Forget Me Not: Prologue

This is the prologue for a book I'm trying SUPER EXTRA HARD to write. I haven't managed to complete a large project in, oh, a year or so, so this is my attempt to once again tackle a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.

Also, I copy-pasted from LaTeX, where I'm writing, so if there are any formatting errors, let me know so I can fix those with extreme prejudice.

What I need help with:
1) Grammar, spelling, and mechanical errors. If, for some reason, I slip up and use "vampyre" or something silly like that, let me know. And feel free to scoff; I really should know better by now.
2) Any better names for the race of this Mysterious Female Protagonist (tm)? I kinda stole "Old Ones" from Lovecraft (I think), and it makes MFP seem decrepit, which she is not.
3) Is there any way to write romance without getting embarrassed? Seriously? I've been hitting my head against the wall because every time I try, it seems like it's from one of Those Books. You know, the ones with the steamy guy and the flimsy girl on the cover? The...(gasp) Trashy Paperback Romance Novels?

If you can answer any of the above questions, I'd be very very grateful. And make you a cookie, although delivery might be a problem.

Now, without further ado...

Forget Me Not
Prologue

It was cold, and wet, and foggy, and she hated it.

It wasn't enough for her to be unceremoniously dumped in this room, with a window overlooking the Arena. No, that she could bear. But the weather on top of that? Too much to handle.

To top it all off, she was about to become some sort of prize. An object to be paraded around by whomever had the largest muscles and wanted to claim her. And then, at best, she would be drained.

At worst, she would live on, forced to obey her so-called "master."

She paced back to the window, shivering lightly. The only covering she was allowed was her blanket, and that smelled like blood, so she avoided it as much as she could. It was tempting to just throw it out the window, but she didn't want to be completely uncovered when her captor decided to parade her around.

She had known that she would not last long on her own. An Old One like herself was powerful, yes, but all the others had been hunted to near-extinction. She had known that she would soon follow.

Her blood was thick, thicker than any human's, and it called to the Vampires like no other. It was a wonder the one who had caught her had taken her to the King in one piece.

Then again, the Vampire King had quite a lot of power over his kin. Although a dictator, he was a dictator of the finest sort: one who was strong, and protected his own, one who inspired fierce and unquestionable loyalty. Absolute power had, as far as she could tell, not corrupted absolutely, though he did find fear an effective weapon. Those who failed him failed their brethren, and his punishments were without mercy or remorse.

A deep horn sounded, and she strained her ears. If these brutes were to fight over her, she at least wanted to hear them scream.

OKay, let's go over the things you asked about first...

1) I noticed no spelling or grammar errors, but don't trust me in this department. I type everything I write in Word so I don't pay attention to that...
2) Okay, well, like, when I name a person or place or thing or species I usually just start making noises till something sounds good... you can start with Old Ones, or some other word, and just go from there.
3) Hehe, oh romance... listen dude, I get what your saying, but there's really no reason to be embarresed by what you write as long as it's good. Even if it isn't good you shouldn't be embarased... unless it's like, horrendous I guess.

Honestly I don't think any of that was very helpful sorry for that, but on to the review:

Over all, good job. I found it interesting... Well, okay, it was a little confusing... and short (although so is my review... sorry, didn't have much time), but besides that I can't complain. I'd like to read more...

(following you )

--
Tabby

Okay, first I'll get to the points you mention beforehand.

1) The only error is when you typed this actual "what I need help with" part and write know instead of now, haha. Your actual writing looks good grammatically.

2) One of the hardest things can be creating the perfect creatures to inhabit your fantasy - and naming them sometimes feels impossible. Sometimes what I'll do to come up with something is look for Greek or Latin words (or words from any other dead language) that mean something relating to the species/creatures/beings; a name that means "fang" in Norse or "tooth" in Latin as a couple of bad examples.

3) Yeah, I know how you feel. I might be a girl, but I'm a total tomboy who's about as romantic as dirt. Yet coming across love somewhere or another (especially in the situations that tend to come up in books) is virtually impossible to get around. But there are a couple of romance situations that I personally find a little easier to deal with (and a whole lot less nauseating) than those steamy, awkward ones. Adding comedy is one easy way. Action can also work sometimes - like if you've ever read The Hunger Games, there is romance, yes, but it's not over-the-top because so much else is going on and the relationships just seem kind of less overpowering, even though they play a big role. But the main key is to really keep it in your comfort level, wherever that is. Love doesn't have to be over-the-top and trashy. It's crazy how often readers will pick up on the fact that something's out of a writer's element. So while you might want to push your boundaries, don't go too far. You have to enjoy writing it too, after all. Plus, a lot of people don't like their books too mushy anyway. Situations awkward for you are often awkward for the reader also.

Well, I don't blame you if you don't read that lovely little ramble there, but I hope I was some help. I will be expecting a chocolate-chip cookie e-mailed asap. Kidding.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Alright! Hello, there! I hope you are having a wonderful first day of 2011.

I will not be focusing on nitpicks, because to be honest, there aren't many I noticed in this prologue (rather short, but, ah, well). So, first of all, I would like to mention how I enjoyed your style of writing. You have a very sophisticated voice -- very educated-like, almost. It's refreshing, as most young adult novels feature a blabby teen who talks about a guy way too much and bubble-gum pink sweet girl stuff. So, nice job with your unique voice.

However, I found this piece very confusing. I did not really understand what was going on. The moment I thought I knew what was happening, you started talking about some Vampire King and Old Ones and thus I became confused once more. You do want to avoid info dumps, but you also do want us to know what's going on, etcetera. Right now, I fell almost entirely clueless with all this overload of new information left unexplained.

I do not mind the short length of the story, but like TabbyGirl mentioned, it is slightly short -- and full of unexplained info. You might want to clean some of that up and give us a certain understanding of this world. Now, to answer your questions...

1) Like StoryWeaver13 said, your writing looks very well done with little errors. You have a sophisticated voice in this prologue that you will have to maintain throughout the length of the whole story, however, so be sure that you can follow through in that area.

2) Naming mythical creatures in fantasy novels can be right hard. You have to be extra careful with the names you give your creatures, because certain name can just completely turn off a reader. For example, when I read a fantasy novel with mythical creatures, I detest if authors use long, complicated, made-up words like "fooshagambts" because it's confusing and...odd. Generally, I find names derived from old Latin or Greek roots very creative, or any language not in use much anymore, very interesting. Just make sure the names aren't too complicated. However, you say you took "Old Ones" from Lovecraft, and I'd like to inform you that is kind of, well, illegal. You can't just steal other people's names for creatures for your book, because people will notice, sometime or another.

3) Alright. Creating realistic romance fiction, especially scenes revolving around snogging and, uh, just basic lovemaking scenes, can be terribly awkward to write -- and read. Think of it this way: you aren't writing the novel for old, perverted men, so don't go into too much detail in the love scenes. If the stuff you are writing makes you uncomfortable, it will probably make your readers uncomfortable, too. No reader really wants to read about over-the-top, trashy characters who spend their time kissing and having one night stands or whatever. A helpful article by Suzanne mentions some wonderful sites that make romance fiction easier and more believable. (topic13528.html)

I hope this helps you out!

- Mizz

Mizzle wrote:Alright! Hello, there! I hope you are having a wonderful first day of 2011.

With a review from you, how can it go wrong?!

Mizzle wrote:I will not be focusing on nitpicks, because to be honest, there aren't many I noticed in this prologue (rather short, but, ah, well). So, first of all, I would like to mention how I enjoyed your style of writing. You have a very sophisticated voice -- very educated-like, almost. It's refreshing, as most young adult novels feature a blabby teen who talks about a guy way too much and bubble-gum pink sweet girl stuff. So, nice job with your unique voice.

Yeah, I try to keep mechanical errors to a minimum, but in longer works I'm sure I'll slip up eventually.

Mizzle wrote:However, I found this piece very confusing. I did not really understand what was going on. The moment I thought I knew what was happening, you started talking about some Vampire King and Old Ones and thus I became confused once more. You do want to avoid info dumps, but you also do want us to know what's going on, etcetera. Right now, I fell almost entirely clueless with all this overload of new information left unexplained.

When it comes to information about a world, I basically take a Neal Stephenson approach (I think) and just dive in. As long as my universe is consistent, most things should be understandable by the end of the piece. Since this is a prologue, I may want to explain some things to keep the reader's interest. Or should I remain consistent in my information-giving approach?

Mizzle wrote:You have a sophisticated voice in this prologue...

-blush-

Mizzle wrote:However, you say you took "Old Ones" from Lovecraft, and I'd like to inform you that is kind of, well, illegal. You can't just steal other people's names for creatures for your book, because people will notice, sometime or another.

Is it? As Lovecraft's catch-all term for his mythical creatures, be they Cthulhu or Dagon or whatever, it seems a little vague to be illegal. Not to mention the fact that other terms from, say, Tolkien, are regularly usurped.

Aside from curiosity, though, I am planning on changing it. As I was feeling particularly uninspired and just wanted to write, damn it, I just used Old Ones as a placeholder. When I find something better I'll replace it, because as a name, it's severely lacking.

Mizzle wrote:Alright. Creating realistic romance fiction, especially scenes revolving around snogging and, uh, just basic lovemaking scenes, can be terribly awkward to write -- and read. Think of it this way: you aren't writing the novel for old, perverted men, so don't go into too much detail in the love scenes. If the stuff you are writing makes you uncomfortable, it will probably make your readers uncomfortable, too. No reader really wants to read about over-the-top, trashy characters who spend their time kissing and having one night stands or whatever.

You used the word snogging!

Sorry, but I live in America, and the word is dreadfully underused. In fact, I think the only other place I've seen it is in Harry Potter. So thanks for brightening my day, even unintentionally!

On topic, though. I get the feeling that one can only have so much curtains-blowing-in-the-wind until readers start to think "Does this author even understand the mechanics of romance?" Although this may just be me being hypercritical. Which is a very real concern when I can't write a sentence before deleting it.

Thanks so much for the review, my day was made that much brighter! And because there is no definition of how much that much is, or even a unit for day-brightness, you get to decide just how happy and excited you made me!

Oh gods, I'm fanboy'ing again, aren't I. I'm just going to go into a corner, shut up, and wait for another review.

Hullo.

As has already been said, this is really short... so I'm not sure how much help my review will be, but I'll try my best. ^.^

My main question about this is: what's the point? That probably sounds really mean, so let me clarify. I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve with this prologue. Is it to introduce the character and her situation? To jump-start some worldbuilding? To start to develop a voice? Or is it just because you thought "well, if it's a novel it's gotta have a prologue!"? The thing is, it feels like it's just too short to really achieve any of these things except for the last. I can sort of know a few things about the character, but I definitely don't know her at all; I'm more confused than intrigued by what you've told me of the world; there isn't really enough voice to be able to tell if it's much of anything special. But it is a prologue. If you're going for the "jump right in" type of thing, which you seem to be, then why not jump right in? Why the intro?

On the other hand, I think this intro could be fantastic if it was fleshed out more. If the point of it is to show the surroundings, then focus on descriptions. If the point of it is to introduce her character, then really let us into her head to see what she thinks and how she feels. It's a good skeleton, but I think you aren't really taking full advantage of it.

Now to your questions:
1) Nah, doesn't seem to be a problem. Though I would actually be rather impressed if you managed to make errors even in something this short! >.<
2) I don't think you should steal. Not necessarily for legal reasons, but just because... well... doesn't it feel cheap? I know that personally, I wouldn't be happy with myself for it. So now the questions is, do you want something like Old Ones, which is just ordinary English words? Or do you want it to be something like Vampire, which is a special word just for that use? Because if it's the former, then you'll just have to scour dictionaries and thesauruses and such until you find a word or a combination of words that you like. If it's the latter, then you could either look at exotic words (like Mizzle and StoryWeaver said, with the Latin or Greek roots) or you could just make something up (like tabbygirl said with playing with sounds in your mouth). I could suggest things, but wouldn't that feel cheap to you as well? I trust you can come up with something. ^.^
3) I'm not the one to talk about this, because I've never really written any romances... but I'll try to help. ^.^ Firstly, I agree with what other people are saying about your comfort level: if you feel uncomfortable with it, tone it down! But I also think it all depends on whether the romance is the main purpose of the novel, or just a sort of supplement. I notice that you've posted this in the Fantasy forum, not the Romance forum... so maybe focus on the fantasy aspects and let the romance be sort of an added bonus? I don't mean to take over your novel, though, so it is (of course) completely up to you.

Overall, there really isn't much wrong with this. But there isn't much that's great either. There just isn't much at all! But watch out for clichés: vampire romances are a very sticky trap and unless you have some really original ideas it can get very corny very fast. I'm sure you've thought of this already, but just watch out!

Well, I hope that helps somewhat. PM me or write on my wall or email me or something if you have questions/comments!

Onto Chapter One...

a

Hey there!

Some of the other reviewers said they were confused by this, but that wasn’t the case for me. If I’m getting it right, she’s being held hostage by a bunch of vampires, who are outside fighting to decide which one of them will keep her, because she’s part of a dying race whose blood is particularly tasty to them. I can see how people can get tripped up though; the prologue is pretty fast-paced, spinning from one point to the next. I think it would help if you went back and fleshed it out a bit, adding detail. Describe the room or her appearance or whatever you can think of to help slow it down a bit and give us some time to digest.

Besides that, I really can’t complain! I love your writing style, and the plot seems really good. Even though I refuse to read twilight, I’m still huge fan of vampire stories.

About your 3 questions,
1) no errors that I could find you seem to know what you’re doing
2) as for names, I’d say go look up some medieval names or Latin names or old English names. Then take something you like the sound of, and switch the letters around a bit to make it original. Be careful with making it sound silly, though. The most memorable names are usually short and easy to pronounce. Don’t choose something with like a ton of vowels that’ll trip your reader up every time.
3) Go with your gut. So you decide that your character needs a love life, fine. But whatever you do, keep it realistic. I think what sometimes sickens people in romance is the excessive-ness of it all. I agree with what StoryWeaver said about The Hunger Games. Romance can’t be the only thing going on in your story, you need a good plot to back it up. Also, I’ve always thought the key to keeping romance alive in a story is to start small, and have it grow over time.

Well I hope I helped!
Onto Chap 1!