, we don't learn much about Connor here. Except that he was buying a gift for his sister (if it really WAS for his sister haha). But Bobby had more 'personality' then Connor did. Then again, this is just the first chapter and I am extremely intrigued. Maybe much can be said about his character that he didn't run away screaming when the colonel started moving around. Huh.
And, the fact that he went through a door reminded me of Warrior. Was it on purpose?

I'm glad the story is starting so quickly, that you are vaulting us into the world already. We want to get to know your characters.

Well, not much to say, much rambling, I know. But this was great and I have no other nitpicks.

Can't wait to read more :D

Mom :D




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Ooh, this was great!!!
Something that felt very much like a small boot kicked him in the bottom from behind, and he lurched forward with a little cry of surprise.
I love this line :)

My Critiques:
~Connor needs more personality. He's kind of flat, and I found the little kid had a bit more personality then him. Try to make him stand out more.
~More information about Connor would be nice, too. At this point, all I know about him is that he is sixteen and he has a little sister. Nothing else. What does he look like? How does he feel? Is he bored, is he tired?
~Nice chapter ending. Just enough cliffhanger to make me want the next chapter very soon, but not so much that I'm dying for the next part.

So, pretty much, with a little bit of character development, this could be radiating awesomeness!

Sparkles,
Sierra.
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.




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Hey Ranger!

I'm here to review. So, this is a pretty short part which is not bad, you still were able to build a nice character and all with this and I did enjoy reading your writing. I have only one or two nitpicks with this actually.
Connor cast a pleading look at the boy’s mother, but she was busy laughing at something someone on her phone said, and wasn’t paying any attention in the least.

This bit seems to be a tad bit wordy. You could always just say that the mother was busy laughing on the phone. It's a given that she's talking to someone and also that the person over the line probably said something funny.
In fact, he had the nastiest feeling that they were watching him intently, studying him with those entirely black eyes now…

You had a bit of italicized words in this chapter. It's not exactly all bad or anything and I'm probably just being overly nitpicky about this in general. However, I felt like some words didn't exactly need to be italicized, this one is an example. I feel the same strength from the word 'watching' whether or not it was italicized.

Anyway, this was quite an interesting chapter. The kid was annoying, I wouldn't have followed the creep but it was funny. As for Connor, he seems a bit flat, yes. Is that the way he's supposed to be? A part of me actually feels like he's a bit paranoid but you'll never know. You still have some time to build some character into him so don't sweat too much about that. This was a good chapter, slightly short for my taste but you got the main idea down and the ending was just enough to keep me confused and wanting more. Let me know if you have any questions and PM me if you write more. ^^

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hmm... very nice.

Let me start off by saying that I am not a fan of short chapters. Not to critisize your choice of chapter length, or anything. I can see that this chapter exists for the sole purpose of introducing Connor and getting the plot rolling - however, by keeping it so short, I didn't (like everybody else, it seems) get a good idea of who Connor is. We know that he's a 16 year old boy, and we know that he cares enough to buy a doll for his sister. That's about it. This chapter was clearly not intended to be character-driven, but I feel like, if the chapter had been longer, we could've learned a lot more about Connor AND seen him interact with those toys (creepy desciptions, by the way... definately NOT something I'd want to play with, I'm with Connor on that one).

But other than that... no grammatical nitpicks, no holes or mistakes... another solid instalment! I really love the annoying self-righteous loudness that is Bobby (having 2 younger brothers - and 4 younger cousins - I can relate). I know that he won't be making another appearance (until, perhaps, the end?), but I kinda wish he would :)

Great job, and, as always, looking forward to more!
"Children see magic because they look for it."
- Christopher Moore




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Thank you all for your comments! :D Haha I love how the characters I never put much thought into always end up being the stronger ones...I mean, even the name's probably not going to stick, I just used "Bobby" so I'd have something to call him. XD

Anyway, character development is not my strong suit, so I'll be working on that! Thanks again! :D

Tanya: yeah, I think you'll find as you read on that there are definitely elements from Warrior in here so far; apparently I can't write anything else. :\ If you notice any more instances like that, feel free to let me know; chances are I've already torn my hair out about it recognized it, but I'd still like to know. :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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I liked the first chapter and I like this chapter. The first chapter was funny and interesting. This chapter was funny interesting just it lacked details and Connor lacked personality and details. What did he look like. His favorite things. His whereabouts. His reason for being where he was. All we really know at this point is he is 16 and is trying to buy is little sister a doll. More detail and this could be in my opinion bookstore worthy meaning if I was a publisher I would say this is worth publication awesome start!
-YN




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When you are done with this novella seek out a publisher this IS bookstore worthy




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Well, that's it for my review. I'll get on to Stormbringer 2 as soon as possible!


Don't you think I'm smart? *looks completely clueless*

I do. I finally realized that I promised to get to this. I don't care if this won't be helpful at all, since you're not even really working on this anymore, but I'll do it anyway. Here goes.

So. Like the last chapter (I didn't forget!), this was really short. Longer than the first one, but still short. And it's tough to try to stuff lots of events into one chapter - which, thank goodness, you didn't. But looking back on this chapter, hardly anything happened anyway. That's the problem - try to shove a bunch of stuff in at once, and it's cluttered. Try to spread it out, and next to nothing happens. At least with short chapters, anyway.

I see you were aiming at a feeling of shock near the end, but...

A cold breeze brushed against Connor’s face, and he noticed with some bemusement that the shelf had faded and instead there was a large black doorway in front of him, gaining definition with every second.


"Some bemusement?" More like complete horror. Where's the emotion here? He is frightened out of his wits at a scary toy soldier, and then he only feels bemusement at an growing black portal?

That's it for today, I'm afraid. I should review more of your writing. I like it.

Expect.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF




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So, hello once again Ranger xP. I am aware that you have abandoned this project. However, since you pointed out that this chapter "sucked" I decided to check it out. So, I'm actually going to review this one for you. To be frank, it's not half bad. The ending is excellent. It's only the way you started off this chapter that ticks me off. It's as if you wanted to build a "relationship" so to speak, between Connor and the soldier, and the rest was all irrelevant. I think you focused only on the last few pararaphs of your story, that is as soon as Bobby leaves Connor alone. Perhaps you can have Bobby and Connor best friends and have the former introduce the protagonist to his new collection. Thus, not only would WE be further intrigued by what would eventually happen but even Bobby will be sucked into the mystery. One last thing before I wrap up, maybe you can introduce this chapter later on. After you have developed Cora and her "evil" nature? Just a though. Regards and, good luck with your writing, Palip :).



Parentheses I'm walking back home now though so( Ellipsis Ellipsis ellipsis
— chrysanthemumcentury